September 2002 (v5 i1)
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Local Student “Pimpin’ Hard” with Flowmaster
New Car Accessory Helping Student Get Laid
by Trevor Rosen, Editor-in-Chief

Feel the raw power of his purring tailpipe.
AUSTIN, TX — University of Texas freshman Carl Burwitzki announced yesterday that he got laid for the fourth time since installing a flow master exhaust system onto his ’97 Honda Accord. “I’m telling you man, it’s the aggressive race-car sound,” said Burwitzki of his recent success with the opposite sex. “With the Flowmaster on my car I’m pimpin’ hard.”

The undeclared freshman said the noisy aphrodisiac has completely revolutionized his sex life. After getting the Flowmaster installed, Burwitzki reported that he was soon attracting female companions. “Before the Flowmaster, I was unnoticed by girls. Now when I drive down the street, I get more than just their attention," said Burwitzki. “I was cruising down the Drag the other day and saw this hot chick from my philosophy class, so when the light turned green I gunned it. I didn’t think it could get so loud!!! The Flowmaster roared like a LION and I know that chick was impressed cause later that week we got it on.”

Behavior psychologist Thomas Mortle cites various reasons why the Flowmaster increases sexual attractiveness. “Carl has asserted his dominance over competing males with the loud masculine sound from his exhaust system,” said Mortle. “Females searching for a potential mate will be driven away by weaker exhaust systems and attracted to Carl’s Flowmaster. Much like bullfrogs in the wild, the powerful sound from his flow master will attract breeding females to Carl’s vehicle. In all likelihood his ability as provider and caretaker for the female has increased, thus Carl has improved the chances of passing on his genes.”

Burwitzki would not give all the credit to the flow master however, and said his recent success with females has been because of his “style.” “Me and my roommate stole this ‘No Trespassing’ sign off a deserted road. Now girls think we’re rebellious, I mean we could have been arrested for that!” Burwitzki also says he talked his roommate into putting big tires on his big truck. “He has this really big truck, so if he puts big tires on the big truck that would be cool. He could add a sticker of Calvin peeing on something to his back window, that will never get old.” Burwitzki also has plans to add bass speakers to his vehicle so he can drive around campus with his windows rolled down and the music turned up. “I’m a bad mother fucker,” said the freshman.

Burwitzki admits the flow master has its drawbacks besides sounding “gay as hell,” but says it’s a small price to pay to be cool. “The Flowmaster sounds like a Harley going through puberty,” said Burwitzki. “And the inside is too freakin’ loud!!! I get headaches whenever I take long trips, and conversations are impossible. But it’s worth it, I mean what’s cooler than a muffler that makes a bunch of noise!?”

Still Burwitzki says he is satisfied with the flow master, and admits unsuccessfully trying other ways to lure females before. “I used to have Justin call me on my cell phone when I was on the bus,” said Burwitzki. “We’d talk for along time about parties and weight lifting to sound cool in front of other people. Chicks really dig that stuff, but still it didn’t work. It turns out, all I needed was a Flowmaster.”
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