September 2002 (v5 i1)
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Martha Stewart Defects to Iraq
Stewart to provide decorating tips, tyranny
by Elizabeth Barksdale, Contributing Writer

Saddam after learning that his quiche has been
overcooked for the third time this week.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congress is supporting a staunch anti-war stance after intelligence sources revealed that home-decorating and dinner party guru Martha Stewart has quite possibly defected to Iraq. “We first knew something was fishy when an agent spotted some odd embroidery on President Hussein’s trademark beret,” said CIA director George Tenet. Closer analysis revealed the flowery embroidery to read “Very Good Things” in Arabic. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld grew visibly agitated as intelligence sources reported further evidence of Stewart’s presence in enemy territory. “Iraqi troops munching on seemingly endless rations of petit fours, tanks being painstakingly repainted and covered with a protective shellacking not dissimilar to what you’d use on patio or deck furniture -the signs were all pointing to her,” said Rumsfeld. “But we knew it had to be her when we saw this,” he continued, revealing to the public a disturbing surveillance image of Hussein wearing a pastel Martha-style pantsuit as he rallied a crowd of thousands in Baghdad last week. “Hussein’s supporters appeared confused for a moment, but then seemed to gain far greater confidence in the dictator as a result of the pantsuit. Stylish, sensible, and potentially lethal- that’s Stewart’s terrible power. We’re in bad trouble.”

When notified of Stewart’s alleged treason, President Bush expressed his disappointment and anger. “Laura made cupcakes decorated to look like Mount Rushmore just a few years back for the fourth of July,” Bush said in a statement. “She got the idea off Martha Stewart’s TV show. I ate a cupcake. I even enjoyed it. I’m as guilty as anyone for letting this happen,” said the president, hanging his head.

Stewart’s problems with U.S. law started several months ago when she was implicated in an insider-trading scandal. “She went into seclusion and everyone thought she was just holed up in her mansion bitterly making doilies or something. But now she’s public enemy number one,” said Attorney General John Ashcroft. Meanwhile, the general sentiment in Congress is that the United States should now proceed with extreme caution in the conflict with Iraq.

“Frankly, I fear that the alliance between Saddam and Martha could be a very bad thing,” said Secretary of State Colin Powell. His statements came shortly after the Iraqi dictator posed threats to “drown the evil Americans in a fiery rain of macramé.” There’s no way to tell what will happen now, but for now the government is taking other potentially dangerous pop-culture icons into temporary custody for questioning. These include Jerry Springer, Richard Simmons, and Anna Nicole Smith, among others. “The celebrities initially protested the infringement on their rights,” admitted Ashcroft, “but the general public didn’t mind very much. Americans understand it’s all in the name of national security.”
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