March 2003 (v5 i5)
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Bursar's office clerk lifts student bar
Drunken patrons lose their balance after display of superhuman strength
by Ryan Martinez, Staff Writer

Artist's rendition of a mammoth she-beast
ripping a bar from its foundation, scaring the
living bejeezus out of old ladies and children

[illustration: Aaron Stanush]
AUSTIN, TX — After an eight-hour shift at the Bursar's office in the Main Building, where she deals with students hoping to pay tuition fees and library fines, 36-year-old clerk Anna Bolick lifted a student bar in downtown Austin last night.

Her throbbing biceps and taut forearms completely uprooted the steel-reinforced, brick mortar foundation of Pain & Cabel's, a nightspot frequented by undergraduate students. The display of supernatural might shattered the pub's glass windows, tore its brick walls like paper, and sent dozens of patrons flying into the air like "slurring, projectile vomiting rag dolls," described one shaken witness. The attack left 23 students injured.

"One minute, I was, like, licking a body shot off my friend Brendan," said Business junior Tiffany Knowles. "The next thing I know, there's this eight-foot-tall bitch ripping up the wooden planks and screaming, 'SHE-HULK SMASH STUDENTS!' And I got beer all over my By George tube top. It totally sucked."

After lobbing a 14-foot-long chunk of wall into a crowd of panicked bar patrons, Bollick opened her cavernous mouth and let out a monstrous sonic boom that peeled the tint off several gaudy fluorescent beer signs and reportedly left one student without an epidermis.

"Dude, I thought Satan's fuckin' Leer Jet was crashing into the place," said History sophomore Robert Fernandez. "That call was unlike anything I had ever heard. It was a little bit Jurassic Park T-Rex, a little bit Margaret Thatcher mating call, and a little bit country."

Bollick continued her rhythmic gymnastics routine of destruction by spontaneously gaining body mass and simultaneously placing five young men in a sinewy headlock.

"I could smell the anabolic steroids on her sweat, which was dripping down my face," said headlock victim Jeffrey Williams, whose esophagus required reconstructive surgery after the attack. "You know how some people look as if they have muscles on their muscles? Well, this she-beast had testicles on her Adam's apple."

Her berserker-like rage came to an end when a National Guard unit stormed the site and, after a 20-minute fight, brought the clerk down with a bevy of tear gas, electric tasers, rubber bullets, elephant tranquilizer darts, medieval maces, polymer nets, and metallic snares.

Since the incident, campus officials have worked to repair the damage done to both the bar and the university's reputation. The Bursar's office promises to reimburse the tavern's owners and to foot Bollick's anger management rehabilitation bill once she is finally released from maximum-security lockdown.

"The university wishes to extend a heartfelt apology to all those affected by our employee's angry outburst," said Bursar manager George Chamberlain. "We want to emphatically declare that, at no times and under no circumstances, do we encourage our office clerks to lift student bars, drop student bars, or clear student bars."
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