• 80 percent of girls on their cell phones between classes aren't talking to anyone.
• People in cabs will scoff at the burgeoning underclass of E-Bus patrons.
• Neohipsters will pay $4 for a coffee at Metro, even though they secretly just wanted a Coke and a seat at the popular table in the cafeteria.
• Alumni who bring their young kids to football games will try to convince themselves that they weren't drunken hooligans in college. No, I won't tone my language down, asshole.
• The Future Dead Pedestrians of America will be meeting at busy intersections to play right-of-way games with speeding vehicles.
• Overeager returning students will continue to like school enough for the both of you.
• Captain Clueless will attempt to charm you by turning courteous small talk into a biographical discourse about himself.
• Students who shake entire rows of seats with their furious legtapping will sit next to you during written exams.
• Will idiots ever stop answering professors' rhetorical questions out loud? No.
• University researchers have discovered a new planet, reminding all of us that they have a really expensive telescope.
• Student organizations will increase their efforts to get our attention, not realizing that they turned us off by coming on too strong to begin with. Back off, Rugby - I'm proud to be an American.
• Presidential candidates' brothers will be disappointed when no one recognizes them on the West Mall.
• People running to class look funny and deserve to be laughed at.
• The 40 Acres Buses will be renamed "40-Thousand Acres." If they weren't traveling 40,000 acres, why else would they take so goddamn long and travel caravan-style?
• Someone at a Union lunch table will use the word "hegemony," reminding anyone who might have forgotten that they are indeed on a college campus.
• Freshmen who walked into the wrong classroom on the first day have brought upon their families a kind of disgrace that can only be undone by harikari.
• Bevo XIII will celebrate his liberation from the crippling pain of being a football mascot by drooling on his hooves in a perpetual, Quaalude-induced haze.
• The Confederate statues on the South Mall will reanimate, sneak over to the MLK statue and commit a third act of vandalism. Security cameras will again blame it on "light-skinned" teenagers.