• The Over-Compensating Coalition will meet next Wednesday at noon on the West Mall to compare the sizes of their speakers, rims, and spoilers in relation to their penises. Bring a pad and pencil to calculate proportions.
• Students Who Use Rolling Carry-Ons Instead of Backpacks will deafen everyone in earshot every Monday through Friday as they jitter noisily along the sidewalk. Meets concurrently with Students Who Wear Acid-Washed Jeans and Carry Brick-Sized Cellphones in Fake Leather Holsters.
• Student Government will be gearing up for a fall of pizza parties, rich white kids and irrelevance. They meet on Tuesdays in the SSB assembly roomat 7pm.
• Students Who Take Biology for the Indirect References to Sex will not be meeting this Thursday. The current roundtable discussion, Reproduction: Your Gonads, that Stuff Down There, and You, will continue next week, with the usual furtive giggling.
• The South Mall Fence Maze is scheduled to completed late this week. Anyone who makes it from the tower to UTC in under an hour will be rewarded with a cookie and the "punctuality in the face of irrational construction" merit badge.
• In a move to stay "fresh and with it," the Tower will play songs by Nelly every hour, on the hour. It will then disrobe and freak with RLM.
• All 150 Christian organizations on campus will be meeting at different times and places. Didn't Jesus preach unity? Why don't you guys just get together? You'd rule the fucking planet.
• Some creepy guy with a rattail will be making the rounds of open parties in West Campus between 9pm and 2am. Give him a beer and keep him away from the drunk girls.
• The Society of Terrified Liberal Arts Seniors will be meeting on the West Mall as often as their pansy-ass schedules allow, sharing their fears about being ejected from the warm womb of academia into the heartless, unfamiliar "real world."
• Thousands of rich white people will walk through the parking lot of the Jack-in-the-Box at 26th and Guadalupe, taking their greasy, drunken, frat-boy progeny to the football game.
• ATC Vancom will be holding an open tryout for new UT Shuttle drivers this weekend on the Drag. Application requirements include: being mentally unstable, having a drinking problem, and being generally unfit to be employed anywhere else on the planet.
• The Travesty has returned for another year of improving your life. Excellent.