September 2002 (v5 i1)
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Tower Lit in Full Orange "Just for Shits and Giggles," Say Officials
CAMPUS - UT officials announced last week that the Tower will occasionally be lit for no apparent reason except to perplex the student body. "I don't really know what to think," commented Geology junior Greg Strickland. "I mean, when do they normally light the tower in orange? Sometimes I'm just walking around at night, and I look up at the Tower, and I think, 'Huh, it's orange. I guess something happened.'" The Tower was first lit orange in 1937 when engineer Carl J. Eckhardt installed the unique lighting system "on a dare," explained an anonymous UT employee. "Somebody just said, 'Hey, I dare you to make the Tower all orange,' so he did. It was either do the Dare that or get asked a Truth, and by God, Carl wasn't gonna do that." Sources inside the Tower reveal future plans to sporadically display meaningless two-digit numbers using the Tower's 13 floors of visible windows.

Corner of Speedway and Dean Keeton actually a play place for construction workers
CAMPUS - Facing intense administrative pressure, UT Physical Plant finally admitted Friday that the construction site at Speedway and Dean Keeton is not a UT-sanctioned expansion project. "I started getting suspicious in May when I noticed that nothing was actually being built. It's basically a 1.5-acre hole in the ground with a really, really cool crane," said an anonymous UT official. According to the Physical Plant's announcement, the site is, in reality, a 'play place' where laborers from all over the United States come to dig, swing the crane around, and lay cement, all for a low daily admission price of four dollars. UT Play Place supervisors also offer organized activities such as Super Big Gulp drinking contests, bandanna fashion shows, two-by-four Jenga, and Five Man Hole-Digging, in which five men watch another man dig a hole. UT administration has called the site "awesome" and "cooler than boy-girl parties," and they express hopes that they "never have to go home ever again."

» More Dirty Briefs

• The Over-Compensating Coalition will meet next Wednesday at noon on the West Mall to compare the sizes of their speakers, rims, and spoilers in relation to their penises. Bring a pad and pencil to calculate proportions.
Students Who Use Rolling Carry-Ons Instead of Backpacks will deafen everyone in earshot every Monday through Friday as they jitter noisily along the sidewalk. Meets concurrently with Students Who Wear Acid-Washed Jeans and Carry Brick-Sized Cellphones in Fake Leather Holsters.
Student Government will be gearing up for a fall of pizza parties, rich white kids and irrelevance. They meet on Tuesdays in the SSB assembly roomat 7pm.
Students Who Take Biology for the Indirect References to Sex will not be meeting this Thursday. The current roundtable discussion, Reproduction: Your Gonads, that Stuff Down There, and You, will continue next week, with the usual furtive giggling.
• The South Mall Fence Maze is scheduled to completed late this week. Anyone who makes it from the tower to UTC in under an hour will be rewarded with a cookie and the "punctuality in the face of irrational construction" merit badge.
• In a move to stay "fresh and with it," the Tower will play songs by Nelly every hour, on the hour. It will then disrobe and freak with RLM.
• All 150 Christian organizations on campus will be meeting at different times and places. Didn't Jesus preach unity? Why don't you guys just get together? You'd rule the fucking planet.
Some creepy guy with a rattail will be making the rounds of open parties in West Campus between 9pm and 2am. Give him a beer and keep him away from the drunk girls.
• The Society of Terrified Liberal Arts Seniors will be meeting on the West Mall as often as their pansy-ass schedules allow, sharing their fears about being ejected from the warm womb of academia into the heartless, unfamiliar "real world."
• Thousands of rich white people will walk through the parking lot of the Jack-in-the-Box at 26th and Guadalupe, taking their greasy, drunken, frat-boy progeny to the football game.
ATC Vancom will be holding an open tryout for new UT Shuttle drivers this weekend on the Drag. Application requirements include: being mentally unstable, having a drinking problem, and being generally unfit to be employed anywhere else on the planet.
The Travesty has returned for another year of improving your life. Excellent.

Local Student "Pimpin' Hard" with Flowmaster
AUSTIN, TX - University of Texas freshman Carl Burwitzki announced yesterday that he got laid for the fourth time since installing a flow master exhaust system onto his '97 Honda Accord. "I'm telling you man, it's the aggressive race-car sound," said Burwitzki of his recent success with the opposite sex. "With the Flowmaster on my car I'm pimpin' hard...." » more

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!
WASHINGTON, DC - As tensions rise between the United States and Iraq, demands for carport construction materials in the Middle East has risen by over 4000 percent. This development came as President Bush announced his offensive stratagem at a press conference earlier this week: unleashing the beast known as TRUCKZILLA.... » more

Local Child Takes a PDO From School
HOUSTON, TX - Robin Young, a child of 11 years old, decided early Tuesday morning to take a personal day off (PDO) from school. Young came up with this decision at the very last second while watching cartoons and eating his coca-puffs.... » more

Floating Head of Bush Demands Fried Chicken
AUSTIN, TX - Local stoners Chad "Smokin' Scooby" McGraff and Jimbo "Skizzles" Maloney were stunned last Sunday night, when, according to reports, the glowing, disembodied head of President George W. Bush appeared in their Hyde Park living room, speaking in tongues and demanding fried chicken.... » more

UT Christians Multiply in Summer Heat
CAMPUS - Christians everywhere are now supplying sno-cones to passersby, not only as a means of keeping cool on hot summer days, but as a symbol for the teachings of the King of Kings, making His lessons even more relevant for today's depraved society.... » more

Freshmen Housing Gets Creative
CAMPUS - This year UT welcomes the largest freshman class in its history. "We're glad to have each and every one of you here," announced president Larry Faulkner to the incoming students. "We're just not sure where to cram, er I mean, house all of you yet...." » more

Martha Stewart Defects to Iraq
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Congress is supporting a staunch anti-war stance after intelligence sources revealed that home-decorating and dinner party guru Martha Stewart has quite possibly defected to Iraq.... » more
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