September 2002 (v5 i1)
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UT Christians Multiply in Summer Heat
Sno-cones, “super positive” attitude praised as contributing factor
by Neysa King, Contributing Writer

“The power of Christ compels you!” shouts William
CAMPUS — Christians everywhere are now supplying sno-cones to passersby, not only as a means of keeping cool on hot summer days, but as a symbol for the teachings of the King of Kings, making His lessons even more relevant for today’s depraved society.

“Sno-cones aren’t just about ice and flavored syrup,” says one peppy Christian, nonchalantly thumping her Bible, “it’s about friendship. It’s about working with what you have. After all, Jesus built a bridge or something with two boards and three nails.”

The adorable one-liners and the icy goodness of the sno-cones seem to be too much for wandering atheists and pagans. Immediately they are drawn to the sugary love of Christ.

“I really didn’t know anything about Christ or Christianity” says newly proclaimed Jesus Freak Josh Sizelove. “But the sno-cones taught me just how delicious Jesus can be. Especially when He’s covered in root beer syrup.”

Not only are the various sno-cone flavors winning over the religiously lost, but they’re also converting those people set in other inferior, less sno-cone oriented, religions such as Buddhists, Hindus, and Catholics.

“They told me all I needed to do was accept Christ into my heart,” proclaims one former Buddhist. “I wasn’t really interested until they whipped out a watermelon sno-cone and some lemonade. I tried to curb my desires, but it’s fucking hot as hell out here! Now I’m cooled off and I have a sure ticket to party with Jesus in heaven. I hope they have sno-cones up there. Life doesn’t get much better than this.”

Ray Morgan, a Catholic turned Christian recalls, “I thought I was already a Christian. Apparently I was wrong. Thank God I’ve seen the light. That could’ve been bad. Try the cherry kind. They’re great.”

Added another, “Shiva may have a lot of hands, but none of them ever handed me a sno-cone. I can tell you that much.”

The sno-cone toting Christian groups express much enthusiasm over their recent and sudden success in the Lord’s work. “I just hope we have enough of those little green New Testaments to go around!” says William Little, a veteran Bible-thumper. “Now those heathens—I mean, the spiritually misled—won’t even be able to turn a corner without repenting for their sins!”

Aside from a rush order of mini New Testaments and more ice for sno-cones, this surge in discipleship is expected to ring in a whole new era of feeling bad about ourselves. “Christianity is about humility. We need to make people feel bad enough about themselves so they’ll change and be like us. It’s the only way to heaven, you know,” decrees one new disciple through a mouthful of crushed ice. “By the way, have you repented for your sins today?”
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