February 2006 (v8 i4)
Hiding in the bushes since 1997!
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february dirtybriefs

Georgia O’ Keefe painting left bloody after breaking and entering
NEW YORK — Art collector Maria Gibbins was left with a bloody Georgia O’Keefe painting after Chris Jastroch broke and entered her tight, one-room apartment. Upon noticing the intruder, Gibbins threw a slim, discreet switchblade into Jastroch’s arm, splattering blood all over her favorite painting. “That switchblade was so light. I barely even noticed it was there,” Jastroch recalled. O’Keefe, known for cleverly disguising vaginas as flowers, was not available for comment.

Professor agrees with, completely changes student’s comment
CAMPUS — While leading a class discussion about the Battle of Hastings, history lecturer Kent Rockwell took a completely uninformed comment from junior Matt Stedman and extrapolated it into his own thesis. Stedman explained: “When Professor Rockwell called on me, I hadn’t done any of the reading. All I knew about Hastings was that it had something to do with England, William the Conquerer and 1066. So I said something like, ‘Well, William, arguably being a conquerer, can be argued to have played a major role in events that can be argued to have taken place in 1066.’”
Rockwell then responded: “So I think what you’re saying is that William the Conqueror may have militarily won the Battle of Hastings in 1066, but there were more complicated underlying political forces at play. This in turn explains the role of French influence as both a source of inspiration and tension throughout English history. Interesting point, Mr. Stedman. A-plus!” Rockwell’s discourse left many students confused. “I thought this was a British history class, not a History of Military Failures and Cigarette Smoking,” said sophomore Trent Rawlings. “What the hell do the French have to do with England, and who is Norman?”

Dog trainer alienates in-laws with excessive kissing
BURBANK, Calif. — Gary Terrill, a championship dog show trainer, recently disgusted his wife and her family by open-mouth kissing his prized Airedale, Bella, in front of them. “It was one of the more appalling things I’ve seen,” said Larry Hemmings, Terrill’s father-in-law. “Almost as appalling as my daughter choosing to marry a shoe salesman.” According to Hemmings, the family was eating breakfast in the Terrill’s kitchen when Bella received her generous, slobbery reward for fetching the paper. Terrill’s wife Sherrie tried to distract her parents while the fluid exchange took place by showing them newspaper clippings about her husband’s dog show victories. Later, Sherrie’s mother Joan commented to her husband, “I never thought I’d say this, but if our daughter looked more like a dog, we’d probably have grandchildren.”

I called law school first, Liberal Arts major claims
CAMPUS — Liberal Arts junior Nick Garrett insisted Tuesday that he proclaimed his intent to attend law school before any other students at the University. “I’ve heard a lot of chatter from other Liberal Arts majors lately that they have plans to attend law school,” Garrett said. “But I have news for you folks: I called it first.” In the past, Garrett has threatened the security of applications from other students, claiming he knows people in the postal service who can “make things disappear.” Garrett’s brother and roommate, Tim Garrett, was not surprised by his sibling’s actions: “He has always been extreme about the things he ‘calls.’ He punched our father in the neck once for using the ranch dressing before him at dinner, and he shut my head in the car door one time when I tried to sit shotgun. He definitely takes things way too seriously.” After form-tackling one would-be law school applicant into the Littlefield fountain last week, Nick turned to address a curious crowd of onlookers. “Put your résumé templates away, stop composing your personal statements, and toss your books of quotations — I called it first, jerk-offs.”

Boyfriend’s resolution to not get dumped broken
BURBANK, Calif. — Andy Morris, ex-boyfriend of Rachel Rutherford, reported Wednesday that his new year’s resolution of “not losing the love of his life” was broken after Rutherford dumped him for someone she described as “like, a thousand times hotter.” The couple met on MySpace after Rutherford messaged Morris about their similar favorite TV shows. However, once Rutherford messaged friend-of-a-friend David Catterton about how they both put The Beatles as one of their favorite bands, she confessed to Morris, “I found my soulmate.” Rutherford paused, then added, “Oh, and it’s not you. Sorry.” In addition to failing to keep his girlfriend, Morris was unsuccessful keeping his resolutions to exercise three times a week, stop smoking and cry less.
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