September 2002 (v5 i1)
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Floating Head of Bush Demands Fried Chicken
Stoners question selves, national leadership
by Trevor Rosen, Editor-in-Chief

Smokin’ Scooby McGraff stares into the face of the
free world.
AUSTIN, TX — Local stoners Chad “Smokin’ Scooby” McGraff and Jimbo “Skizzles” Maloney were stunned last Sunday night, when, according to reports, the glowing, disembodied head of President George W. Bush appeared in their Hyde Park living room, speaking in tongues and demanding fried chicken.

“We were just reefin’ this fat spliffy that Jimbo rolled, watching the Sunday Night Sex Show on the Oxygen Network and takin’ a breather after a rough day, when [the Head of Bush] just showed up out of nowhere," said McGraff, a undeclared liberal arts senior. "I thought it was a hallucination or some shit. I had just eaten about six margarine and jelly sandwiches and a couple of popsicles, so I thought maybe it could have something to do with that—and I just ignored it.”

The Head of Bush, however, would not be denied.

“It just kept yelling, at us, saying that it needed the chicken,” said Maloney, 33, an unemployed house painter and philosophy doctoral candidate. “I asked it why it couldn’t, like, get its own fried chicken and it got this really mean look, and then it was all like, ‘I DON’T HAVE ANY ARMS!’ It really freaked me out... ”Maloney trailed off, returning his attention to a Discovery channel program on pygmy howler monkeys.

“Yeah, so... That’s, like, it. Crazy, huh?” remarked McGraff passively, thoroughly engrossed in the feeding rituals of African primates.

Strangely, this was not the pair’s first encounter with the fast food-craving supernatural.

“Last month, me and Skizzles and this guy from the video store ate some brownies and talked to Frank Sinatra’s liver. It said something about wanting some refried beans from Taco C,” said McGraff.

“Yeah, or he was gonna give us the ‘old one-two’ if we gave him any ‘guff.’ What does that even mean?” asked Maloney.

“Yeah, dude. Taco C doesn’t even sell ‘guff.’ Or ‘knuckle sandwiches,’ which sound really gross,” noted McGraff.

Other encounters include the detached retina of Marlene Deitrich and the prostate of Emperor Charlemagne. What makes their most recent exchange so unusual is the fact that it involved a living Commander in Chief.

“This anomaly raises the question of Bush’s status as a living person,” explains Correspondence Colleg e of Hoboken metaphysics professor W. Z. Weizman-Harding, author of Dreaming in Tandem: Cosmic Encounters With the Other. "When an entity like this appears before a group of people, it raises some very basic questions about the nature of the soul. Is Mr. Bush really an extant being, or is he merely a figment of the collective unconscious of America—a manifestation of our rabid consumerism and latent agoraphobia? Is that why these men saw him? Does Mr. Bush represent at once the best and worst in the American psyche—or was it just that these guys were blazed out of their minds?”

Until last week, The Head of Bush could usually be reached at the downtown all-ages dance club Paradox where It D.J.’d on alternate Thursdays, but as of our deadline, It was headlining a 70-date world tour with Air Supply, Mandy Patinkin, and Brooke Shields.
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