March 2003 (v5 i5)
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Aguilera's vagina tops Amazon rainforest
Singer's cooch named world's most diverse ecosystem
by Ryan Martinez, Staff Writer

Aguilera gets her groove on in another kind
of jungle

[illustration: Kristin Hillery]
LOS ANGELES, CA — After a groundbreaking observational study of Christina Aguilera's latest music video, "Dirrty," researchers at the Center for Disease Control and UCLA's microbiology department have announced that the pop star's groin region qualifies as the world's most biologically diverse ecological system, a title previously held by the Amazon rainforest.

"The estimated amount of species inhabiting the approximately eight square inches of Aguilera's pubic region is nearly 1.5 times that found in the entire Amazon basin," stated CDC head researcher Jack Fitzsimmons. "It's a veritable cornucopia of cooties."

The study was conducted by a visual analysis of individual screenshots of the music video, which features a scantily-clad Aguilera dancing suggestively amidst a crowd of sweaty, grime-covered background dancers, shirtless cholos, and people in chicken costumes. This riot-turned-orgy occurs in a mock boxing ring, a dingy underground club, and a community shower.

"Notice the organic debris that flies from her pelvis when she does this fan kick," commented Fitzsimmons, indicating the Fruity Pebble-like fragments scattering out from the pop star's underwear, projected on a six-foot video screen. "See that orange discharge right there? My God, that's Treponema moribundus, found only among the forest-dwelling orangutans of Borneo. I didn't know it was possible for humans to contract that. This is unprecedented. My…it's…I better get a Nobel Prize for this."

From the scant footage provided by "Dirrty," the research team was able to detect over 3,000 species of single-celled organisms, simple flora, and even formative animal life, all living harmoniously under Aguilera's panties, the skimpy canopy that caps her hidden paradise. Given such promising evidence, scientists hypothesize that hundreds of thousands more species, many of which are unknown to science, lie waiting to be discovered. The joint team is set to expand their project early next spring, when they will team up with NASA to send a robotic probe to explore the contents of Aguilera's bikini line.

"We are dedicated to helping our peers in all branches of the sciences. Our Mars Surveyor would allow the CDC/UCLA team to safely navigate the hostile conditions of Christina Aguilera's vagina without risking human lives. Who knows? Maybe this development will yield dramatic images that rival the 'Deep Field' picture," said NASA administrator Sean O'Keefe, referencing the famous Hubble image that captured thousands of multi-colored galaxies in a single, breathtaking shot. "This undertaking is microbiology's big chance to probe Christina's deep field."

The upcoming mission has implications for not only microbiology, but for medical science as well. Officials at UC San Diego believe that Aguilera's vulva could house just as many "unknown species that may cure cancer and a lot of other bad stuff too" as they believe the Amazon rainforest to, prompting environmental groups to begin thinking about ways to preserve and protect Ms. Aguilera's wetlands for future research.

"This vagina doesn't just belong to Christina," said International Wildlife Defense Front spokesperson Mark Sandwe. "It's an extraordinarily precious resource. There's enough weird crap down in her box that once we parse it all out, we'll be able to cure cancer and Alzheimers and probably get the Clippers to the finals. A pooty this promising belongs to the entire human race—a concept that I'm pretty sure Ms. Aguilera has been embracing for awhile."

The fact that Ms. Aguilera's crotch is most likely the biological equivalent of the Rosetta Stone—with its amazing potential as a cornucopia of natural knowledge—has garnered interest among those usually unconcerned with the worldly. Huddled in his isolated hut in the Gobi Desert, where he seasonally meditates, Zen Buddhist nomad and mystic Xun Rui Yao smiles as he watches Christina's music video "Dirrty" on the feeble black and white television that serves as his only link with the outside world.

"Finally, an answer to the age-old question!" Yao exclaims, crow's feet joyfully tightening around the corners of his smiling eyes. "'What's the sound of one labium flapping?'"

To Yao's transcendental delight, that sound is wet and squishy, with gaudy synthesizers in the background.
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