March 2003 (v5 i5)
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Thrilled Ninth-Grader Goes Up Popular Girl's Shirt
ALLEN, TX - J.T. Winti, a student at Lowery Junior High, recently took part in what he reports as "the coolest thing in the freakin' world" when his hands explored the sacred region beneath Lowery volleyball setter Lisa Travis' T-shirt. "I was really surprised," said Winti. "I mean, I'm on the football team, but Coach never plays me or anything. I just didn't think I was the type of guy she wanted touching her boobs. They were awesome, though." Both Winti and Travis have expressed some interest in another physical encounter at an upcoming pool party. "My friends are telling me I should french her, but, I don't know, I'm still into the boobs and that seems like something that should wait for homecoming."

Man Finds G-Spot Underneath Couch Cushion
BOULDER, CO - While frantically looking for change to cover the cost of a pizza, Gene Mangers stumbled upon a hidden treasure that was lodged between the cushions in his living room sofa. "I lifted up the first cushion, and there was a nickel and a Dorito. I was pretty excited until I lifted up the next cushion and found the G-spot," Mangers said as his girlfriend bit her lip and nodded, cheeks flushed. "This is awesome. I've been looking for this thing for, like, two months."

Professor's Use of Laser Pointer Both Useless and Pointless
CAMPUS - Astronomy professor Dr. Joseph Wainwright's attempt to use a laser pointer to indicate points of interest on a large overhead only served to highlight its futility. Squinting to see the tiny red dot on the giant image of a dust cloud, Wainwright exasperated both himself and his students in his futile effort to point out a supernova near the mammoth column of dust. "Can you see the point? Is it there? Is that it? No, that's a red-shifting star. Where is it? Do you see it? Oh, Jesus Hubble Christ!" Wainwright lost the laser pointer later that day when it fell into the hands of a bored student who used it to indicate the crotch areas of unaware passersby.

Special Edition DVD to Include "Good Version" of Pearl Harbor
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Buena Vista Home Video announced Tuesday the release of a second special edition DVD of the 2001 blockbuster Pearl Harbor. "Unlike the previous DVD edition, this release will include a never-before-seen 'quality cut' of the film in which the actors and plot have been digitally removed and replaced with an entirely new cast, script, and setting," explained director Michael Bay. "Pearl Harbor: Sans Boredom chronicles the rise and fall of a charismatic publishing tycoon loosely based on William Randolph Hearst. It explores the themes of greed and destiny, the emptiness of wealth and power, and how lost innocence can never be replaced with material things."

Closed-Minded, Fun-Hating Single Having Little Luck with Personal Ads
AUSTIN, TX - Leopold Wilburn, 37, a tax-collector/torture-for-hire expert, was puzzled at the lack of responses to a personal ad that he placed in the Austin Chronicle only a week earlier. Wilburn had been convinced that the ad, which boastfully described him as a "closed-minded, fun-hating SWM in search of a post-hysterectomy SWF," would arouse the interest of any qualified, available single who happened upon it. "I just don't get it," said Wilburn at the start of a poignant dramatic monologue. "I spent hours finding just the right combination of words. I even omitted some primo adjectives, such as 'boredom-loving' and 'NASCAR enthusiast,' because I wanted to highlight my best qualities. Now how will I find someone to scowl at babies with? Someone to complain to Wal-Mart managers with? Someone to stare at coldly across the dinner table in moments of quiet seething? How will I ever find true love?"

New Pepsi Green Is People-Pleasing
GREENVILLE, NC - After introducing Pepsi Twist and Pepsi Blue last year, PepsiCo has announced that they will be soon testing a new product, Pepsi Green. Recently, PepsiCo laid off several employees and market analysts believe the new soda flavor is an effort to bolster sales in today's faltering economy. "PepsiCo has lost business ever since they lost their contract with that little girl who had a massive hormonal imbalance and talked like a guy" said analyst Kim Perkjino. As for Pepsi Green, "It's really tasty," declared Pepsi employee Scott Pedgrin. "My co-workers would have liked it too. Everyone keeps disappearing though. It's kind of strange. I guess they're still laying people off."
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