November 2006 (v9 i3)
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College Democrats really helped out this year
   CAMPUS The College Democrats reportedly partied hard enough to wake Thomas Jefferson from the grave Saturday at a well-deserved, self-congratulatory celebration for turning America blue this election.
   “We’re all really friggin’ pumped about the results of this election,” said Jessica Manzana, president of the College Democrats. “All of our block-walking, phone-banking, and West Mall tabling paid off big time!”
   Despite the election of a Republican governor in Texas, the CDems are confident their political volunteering saved the midterm elections and will one day get them into law school, the Senate and eventually heaven.
   “With all this real-world experience, how could I not get into law school?” said Sergeant-at-Arms James Fellows as he retouched the paint of the Democratic donkey bucking wildly on the CDems’ meeting poster. “Then after I graduate from UT Law and work my way up to partner, I’ll be on my way to Capitol Hill and then Pennsylvania Avenue!”

Freshman still searching for locker
   CAMPUS — With final exams fast approaching, freshman Drew Ryker is still searching for his locker and homeroom.
   “I thought they would assign me a locker in the liberal arts building, because I’m a psychology major, but so far I haven’t had any luck finding mine,” bemoaned Ryker, adding wide-ruled notebook paper to his Trapper Keeper. “It’s becoming really inconvenient to have to walk all the way back to my dorm just to switch out the books in my backpack before each class.”
   Recently, Ryker has resorted to entering every lecture hall on campus at 8 a.m. in search of his homeroom. “It’s taken almost three months to sit in each classroom in the six-pack, but I’m still searching,” said a frustrated Ryker as he zipped open the pouch containing his colored pencils.
   Roommate and biology sophomore Ken Lampson has assisted Ryker in his quest: “I would tell him there aren’t lockers or homerooms in college, but then he would never believe me when I tell him to bring a small gift to his professor on the last day of class.”

» More Dirty Briefs

Conservative students won’t really care about the Democrats taking over the House and the Senate because they still have more money and a free ticket to heaven.
“Go Vegan” pamphlets will be accepted as vouchers at local meat markets for the pigs feet eight-for-one special.
People who claim they are taking it easy tonight secretly wish you would invite them downtown to get black out drunk.
Shopping on the drag is a lot like running for political office. You end up spending twice as much money as you intended, and you have to ignore a lot of homeless people.
Computer science majors will find comfort in the hope that the future will be more like the movie Tron.
• After initial surprise that a student contributing to the class discussion has a foreign accent, fellow classmates will, without qualms, turn and half-stand to see who it is.
• Did you hear that pink is the new GO TO HELL!!!
• Where there are black tights in class, there are camel toes. Where there are camel toes, there are boners. Where there are camel toes and boners, there is a party. Class is the new party.
Girls who constantly brag about not being in a sorority are probably independent, well-adjusted women. And fat.
Bevo bucks can buy you condoms at Jester City Market, but they cannot buy you self-assurance that you didn’t get her pregnant last night.
• Hey ladies, where’s the track meet?
That Bob FM guy must be the most indiscriminate douche bag ever.
• Remember when parties used to involve cakes and presents and not binge drinking and STDs?
Everything is better on a Mac. Everything.
• Hey your phone was ringing a second ago. I don’t know who it was.
• If it weren’t for science, the Hellraiser Honeys would have everyone thinking that body paint makes you fat and skanky.
Girls who wear those colorful loose-fitting Mexican dresses are desperately trying to hide what they hope to be an ever-growing beer gut.
That guy on a motorcycle who peels out at the Drag crosswalk is a badaaaassssssssss.
Theater kids will be just as not famous and successful as RTF kids.
Kansas State. Really?

Did you see Casey Fields at the Union yesterday? How many junior bacon cheeseburgers has she eaten this semester? Someone’s not going to be able to fit her thighs into those trendy black leggings if she’s not careful. Just because they’re called “junior” doesn’t mean they won’t make you fifty pounds heavier by the time you’re a senior!

» more

Career Services lecture instills life-changing epiphany
CAMPUS — Students in Professor Michael McDonald’s Latin American history lecture were inspired and energized to improve their job-seeking skills last Thursday after viewing a rousing presentation by Career Services adviser Michelle Goodman.... » more

T-shirts reveal attitude, hollowness of lifestyle
CAMPUS — Advertising major Kenny Chesowitz has capitalized on the recent trend in graphic T-shirts emblazoned with humorously ironic and post-modern phrases by exploring new avenues of self-expression through fashion.... » more

Student never forgets 9/11
CAMPUS — Government major Jacob Rodden has ruined every class he’s ever been in with excessive references to the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, report classmates and professors.... » more

Student addicted to studying, Adderall
CAMPUS — Electrical engineering and pre-med sophomore Patrick Johnson stated Monday that his ever increasing workload at school has caused him to become addicted to long, uninterrupted studying sessions and to forty milligrams of the prescription drug Adderall he takes each night before heading to the library.... » more

History major ruins war film
CAMPUS Sophomore Doug Merck repeatedly annoyed his friends earlier this week as they attempted to watch the film Enemy at the Gates. “Yet another movie night ruined by Doug,” bemoaned friend Molly Dyson. “This has been happening ever since he switched majors...”» more

BCS to rank human worth #1 — 6,555,326,215
LOS ANGELES — College football’s infamous Bowl Championship Series ranking system recently announced its intentions to expand beyond football and begin ranking all human beings.... » more

Student not ashamed of sprint for bus
WEST CAMPUS — Junior Brad Meckler nearly missed the 10:42 a.m. West Campus shuttle to his 11:00 a.m. Intro to Chemistry lecture. In order to reach the bus on time, Meckler was forced to break into a full sprint for three fourths of a block. “No way was I going to miss that bus,” said Meckler trying to catch his breath. “That class is in Mezes, and I was not about to walk....” » more

Community college friend ruins awesome weekend
Sophomore James Knox was visited by former high school classmate and current San Jacinto Community College student Michael Briggs last weekend. The friends were separated after graduation when Briggs was unable to afford a four-year university and opted to get his basics at community college instead.... » more
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Lesser-Known Holiday Cards

West Campus: The Real UT


I’ve recently had a change of heart about the death penalty
Saddam Hussein
Condemned Former Dictator
Trust me, extinction isn’t that cool
Veloc E. Raptor
Extinct Since Cenozoic
Need equations solved? I’m free this Spring
Mike Kantor
History major fully prepared to be full-time waitress
Laura Schulman
Staff Writer
Penguins are fucking everywhere
Herb Cantwell
Concerned Patriot
He’ll definitely treat me better when we’re married!
Katie Jensen
Hopeless Romantic
God: he’s just not that into you
Lucy Fur Wormwood
A Messenger
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