• The holidays may be over, but seasonal depression is still the gift that keeps on giving.
• The watered-down soap in campus bathrooms will slip through your fingers and go down the drain, just like the chances of you ridding your hands of toilet germs.
• We get it, you’re hungover.
• That national championship T-shirt you’re wearing is soooo last season.
• Students who get to class first will always sit in the aisle seats, inconveniencing everyone who shows up after them.
• Vibrating cell phones will continue to distract sex-deprived students.
• There is no way to sit comfortably in Garrison.
• The people who hand you those free sandwich coupons on the West Mall actually don’t give a shit whether you ever get a free sandwich.
• People wearing sunglasses on cloudy days are actually wanted felons.
• Male students who are starting to go bald had better squeeze in as much sex as they can now.
• You have learned how to shut your alarm off without waking up, and that’s something to lose sleep over.
• Campus construction will not end until every viable shortcut is eradicated.
• You should probably start writing that thesis about now.
• Girls who are uncomfortable doing squats in their TeXercise class make everyone else equally uncomfortable by wearing lyrca to class. There’s a reason they make sweats.
• Working on a crossword puzzle in class will hardly get your wit the attention you think it deserves, mostly because it’s Monday, and you can’t even do half of it.
• The caged pterodactyl in the University Presbyterian Church tower seeks veneration with every murderous screech.
• A student sending a dirty text message will snicker when he realizes that both “anal” and “cock” are 2625.
• The girl you like does know you exist, she just wishes you didn’t.
• Students who complain about 9am classes shouldn’t begin their weekends on a Wednesday.
• Cynics who think true heroes no longer exist need to take a stroll through Gregory Gym during the all-female jazzercise class.
• If you’re not able to tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue, you really are a bad kisser.
• Fat guys wearing neither sweatpants nor Big Daddy T-shirts are really sticking it to the man.
