September 2002 (v5 i1)
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september dirtybriefs

Lord Satan Demands a Sacrifice of Flesh from Loyal Goth Minions
LOWER HELL – His Infernal Majesty Satan demanded today a sacrifice of flesh from his loyal and obedient followers on Earth. Speaking through his most efficient arcane medium, goth rock, Satan commanded depressed goth kids everywhere to scrape their arms with paperclips and other non-threatening devices in order that his thirst for mortal sacrifice be quenched. His Infernal Majesty also recommended staples as a method of self-immolation, citing the relative minor amount of pain and minor spill of blood involved in the bodily desecration. "My true and purely evil minions of Hell," Satan declared in a booming, rapturous growl from the bowels of the Earth. "Prove to me your eternal evilness and pure misanthropy by mildly scraping your flesh, not even so hard that you draw blood, but just enough so people think you're evil and you cut yourself. I demand this sacrifice of you! Shemhamforash!" Following the announcement, loyal Legionaries of Infernal Martyrdom nationwide scraped their flesh and applied dark makeup in accordance with Satan's commands.

UT to Add School of Hard Knocks
CAMPUS – Due to the enormous growth of the student population this year and the increasing pressure from the rap community, UT administration has decided to add another college to its current lineup. Starting with the fall 2003 semester, entering freshmen will have the option to apply to the School of Hard Knocks, where they will be able to pursue majors in fields such as Bling-Blingin’, Big Pimpin’ and Ballin’ Out of Control. Fresh Kid Ice, member of rap group 2 Live Crew, will act as Interim Dean until a suitable replacement can be found. Cautious as always, UT administration is reluctant to name possible deans, although a source inside the Tower has revealed that Jay-Z and Nelly are currently negotiating for the position. Since both rappers are equally qualified for the job, it may eventually come down to which artist is the most iced-up.

Towel Stolen from Student Showering in Community Bathroom
CAMPUS – Jamie Seilhan, a government freshman, felt safe living on the first floor of Kinsolving—that is until she stepped out of the shower one morning to find that her towel was missing. Trapped inside the stall naked and wet with only the company of her shower caddy, Seilhan was forced to rip off the shower liner and walk back to her room, crying hysterically. In order to fight future vandalism and pranks in residence halls, the Division of Housing and Food will install several cameras in the community bathrooms, which will be monitored twenty-four hours a day by volunteer staff members.

Professor Can't Figure Out How To Work Proxima Overhead Projector, Scorns Technology To Avoid Looking Stupid
CAMPUS — Tension ran high yesterday between man and machine as history professor Donald Chisum struggled with his lecture hall's Proxima overhead machine in an attempt to display his lecture outline. The Proxima machine, located in Welch Hall 1.308 and in most other classrooms on campus, is a sophisticated overhead projection device, far more advanced than the simplistic and primitive projectors found in most high schools. Rather than using transparency paper, one may place regular solid sheets of paper on the machine and have them projected onto two screens in the lecture hall. However, Professor Chisum was unable to make the document appear on both screens despite his best efforts. "Well," he spat from between gritted teeth as he toiled with the machine. "This just goes to show that technology doesn't necessarily make life easier, but rather, more difficult." The class watched the spectacle indifferently, with only a few students becoming concerned that they won't get to copy the lecture notes for yesterday's class.

Sorority Runs Out of T-shirt Ideas, Shuts Down
CAMPUS — Omega Rho Rho Beta Phi recently announced they would have to dissolve because they’ve “like totally run out of cool t-shirts ideas,” says chapter president Tiffini Rae Kubloqus. “We have an awesome T-shirt to commemorate every party, dance, or time somebody takes a shit. But we just like ran out of ideas.” The sorority will have final party with a wet T-shirt contest showcasing existing shirts. Various fratertinities will provide sympathy kegs. The entire Pan-Hellenic Council is worried this pattern might continue because as one fraternity members expains, “our T-shirts, more than like other stuff, define us as being like, way cooler than everyone else.”

Roommate Abuses Sex with Girlfriend Agreement
“It’s really gotten out of control,” explains Senior Mark Gosslier. “My roommate and I, after having a little embarrassing mishap where I came home and open the door to see him and his girlfriend getting it on, agreed to put a piece of tape over the keyhole to signify that it’s sex time inside. Now, half the time I come, home there’s tape over the keyhole and I hear laughing inside. What am I supposed to do?” Gosslier credits his roommate’s sexual vigor with his high grades this semester. “I’ve discovered these things called ‘books.’ They usually don’t involve sex, which is refreshing.”

Tower Flashes "TITZ"
CAMPUS – After decades of requests, the UT Tower finally gave in to persistent pleas to “flash some ‘titz.’” “I can’t believe it actually happened, dude!” commented an enthusiastic Joe Tanner, Physics senior. “And I totally caught it on video!” “Man, those were some huge ‘titz,’” said an anonymous bystander. “I can’t wait to share an MPEG of this on KaZaA!” shouted Tanner on his way home to the Honors dorms.
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