(December 22 - January 19)
You will hold a bit of diet soda in your mouth for a few seconds before swallowing. Enjoy the refreshing tingle of aspartame, as this will be the highlight of your month, and perhaps the rest of your life.
(January 20-February 18)
Positive energy abounds; the world is your oyster. Unfortunately, your particular oyster tests positive for lethal levels of ptomaine.
(February 19 - March 20)
You will amuse yourself by snipping the tag off your mattress while humming Judas Priest’s "Breakin’ the Law." You really need to get your TV fixed.
(March 21 - April 19)
That British accent you’ve been faking isn’t getting you laid or making you look any smarter. Why don’t you try using Latin rules of grammar to construct all your plurals? That should do it...
(April 20 - May 20)
There’s more to life than your bong and your DVD collection, but none of it’s really worth getting off the couch for.
(May 21 - June 20)
Your life will change when you realize that you can start a band with nothing more than angst, boredom and/or a cheap gimmick. Get down to Emo’s with your cape, your tightest sweater and your magic set, ASAP.
(June 21 - July 22)
You’ll finally find a downside to calling all strangers “Ace” when you’re stuffed into a trashcan head-first at Seventh and Red River. Why don’t you try “Sport” or “Chief”?
(July 23 - August 22)
You’ll succesfully convince everyone that you’re not a fat-ass with the giant apparatus of carabiners and nylon that you’ve constructed to attach your Nalgene to your hyper-expensive alpiner’s backpack.
(August 23 - September 22)
You’ll attempt to bring back the Jheri curl, only to find that it cannot be done.
(September 23 - October 22)
Your gushing head wound will not expedite an appointment at the SSB. However, the pamphlet you pick up, “So You Have Herpes,” will give you a new outlook on life and inspire you to rush a Christian fraternity.
(October 23 - November 21)
After kindly accepting a little green bible from an old man on Guadalupe, you will be descended upon by drag rats, coupon book ladies, pigeons, and members of the Church of Scientology.
(November 22- December 21)
Tuesday is approaching. Shamanic medicine can’t cure Tuesday. Beware of Tuesday.