September 2002 (v5 i1)
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CLASSIFIEDS
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DUSK ON THURSDAY

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More than you've got lying around.
1 day........$8.00
2 days......$16.00
3 days......$32.00
4 days......$64.00
5 days......$128.00

Meaningless Text

In the time it took you to read this, you could have done something meaningful with your life. But now that time is gone, lost forever, wasted.
Display Rates

$16,523/column inch, payable only in non-negotiable Argentine bearer bonds with two co-signers,and triplicate initialled in Marks-a-Lot and blood
call for quotes

555-ADSS

Diner's Club and Ass Pennies accepted

555-BUMP
MERCHANDISE
430 - Carjacking Accessories
LOS LOCOS are looking for a robot with an attitude to help boost car stereos. Must know Los Locos theme song and secret handshake. Apply in person in the alley behind Benjamin's warehouse.
687 - False Hope
QUIT SMOKING IN 24 HOURS!!!

GUARANTEED! Top-rated Norwegian surgeons will surgically remove your hands for a fraction of the cost of patches and gum.

CALL
555-NO-WILL-POWER

NEED CASH?
*********

Get paid $15/hour to stuff and send envelopes laced with anthrax to state officials. Oops, did we say anthrax? We meant LOVE, and lots of it. call
(512) 555-JIHAD

DO YOU need money for school, home improvements, or a set of custom-tailored letter jackets for your team of Greco-Roman-wrestling marmots? The government has BILLIONS set aside just for YOU!

CALL NOW!
555-MY-COAT-RULZ
BORED & LONELY
I HAVE FOOTBALL TICKETS
OMG I can't believe I got tickets to the UT/OU game. I am totally stoked. I mean you don't want to know what I had to do to get themÖit was totally gross, but IM GOING. If you have tickets too, and you want to talk about how cool it is, call me!

(512) 555-Go-Texas.
TRANSPORTATION
430 - Frat Boyz Looking for Tahoes
My Tahoe got totally Tahoe'd last Tahoe, so I'm in Tahoe need of a totally Tahoe'n Tahoe. Tahoe me ASAP on my Tahoe phone.
(Tahoe) 555-7465
VANILLA ICE seeking 5.0. Desperate situation. My hair hasn't blown in years. Ready to cruise to the next block. No money, can barter for crate of 'To the Extreme" cassettes and a limited edition "Cool as Ice" dvd. Call 555-6... who am I kidding, I don't have a phone.
SERVICES NEEDED
8245 - Miscellaneous
NEED FLAVA
Local Jazz and Funk band seeks black member/credibility

(512) 555-9874

Be My Playmate?

Armless veteran seeks outgoing parapelegic for rousing game of Twister.
555-3652

Topless Maid Service

**Knobs Polished**
**Faucets Buffed**
**Pipes Cleaned**

555-SP‹J
ask for Chuck

Married couple looking for a live in companion to share in our most intimate of endeavors. Seeking male, 20-25, medium build, dead cat, flexible, no experience necessary. Booze supplied. Call 555-2873
6587 - Let's Get Physical
Navy Seals
seeking shit to infiltrate.

Would prefer a battleship, or some other dark, scary, dangerous locale... a mineshaft perhaps. Will settle for your child's preschool, as long as they all have sharp pencils.

We'll find YOU.

Engineering Freshman
seeking beer
My only friends are diff-EQ and a TI-85. Must get drunk. I'll drive, you can even keep the change. Help me, please. 555-3.14
1514 - Freebies
FREE KITTENS!

Cute, cuddly, looking for a new home, dead.

555-NO-ASPCA

WANTED
DEAD KITTENS.
*DONíT ASK, DONíT TELL.*
---555-GUCCI---

FREE SOCIAL DISEASES
(512) 555-0009
1514 - Longing Deities
VIRGIN MARY

seeks new and exciting food items to appear on. Tortillas are getting old. Openminded. Willing to try anything from falafel to ding-dongs. Just shout me a prayer dog.

Jared, brother of Jesus

seeking employment of any kind

Tired of living in brotherís long, dark shadow. Very Bitter. Nothing was ever good enough for Mary or Joseph. Nobody ever listened to Jared. It was always about Jesus. ďWhy canít you be more like your brother?Ē they would ask. Heís the son of God. I canít possibly compete with that.

Please ignore the glaring inconsistency that God would be my father as well. Facts are not relevent here. Just pay me to do something. ANYTHING. Iím so hungry and depressed.

(512) 555-9846
826 - TOOLS
Not so good rock band

Still plays to a tape, yet has devout audience.
555-SHAM
826 - TOOLS
Weed Whacker

Destroy that mangled corpse in the most violent way possible.

(512) 555-9666
EVENTS
PLEASE COME TO MY PARTY.

If you like parties where you donít know anybody, where the beer is flat, and where youíll generally feel uncomfortable at ever turn,

YOU GOTTA CHECK THIS OUT!
(512) 555-SAUSAGE FEST

NBA JAMATHON
Boomshakalaka Baby, itís that time again. Come on over to my house for an all out "heís on fire" NBA JAMathon. You bring the skillz Iíll bring the Game Gear. Booyaaaah.
(512) 555-3497
PERSONALS
4513 - Shot in the Dark
YOU: sexy blonde guy in black turtleneck. ME: housewife-ish model pictured the lingerie section of the Searís catalog. We had a time great in your bathroom, but then your girlfriend came home. Come back to page 87, baby. Iíll be waiting. #756

I saw you at the zoo. You were swinging from a branch, tossing your excrement at passersby. Am I crazy, or did we share a moment as you pelted me with your waste? Call me. #658

I bought you coffee at that place on South Congress.
Then you seduced me, married me for my money, ran away with my best friend, murdered him, ran for U.S. Senate, got elected, built a robotic exo-skeleton for yourself, blasted your name into the visible face of the moon, and nullified existence. Who were you? Iím intrigued. I was the guy in the hat. #984

I met you at that little bistro in Tahiti. You had that rugged look that eats at my very soul, and I mustered up the courage to approach you. We had the most amazing night on the beach, walking hand in hand as the brine washed over our feet. I was the guy in brown shoes, you were the dead cat. #738
4513 - Shot in the Dark
IíM GARY COLEMAN

Please call.
(512) 555-7461

I boned Dana Plato
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