February 2006 (v8 i4)
Hiding in the bushes since 1997!
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I called law school first, Liberal Arts major claims
CAMPUS — Liberal Arts junior Nick Garrett insisted Tuesday that he proclaimed his intent to attend law school before any other students at the University. “I’ve heard a lot of chatter from other Liberal Arts majors lately that they have plans to attend law school,” Garrett said. “But I have news for you folks: I called it first.” In the past, Garrett has threatened the security of applications from other students, claiming he knows people in the postal service who can “make things disappear.” Garrett’s brother and roommate, Tim Garrett, was not surprised by his sibling’s actions: “He has always been extreme about the things he ‘calls.’ He punched our father in the neck once for using the ranch dressing before him at dinner, and he shut my head in the car door one time when I tried to sit shotgun. He definitely takes things way too seriously.” After form-tackling one would-be law school applicant into the Littlefield fountain last week, Nick turned to address a curious crowd of onlookers. “Put your résumé templates away, stop composing your personal statements, and toss your books of quotations — I called it first, jerk-offs.”

Boyfriend’s resolution to not get dumped broken
BURBANK, Calif. — Andy Morris, ex-boyfriend of Rachel Rutherford, reported Wednesday that his new year’s resolution of “not losing the love of his life” was broken after Rutherford dumped him for someone she described as “like, a thousand times hotter.” The couple met on MySpace after Rutherford messaged Morris about their similar favorite TV shows. However, once Rutherford messaged friend-of-a-friend David Catterton about how they both put The Beatles as one of their favorite bands, she confessed to Morris, “I found my soulmate.” Rutherford paused, then added, “Oh, and it’s not you. Sorry.” In addition to failing to keep his girlfriend, Morris was unsuccessful keeping his resolutions to exercise three times a week, stop smoking and cry less.

» More Dirty Briefs

The holidays may be over, but seasonal depression is still the gift that keeps on giving.
The watered-down soap in campus bathrooms will slip through your fingers and go down the drain, just like the chances of you ridding your hands of toilet germs.
We get it, you’re hungover.
That national championship T-shirt you’re wearing is soooo last season.
Students who get to class first will always sit in the aisle seats, inconveniencing everyone who shows up after them.
Vibrating cell phones will continue to distract sex-deprived students.
There is no way to sit comfortably in Garrison.
The people who hand you those free sandwich coupons on the West Mall actually don’t give a shit whether you ever get a free sandwich.
People wearing sunglasses on cloudy days are actually wanted felons.
Male students who are starting to go bald had better squeeze in as much sex as they can now.
You have learned how to shut your alarm off without waking up, and that’s something to lose sleep over.
Campus construction will not end until every viable shortcut is eradicated.
You should probably start writing that thesis about now.
Girls who are uncomfortable doing squats in their TeXercise class make everyone else equally uncomfortable by wearing lyrca to class. There’s a reason they make sweats.
Working on a crossword puzzle in class will hardly get your wit the attention you think it deserves, mostly because it’s Monday, and you can’t even do half of it.
The caged pterodactyl in the University Presbyterian Church tower seeks veneration with every murderous screech.
A student sending a dirty text message will snicker when he realizes that both “anal” and “cock” are 2625.
The girl you like does know you exist, she just wishes you didn’t.
Students who complain about 9am classes shouldn’t begin their weekends on a Wednesday.
Cynics who think true heroes no longer exist need to take a stroll through Gregory Gym during the all-female jazzercise class.
If you’re not able to tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue, you really are a bad kisser.
Fat guys wearing neither sweatpants nor Big Daddy T-shirts are really sticking it to the man.

Hey all you inquiring minds! If you think UT is big enough to make you fairly anonymous to the public consciousness, you’re very wrong, my friend!

» more

Non-traditional student enjoys campus life
CAMPUS — As a 41-year-old first-semester freshman, Carol Weber knows that she’ll have to do more than just go to class in order to get the most out of her four years here.... » more

Professor just wants to be your friend
CAMPUS — Professor Walter Humphrey has been teaching history at the University for nearly two decades and has enjoyed every second of it.... » more

Students helping students
CAMPUS — For peer advisors Jennifer Blanchard and Lacey Vaughn, helping undergraduates drop classes, declare majors and feel like mental defectives for not knowing everything about arcane University procedures is all in a day’s work.... » more

Friend who smoked pot dead, claims father
THE WOODLANDS, TX — Ninth-grader Ben Hirschowitz listened in trepidation Friday evening as his father, Ari Hirschowitz, articulated over dinner the fatal and unavoidable consequences of teen drug abuse.... » more

Student ‘pod-casted’ for listening to Walkman
CAMPUS Freshman Jesse Radcliffe unknowingly committed a fashion faux pas Wednesday when classmates observed him listening to music on a Sony Discman.... » more
What could make Jennifer Aniston's life even worse?

Things cuter than UGG boots

Dirty South Rap: A Socioeconomic Analysis

What are professors doing during office hours?

Guide to Getting the Most Out of Your Dorm Room

What's that THING in the Urinal?

The Smoking Revolver

Excuse notes for getting out of class

No Fear

Jesus Is...

Bling My Bike

No Bones About It!

Horoscopes

Editorial Cartoon

Mailbag


An open letter to the man who stole my underpants
Kristin Hillery
Editor-In-Chief
Where have all the mustaches gone?
Bradley Jackson
Managing Editor
The Rose Bowl ROCKED my BALLS
Drew Baelle
The Hymen Annihilator
There just aren’t any good acting parts for zombies these days
Chad Blaze
Zombie/Actor
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