March 2005 (v7 i5)
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Condoleezza Rice destroys fifth hand-gripper this year
WASHINGTON, DC — Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice cut short an early-morning workout Wednesday when she completely crushed an exercise hand-gripper — her fifth so far since January, said an anonymous White House source. The gripper, a squeezable handheld device that strengthens wrists and forearms, was reduced to "twisted scrap metal" by Rice's ironclad grip. "She's always squeezing that thing during Cabinet meetings, huffing and grunting and losing her breath," the source said. "It gets distracting when the president can't hear his instructions over the rhythmic, metallic sound." The source then added: "The hand-gripper can be pretty loud, too." The device withstood Rice's vice-like clasp only slightly better than did Canadian ambassador Frank McKenna's hand, which liquefied last May.

Professor makes self-deprecating joke about own age
CAMPUS — To the obligatory amusement of his students, 59-year-old history professor Jeremy Branson made a self-effacing joke about his own age during a Tuesday seminar. The quip came at a transitional point in a discussion about post-1960s feminism. "Back when I was in college, only ten years ago..." Branson said to light, mandatory laughter. While most of the class quickly moved past the token one-liner, the comment stuck in the mind of at least one impressionable student. "That was both hilarious and novel!" said Will Rodriguez, a student in Branson's class. "Professor Branson really appeals to my cultural disdain for the aged!"

» More Dirty Briefs

A film undergrad will write a script while following the credo, "Write what you know." But do audiences really want to see a movie about future unemployability?
Morning clouds will fool everyone into carrying an umbrella around all day in the glaring sun.
A pack of ravenous wolves will break into Jester City Limits, but will leave when they find nothing suitable to eat.
• If the girls wearing miniskirts and flip-flops in 40-degree weather are any indication, hypothermia is the new haute.
Students protesting Taco Bell for human rights should instead be protesting for the right to buy a taco that doesn't taste like seasoned bat turds in a cardboard shell.
A hairy guy meditating by the Turtle Pond will become one with artificial aquatics.
The driver of a Honda Civic with racing stripes and blue neon lights will realize that his car is neither fast nor furious.
Overweight pigeons will shit on unsuspecting students eating lunch outside the Union.
A pedestrian and a driver at the intersection of Speedway and 2121 will engage in an 18-hour standoff as they repeatedly attempt to wave each other on.
Newly-elected student government officers will deliberate over whether "issued recommendations" or "brainstormed recommendations" is better for their resumes.
• Strangely, hopscotch will continue to be an unpopular sport on the South Mall.
Overly enthusiastic physics professors will suffer a crushing blow to their egos when students fail to get yet another lame joke about ergodic fields.
An overheard snippet of conversation in Chinese will make you feel culturally broadened somehow.
Two tragically unaware guys will sit next to each other in lecture while wearing the same pathetically mass-marketed shirt. "Everything is Bigger in Texas?" Except variety.
People everywhere are chewing way too loud.
Students will naively continue to believe some things aren't too good to be true and that over-sugared smoothies that taste like ice cream are actually good for them.
Researchers will find that the greatest spreaders of the common cold are the apparently never-cleaned screens of the self-checkout registers at HEB.
Studying for midterms will turn out to be one of the most expensive endeavors ever undertaken by students who buy numerous $4 coffee drinks at local coffee shops for days on end.

UT System to use surplus funds for emergencies
AUSTIN — UT System officials announced last week that $46 million of a projected $115 million surplus will go to an "emergency fund" that would buffer against a range of possible problems, such as, say, a volcanic eruption in Central Texas.... » more

Ambitious coworker a 'real type A-hole'
LAKE OSWEGO, OR — After six months of exhibiting overtly competitive behavior, such as stapling papers with excessive force and not holding elevators, ambitious software salesman Jonathan Harding has been recognized by his coworkers as a "real type A-hole...." » more

White House cuts complimentary pens
WASHINGTON, DC — The budget for the 2005 fiscal year proposed by President Bush outlines a $20 billion decrease in social programs, including money for education and health care and the complete elimination of complimentary White House pens, says Press Secretary Scott McLellan.... » more

'Time of Your Life' played at funeral
AUSTIN — Twenty-year-old James McFaul played Green Day's "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" at his grandmother's funeral Thursday, in a performance that friends and family called "cliché but trite...." » more

Mom qualifies for Girl Scouts prize
HARTFORD, CT — Thirty-eight-year-old mother Betsy Willingsworth sold her 500th box of Girl Scout cookies early this week, qualifying her for the Scouts' top prize: a free week at Wilderness Brook Horse Camp.... » more

Singles find close estimation to love
SANTA FE, NM — In increasing numbers, lovelorn singles are turning to the internet to find that one person who comes closest to being remotely near the ballpark of people who might potentially be congruent to someone who resembles their ideal mate.... » more
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A Brief History of Alcohol

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What's YOUR relationship type?

Your Apartment's Newsletter

Martin Lawrence responds to prescription drug ads

Travesty Index

Chance to hold Jacko's Umbrella

Cute Animal Photos



Kirstie Alley's Fat Joke Corner

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I can't believe you put that in your body!
Ellen Johnson
Your Nutrition Major Roommate
My last name is my Social Security
J. Everett Hamilton
Inside the Wasp's Nest
It is your fault, and Daddy doesn't love you
Your Mom
Wishes She Wasn't
I'm seriously considering mugging you
Wants to Steal Your Purse
You're a slut
Your Birth Control
Fed up with Your Promiscuity
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