• Girls in ruffled skirts will prove yet again that Old Navy commercials can still reach the college demographic of pre-soccer wife.
• Suicidal people living in West Campus will just stop locking their doors at night.
• Playgrounds will become depressing when you realize you’re too tall for the monkey bars, the swings pinch your ass, and you’ll be working until you’re 65.
• While hustling to class with a heavy backpack on, a student compensates his running style to that of a raptor in the heat of a hunt.
• The new sandwich shop on the Drag doesn’t require its name repeated five times to comprehend it, infant.
• Unfortunately for upperclassmen, professors will not recognize the friday before Spring Break as Offical Senior Skip Day.
• A freshman trying to turn over a new leaf this semester will spend $30 on fish oil pills, which he will throw away after he releases a burp in the middle of class that smells stingingly like miso soup.
• A janitor caught spying on girls through a peephole in the UGL bathroom will be laid off, and by laid off he means fired with threats of legal action.
• The Campus Democrats and the Ted Kennedy is the Goddamn Devil Club will just agree to disagree.
• You will learn in your Weather and Climate class that fog is nothing more than an accumulation of demon farts.
• Graduating seniors who are dating someone younger are going to be facing the “where is this going?” conversation pretty soon.
• Apparently chalk is now a recognized form of communication on the Drag.
• People who cross the street with the crowd when there is no walk signal are putting a lot of faith in the safety in numbers theory.
• Pet names should not be recycled from one boyfriend to the next.
• Your neglected pet will develop trust issues and have trouble with commitment.
• Couples walking hand-in-hand secretly just want to play Red Rover.
• No matter how much you pay for tuition and fees, you will never, ever print anything on campus for free.
• Business students whose ethics education includes learning how to spin negative news will find themselves at absolutely no risk of contracting an STD.
