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Martha Stewart Defects to Iraq Stewart to provide decorating tips, tyranny by Elizabeth Barksdale, Contributing Writer
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Saddam after learning that his quiche has been
overcooked for the third time this week. |
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congress is supporting a staunch anti-war stance after intelligence sources revealed that home-decorating and dinner party guru Martha Stewart has quite possibly defected to Iraq. �We first knew something was fishy when an agent spotted some odd embroidery on President Hussein�s trademark beret,� said CIA director George Tenet. Closer analysis revealed the flowery embroidery to read �Very Good Things� in Arabic. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld grew visibly agitated as intelligence sources reported further evidence of Stewart�s presence in enemy territory. �Iraqi troops munching on seemingly endless rations of petit fours, tanks being painstakingly repainted and covered with a protective shellacking not dissimilar to what you�d use on patio or deck furniture -the signs were all pointing to her,� said Rumsfeld. �But we knew it had to be her when we saw this,� he continued, revealing to the public a disturbing surveillance image of Hussein wearing a pastel Martha-style pantsuit as he rallied a crowd of thousands in Baghdad last week. �Hussein�s supporters appeared confused for a moment, but then seemed to gain far greater confidence in the dictator as a result of the pantsuit. Stylish, sensible, and potentially lethal- that�s Stewart�s terrible power. We�re in bad trouble.�
When notified of Stewart�s alleged treason, President Bush expressed his disappointment and anger. �Laura made cupcakes decorated to look like Mount Rushmore just a few years back for the fourth of July,� Bush said in a statement. �She got the idea off Martha Stewart�s TV show. I ate a cupcake. I even enjoyed it. I�m as guilty as anyone for letting this happen,� said the president, hanging his head.
Stewart�s problems with U.S. law started several months ago when she was implicated in an insider-trading scandal. �She went into seclusion and everyone thought she was just holed up in her mansion bitterly making doilies or something. But now she�s public enemy number one,� said Attorney General John Ashcroft. Meanwhile, the general sentiment in Congress is that the United States should now proceed with extreme caution in the conflict with Iraq.
�Frankly, I fear that the alliance between Saddam and Martha could be a very bad thing,� said Secretary of State Colin Powell. His statements came shortly after the Iraqi dictator posed threats to �drown the evil Americans in a fiery rain of macram�.� There�s no way to tell what will happen now, but for now the government is taking other potentially dangerous pop-culture icons into temporary custody for questioning. These include Jerry Springer, Richard Simmons, and Anna Nicole Smith, among others. �The celebrities initially protested the infringement on their rights,� admitted Ashcroft, �but the general public didn�t mind very much. Americans understand it�s all in the name of national security.� |
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| � Back to the September 2002 issue |
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