September 2004 (v7 i1)
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Good Samaritans correct atrocious lack of paint on MLK statue
CAMPUS - Two Good Samaritans corrected the appalling lack of spray paint that has marred the bronze statue of Martin Luther King, Jr. on the East Mall since its unveiling, said campus authorities. In a secret act of generosity on August 15, the noble altruists were caught by security cameras rectifying the unsightly lack of paint stains. "For seven years, that statue has represented this institution's longstanding commitment to inclusiveness," said UT President Larry Faulkner. "But can we really call ourselves inclusive if we don't include the contributions of these two well-adjusted self-starters, who toiled bravely in the twilight hours to improve the artistic merit of that monument - leaving no signature and seizing no glory?" The UT System is currently discussing a referendum to build a statue memorializing the unknown Good Samaritans.

Thirdgrader 'has no future'
TAMPA BAY, FL - In a parent-teacher conference Wednesday between Ms. Maple and the parents of third grader Billy Morrison, the Coolidge Elementary School teacher made the assertion that the 9-year-old boy "has no future." The outburst was the result of Ms. Maple's mounting frustration at the Morrisons' lack of concern for their son's failing grades and was followed by an awkward moment of silence. Before Ms. Maple could attempt to retract her statement, Mrs. Morrison said, "It's okay, Ms. Maple. We know." Mr. Morrison added, "Thee boy is a strange bird. He never quite took to learning." The three then shared a hearty laugh as they watched Billy pretending to bag groceries in the third grade's play store. The remainder of the conference was spent joking about how much time and effort they all could have fruitlessly wasted.

» More Dirty Briefs

• 80 percent of girls on their cell phones between classes aren't talking to anyone.
People in cabs will scoff at the burgeoning underclass of E-Bus patrons.
Neohipsters will pay $4 for a coffee at Metro, even though they secretly just wanted a Coke and a seat at the popular table in the cafeteria.
Alumni who bring their young kids to football games will try to convince themselves that they weren't drunken hooligans in college. No, I won't tone my language down, asshole.
• The Future Dead Pedestrians of America will be meeting at busy intersections to play right-of-way games with speeding vehicles.
Overeager returning students will continue to like school enough for the both of you.
Captain Clueless will attempt to charm you by turning courteous small talk into a biographical discourse about himself.
Students who shake entire rows of seats with their furious legtapping will sit next to you during written exams.
• Will idiots ever stop answering professors' rhetorical questions out loud? No.
University researchers have discovered a new planet, reminding all of us that they have a really expensive telescope.
Student organizations will increase their efforts to get our attention, not realizing that they turned us off by coming on too strong to begin with. Back off, Rugby - I'm proud to be an American.
Presidential candidates' brothers will be disappointed when no one recognizes them on the West Mall.
People running to class look funny and deserve to be laughed at.
• The 40 Acres Buses will be renamed "40-Thousand Acres." If they weren't traveling 40,000 acres, why else would they take so goddamn long and travel caravan-style?
Someone at a Union lunch table will use the word "hegemony," reminding anyone who might have forgotten that they are indeed on a college campus.
Freshmen who walked into the wrong classroom on the first day have brought upon their families a kind of disgrace that can only be undone by harikari.
Bevo XIII will celebrate his liberation from the crippling pain of being a football mascot by drooling on his hooves in a perpetual, Quaalude-induced haze.
• The Confederate statues on the South Mall will reanimate, sneak over to the MLK statue and commit a third act of vandalism. Security cameras will again blame it on "light-skinned" teenagers.

Nationwide nagging average plummets
WASHINGTON, DC - A handful of highly publicized murder cases in which men are accused of killing their wives has caused a downturn in nationwide nagging, say cultural pundits.... » more

Usher's label won't record 'Confessions, Pt. 12'
HOLLYWOOD, CA - What had previously been labeled as artistic differences between R&B artist Usher and his label, La Face, has now escalated to a breakdown of negotiations concerning the artist's next record.... » more

Senior boasts about being unprepared for test
CAMPUS - University of Texas senior Paul Blakely surprised his Spanish class Friday when he announced that he had not studied at all for the exam they were about to take. Blakely's apathy frustrated the other students in class, especially those who had studied very intensely for the exam.... » more

Medicaid: irresponsibility a disease
TALLAHASSEE, FL - In the wake of Medicare's July decision to cover obesity treatments such as diet plans and stomach stapling, Medicaid announced that it has expanded coverage to include conditions related to chronic irresponsibility.... » more

Travesty Index

Bevo! He's Whats For Dinner

Marching Band Season

The Secret Lives Of White People

Trauma-Rama College Edition

Jed Armstrong

The Adventures Of Giggles The Clown

New Books by Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen


The Austin Scholar

iPain Ad


Jesus Is...

Editorial Cartoon

The Clothes Make The Man
Todd Nienkerk
An accidental rendezvous
Kristin Hillery
Managing Editor
Prelease Or Die, homeless and alone
Susan Wells
Apartment Finder
Beer Bong for m' lady?
Sir Edward Darcy
Hot Tub Gentleman
I'm finally comfortable being straight
Jake Felds
Conservative Texas Youth
I want my identity back
John Doe
Anonymously Ironic
I can't believe it; I'm finally in college!
Stephanie Wells
College Freshman

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