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Local Student �Pimpin� Hard� with Flowmaster New Car Accessory Helping Student Get Laid by Trevor Rosen, Editor-in-Chief
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Feel the raw power of his purring tailpipe.
Mmmmmm. |
AUSTIN, TX — University of Texas freshman Carl Burwitzki announced yesterday that he got laid for the fourth time since installing a flow master exhaust system onto his �97 Honda Accord. �I�m telling you man, it�s the aggressive race-car sound,� said Burwitzki of his recent success with the opposite sex. �With the Flowmaster on my car I�m pimpin� hard.�
The undeclared freshman said the noisy aphrodisiac has completely revolutionized his sex life. After getting the Flowmaster installed, Burwitzki reported that he was soon attracting female companions. �Before the Flowmaster, I was unnoticed by girls. Now when I drive down the street, I get more than just their attention," said Burwitzki. �I was cruising down the Drag the other day and saw this hot chick from my philosophy class, so when the light turned green I gunned it. I didn�t think it could get so loud!!! The Flowmaster roared like a LION and I know that chick was impressed cause later that week we got it on.�
Behavior psychologist Thomas Mortle cites various reasons why the Flowmaster increases sexual attractiveness. �Carl has asserted his dominance over competing males with the loud masculine sound from his exhaust system,� said Mortle. �Females searching for a potential mate will be driven away by weaker exhaust systems and attracted to Carl�s Flowmaster. Much like bullfrogs in the wild, the powerful sound from his flow master will attract breeding females to Carl�s vehicle. In all likelihood his ability as provider and caretaker for the female has increased, thus Carl has improved the chances of passing on his genes.�
Burwitzki would not give all the credit to the flow master however, and said his recent success with females has been because of his �style.� �Me and my roommate stole this �No Trespassing� sign off a deserted road. Now girls think we�re rebellious, I mean we could have been arrested for that!� Burwitzki also says he talked his roommate into putting big tires on his big truck. �He has this really big truck, so if he puts big tires on the big truck that would be cool. He could add a sticker of Calvin peeing on something to his back window, that will never get old.� Burwitzki also has plans to add bass speakers to his vehicle so he can drive around campus with his windows rolled down and the music turned up. �I�m a bad mother fucker,� said the freshman.
Burwitzki admits the flow master has its drawbacks besides sounding �gay as hell,� but says it�s a small price to pay to be cool. �The Flowmaster sounds like a Harley going through puberty,� said Burwitzki. �And the inside is too freakin� loud!!! I get headaches whenever I take long trips, and conversations are impossible. But it�s worth it, I mean what�s cooler than a muffler that makes a bunch of noise!?�
Still Burwitzki says he is satisfied with the flow master, and admits unsuccessfully trying other ways to lure females before. �I used to have Justin call me on my cell phone when I was on the bus,� said Burwitzki. �We�d talk for along time about parties and weight lifting to sound cool in front of other people. Chicks really dig that stuff, but still it didn�t work. It turns out, all I needed was a Flowmaster.� |
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