| MERCHANDISE |
| 430 - Carjacking Accessories |
| LOS LOCOS are looking for a robot with an attitude to help boost car stereos. Must know Los Locos theme song and secret handshake. Apply in person in the alley behind Benjamin's warehouse. |
| 687 - False Hope |
QUIT SMOKING IN 24 HOURS!!!
GUARANTEED! Top-rated Norwegian surgeons will surgically remove your hands for a fraction of the cost of patches and gum.
CALL
555-NO-WILL-POWER |
|
NEED CASH?
*********
Get paid $15/hour to stuff and send envelopes laced with anthrax to state officials. Oops, did we say anthrax? We meant LOVE, and lots of it. call
(512) 555-JIHAD |
|
DO YOU need money for school, home improvements, or a set of custom-tailored letter jackets for your team of Greco-Roman-wrestling marmots? The government has BILLIONS set aside just for YOU!
CALL NOW!
555-MY-COAT-RULZ |
| BORED & LONELY |
I HAVE FOOTBALL TICKETS
OMG I can't believe I got tickets to the UT/OU game. I am totally stoked. I mean you don't want to know what I had to do to get them…it was totally gross, but IM GOING. If you have tickets too, and you want to talk about how cool it is, call me!
(512) 555-Go-Texas. |
| TRANSPORTATION |
| 430 - Frat Boyz Looking for Tahoes |
My Tahoe got totally Tahoe'd last Tahoe, so I'm in Tahoe need of a totally Tahoe'n Tahoe. Tahoe me ASAP on my Tahoe phone.
(Tahoe) 555-7465 |
|
| VANILLA ICE seeking 5.0. Desperate situation. My hair hasn't blown in years. Ready to cruise to the next block. No money, can barter for crate of 'To the Extreme" cassettes and a limited edition "Cool as Ice" dvd. Call 555-6... who am I kidding, I don't have a phone. |
| SERVICES NEEDED |
| 8245 - Miscellaneous |
| NEED FLAVA |
Local Jazz and Funk band seeks black member/credibility
(512) 555-9874 |
|
Be My Playmate?
Armless veteran seeks outgoing parapelegic for rousing game of Twister.
555-3652 |
|
Topless Maid Service
**Knobs Polished**
**Faucets Buffed**
**Pipes Cleaned**
555-SPÜJ
ask for Chuck |
|
| Married couple looking for a live in companion to share in our most intimate of endeavors. Seeking male, 20-25, medium build, dead cat, flexible, no experience necessary. Booze supplied. Call 555-2873 |
| 6587 - Let's Get Physical |
Navy Seals
seeking shit to infiltrate.
Would prefer a battleship, or some other dark, scary, dangerous locale... a mineshaft perhaps. Will settle for your child's preschool, as long as they all have sharp pencils.
We'll find YOU. |
|
Engineering Freshman
seeking beer
My only friends are diff-EQ and a TI-85. Must get drunk. I'll drive, you can even keep the change. Help me, please. 555-3.14 |
|
| 1514 - Freebies |
FREE KITTENS!
Cute, cuddly, looking for a new home, dead.
555-NO-ASPCA |
|
WANTED
DEAD KITTENS.
*DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL.*
---555-GUCCI--- |
|
FREE SOCIAL DISEASES
(512) 555-0009 |
| 1514 - Longing Deities |
VIRGIN MARY
seeks new and exciting food items to appear on. Tortillas are getting old. Openminded. Willing to try anything from falafel to ding-dongs. Just shout me a prayer dog. |
|
Jared, brother of Jesus
seeking employment of any kind
Tired of living in brother’s long, dark shadow. Very Bitter. Nothing was ever good enough for Mary or Joseph. Nobody ever listened to Jared. It was always about Jesus. “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” they would ask. He’s the son of God. I can’t possibly compete with that.
Please ignore the glaring inconsistency that God would be my father as well. Facts are not relevent here. Just pay me to do something. ANYTHING. I’m so hungry and depressed.
(512) 555-9846 |
| 826 - TOOLS |
Not so good rock band
Still plays to a tape, yet has devout audience.
555-SHAM |
| 826 - TOOLS |
Weed Whacker
Destroy that mangled corpse in the most violent way possible.
(512) 555-9666 |
|
| EVENTS |
PLEASE COME TO MY PARTY.
If you like parties where you don’t know anybody, where the beer is flat, and where you’ll generally feel uncomfortable at ever turn,
YOU GOTTA CHECK THIS OUT!
(512) 555-SAUSAGE FEST |
|
NBA JAMATHON
Boomshakalaka Baby, it’s that time again. Come on over to my house for an all out "he’s on fire" NBA JAMathon. You bring the skillz I’ll bring the Game Gear. Booyaaaah.
(512) 555-3497 |
| PERSONALS |
| 4513 - Shot in the Dark |
| YOU: sexy blonde guy in black turtleneck. ME: housewife-ish model pictured the lingerie section of the Sear’s catalog. We had a time great in your bathroom, but then your girlfriend came home. Come back to page 87, baby. I’ll be waiting. #756 |
|
| I saw you at the zoo. You were swinging from a branch, tossing your excrement at passersby. Am I crazy, or did we share a moment as you pelted me with your waste? Call me. #658 |
|
I bought you coffee at that place on South Congress.
Then you seduced me, married me for my money, ran away with my best friend, murdered him, ran for U.S. Senate, got elected, built a robotic exo-skeleton for yourself, blasted your name into the visible face of the moon, and nullified existence. Who were you? I’m intrigued. I was the guy in the hat. #984 |
|
| I met you at that little bistro in Tahiti. You had that rugged look that eats at my very soul, and I mustered up the courage to approach you. We had the most amazing night on the beach, walking hand in hand as the brine washed over our feet. I was the guy in brown shoes, you were the dead cat. #738 |
| 4513 - Shot in the Dark |
I’M GARY COLEMAN
Please call.
(512) 555-7461
I boned Dana Plato |
|
