March 2006 (v8 i5)
Fondling Bats Since 1997
 Jump to Issue  

Buy Merchandise

AIM Buddy Icons

Desktop Backgrounds


Freshman-senior relationship rocks Kinsolving
CAMPUS — Freshman Katy Handel shocked fellow residents of Kinsolving’s fourth floor Tuesday when she announced that she was dating senior Matt Lowery. “I cannot believe Katy is dating a senior,” said roommate Becca Howard. “I guess being a sophomore by hours really does make her more mature.” Handel made her announcement after calling all the girls on her floor into her room to watch the OC last Thursday night. “I tried to play it off like it wasn’t a big deal,” explained Handel. “I mean, I’ve always dated older guys — in high school I was the only girl in my grade to go to the senior prom all four years.” Not everyone shared in Handel’s enthusiasm, however. “You know, I could say I’m dating a senior, too,” sniffed Laura Templer. “I just don’t tell anyone he’s in high school.”

Student avoids eye contact with blind professor
CAMPUS — Fourth-year junior Scott Waller was accused by classmates of insensitivity toward the visually impaired after he failed to acknowledge his English professor Mort Rosenbaum as they passed each other on the Main Mall. “We were walking to class when we saw Dr. Rosenbaum,” said Monica Snowe. “We all said ‘hi’ except for Scott — he just looked down at his feet and didn’t say a word.” Although Dr. Rosenbaum was unaware of Scott’s presence, his classmates did not let the matter go unnoticed. Snowe chided, “Just because Professor Rosenbaum can’t see Scott, it doesn’t mean he can pretend he’s not there.” Defending himself, Waller stated, “I see him enough in class, so I’m sure he doesn’t want to see me after class either.” Snowe countered: “That’s just the sort of thing a blindist would say.”

» More Dirty Briefs

Girls in ruffled skirts will prove yet again that Old Navy commercials can still reach the college demographic of pre-soccer wife.
Suicidal people living in West Campus will just stop locking their doors at night.
Playgrounds will become depressing when you realize you’re too tall for the monkey bars, the swings pinch your ass, and you’ll be working until you’re 65.
While hustling to class with a heavy backpack on, a student compensates his running style to that of a raptor in the heat of a hunt.
The new sandwich shop on the Drag doesn’t require its name repeated five times to comprehend it, infant.
Unfortunately for upperclassmen, professors will not recognize the friday before Spring Break as Offical Senior Skip Day.
A freshman trying to turn over a new leaf this semester will spend $30 on fish oil pills, which he will throw away after he releases a burp in the middle of class that smells stingingly like miso soup.
A janitor caught spying on girls through a peephole in the UGL bathroom will be laid off, and by laid off he means fired with threats of legal action.
The Campus Democrats and the Ted Kennedy is the Goddamn Devil Club will just agree to disagree.
You will learn in your Weather and Climate class that fog is nothing more than an accumulation of demon farts.
Graduating seniors who are dating someone younger are going to be facing the “where is this going?” conversation pretty soon.
• Apparently chalk is now a recognized form of communication on the Drag.
People who cross the street with the crowd when there is no walk signal are putting a lot of faith in the safety in numbers theory.
Pet names should not be recycled from one boyfriend to the next.
Your neglected pet will develop trust issues and have trouble with commitment.
Couples walking hand-in-hand secretly just want to play Red Rover.
No matter how much you pay for tuition and fees, you will never, ever print anything on campus for free.
Business students whose ethics education includes learning how to spin negative news will find themselves at absolutely no risk of contracting an STD.

Construction site? More like seduction site! Sophomore Missy Havermeyer and junior Kyle Berkowitz were spotted crawling out of the restricted Blanton Museum site, their hair amess and their backs studded with the rubble of passion! We guess the hats aren’t the only hard things over there!

» more

‘Patriot Act is nothing new,’ says local father
PHILADELPHIA — Amidst the heated debate over civil liberties that surrounds the Patriot Act, Robert Waller, father of four teenage girls, finds “nothing wrong” with President Bush’s initiative to monitor phone conversations with the intention of preventing acts of terrorism.... » more

Laptop actually used for note-taking in class
CAMPUS — Government junior Anthony Moorhead finds dictating lecture notes on his laptop easier than taking notes by hand. ... » more

Dorm resident discovers rice in roll of quarters
CAMPUS — Undeclared freshman Kaylie Haysbogue discovered a starchy substance in a roll of quarters while doing laundry in Jester East, officials said Monday.... » more

Old woman tells terrible, awkward story over dinner
PLANO, TX — Eighty-three-year-old grandmother Florence Winston made her entire family extremely uncomfortable during dinner at her home Sunday evening when she discussed her current medical problems in depth.... » more

Sweatshirt proves girl could have attended Stanford
CAMPUS — A conversation focused on UT athletics soured after a government 312K class Thursday when government and Plan II freshman Jessica Easton drew attention to the fact that the Stanford sweatshirt she was wearing was purchased during a campus visit.... » more
Bode Miller's Timeline of Failure

Giggles the Dysfunctional Clown

Jesus Is...

Ask The CS Stud

Travesty Crossword

Nick Lachey's Résumé

SXSW — A Diary by Ty O'Henderslice


Coming Soon: The Student Activities Center

Dick Cheney Hunting Accident: How things went wrong

Vince Young Co-Op!

Chuck Norris Factual Facts

Sorority Newsletter!


Editorial Cartoon

The 26 Riverside
Todd Nienkerk
Editor Emeritus
I feel empty inside, baby!
Dick Vitale
Sports Announcer
I can't get enough Owen Wilson
Roger Roekel
Amateur Movie Critic
Grasping desperately at the corporate ladder
Eric Seufert
Associate Editor
©1997-2006 Texas Travesty | Copyright & Legalese | Issue Credits | Texas Travesty Archives Home