March 2003 (v5 i5)
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Michelle Branch, Lieberman, color beige form Triumvirate of Bland
by Ryan Martinez, Staff Writer

DOVER, DE — In a move sure to incite yawns and blasé shrugs, teenage pop singer Michelle Branch, U.S. senator Joseph Lieberman, and the color beige have joined forces to form a Triumvirate of Bland, promoting comforting leadership, singing and songwriting, and minimalist home décor.

"For too long, disorder and noise have plagued American politics, pop culture and interior design trends," said Lieberman at a press conference, murmuring a groggy lullaby that rendered several reporters unconscious. "The time has come for American citizens to say 'no' to leaders who make erratic decisions and 'yes' to leaders whose soothing, frog-like voices make the people forget that decisions have to be made."

Aiding Lieberman on the cultural front is Branch, a middle-of-the-road pop singer whose Plain-Jane looks, inoffensive lyrics and minimalist sense of style make Mandy Moore look less like the 'girl next door' and more like the 'chain-smoking, one-legged prostitute next door.' Branch will use her knack for accessible pop hooks and her vacant, hypnotic stare to rob all semblance of individuality from the souls of the American people.

"When I sing, I have a sense of peace," Branch was told by her public relations advisor to say, her emotionless eyes flittering beneath the harsh light of the press room. "Well, not so much peace as calming nothingness. I want America to gaze into the amiable abyss that is my soul, and to become it."

The color beige, weary of its role as the "Tito Jackson" of the color spectrum, also intends to spread its brand of blandness throughout the nation.

"Beige is good," said Beige. "People should put beige on their window drapes. This would please Beige."

Public reaction to the conglomeration of bland ranged from utter indifference to bemused nonchalance.

"Well, I guess they're okay," shrugged housewife Vanessa Baldwin. "That girl's one song was kinda catchy, though I forgot how it goes. In any case, I can't say I love it. But I don't hate it, either."
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