September 2002 (v5 i1)
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Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!
Iraq declares state of emergency for all wheeled vehicles
by Eric Jenkins, Publicity Director

Feeble peasants, your Yugo will crumble under the
might of American steel.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As tensions rise between the United States and Iraq, demands for carport construction materials in the Middle East has risen by over 4000 percent. This development came as President Bush announced his offensive stratagem at a press conference earlier this week: unleashing the beast known as TRUCKZILLA.

The US army purchased the famed car-mangling machine this summer from owner Jethro Jehosafat, fresh from an exposition in Waxahache, for a side of venison, a transmission from a 1976 Silverado, and NASCAR season tickets. “I tell you what, that ol’ Truckzilla picked up this there Geo Metro with his teeth, they made outta steel ya know, and crunched it right in two, and then fire shot outta his ass. Two shakes of a bull’s balls later, here come these boys in they camo pajamas wantin’ to buy it,” related Jehosafat.

Since its purchase, military engineers have stripped it down and loaded it with the latest war-mongering technologies. “Truckzilla has been outfitted with the latest gadgets and doodads so’s it can fight in the Baghdads,” President Bush stated and began snickering, but was quickly tazed by an advisor. He continued, “We have added a Super Shanty Scope for identifying targets, tin-roof-piercing smart bombs, and a Rickshaw Laser Defense System, to ensure nothin’ with wheels makes it out in one piece.”

The offensive, tentatively named Operation Desert Crush-All-Your-Cars-And-Stuff-Into-Itty-Bitty-Pieces-Of-Flattened-Metal, promises to be a hit with international media, with Don King already signed on to represent Truckzilla in a number of pay-per-view events. When questioned about the possible social repercussions of broadcasting a live war on pay television, King replied, “Well ya knowa, my client is Truckzilla, he likes vanilla, moves like a catapilla, wants his wafers nilla, you get yo thrilla, fo’ a hundred dolla’ billa, ha-HAA!” He then jumped on the interview table, disrobed, slapped himself on the ass, and ran through a wall.

In response to a humanitarian outcry in the international community, Bush has outlined an aid effort for the many refugees left in the wake of Truckzilla’s rampage. In the weeks after Operation Desert CAYCASIIBPOFM, Beau and Luke Duke will be sent overseas to jump rickety old bridges, do doughnuts in the sand, and distribute turkey sandwiches and potato salad made here on the home front by Daisy and Cooter.

On a related and somber note, Truckasaurus was hospitalized this week with severe oil loss after a nearly successful suicide attempt. In a suicide letter found at the scene, he wrote, “It’s always about Truckazilla. No one remembers old Truckasaurus anymore. I can pick up and drop cars with the best of them goddamn it, and sometimes I shoot fire too. I can also fold nicely onto a flatbed trailer. Can Truckzilla do that, fuckers? Can he? Can he?!?”
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