February 2004 (v6 i4)
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Iran decides to skip all the noise, becomes United States' bitch
TEHRAN, IRAN - In an unprecedented move Tuesday, the sovereign nation of Iran announced an end to a rhetorical battle with the United States that had been ongoing since the American-led invasion of Iraq last year. In a press conference Tuesday afternoon, President Mohammad Khatami-Ardakani, with the support of Iran's Council of Ministers, cited an awareness of the United States' military capabilities as well as an "overwhelming desire to survive" as key factors in the decision. Khatami-Ardakani also announced that Iran would agree to all of the United States' demands "no matter how demeaning or unnecessary." Issued carte blanche, U.S. State Department officials published a list of demands that includes changing the country's name to England Two, a non-stop television broadcast of Dallas, and a noogie session for Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Hoseini-Khamenei administered by actor Bill Murray. Speaking on behalf of his nation, President Khatami-Ardakani expressed disdain for what he perceives to be a "flagrant disregard" of international sovereignty. "We saw what happened to governments installed by the U.S. during the Cold War," said Khatami-Ardakani, "and we don't want to get our asses kicked to the curb. We weren't that adamant in our beliefs anyway."

Plan II freshman pretends not to brag about grade
CAMPUS - After his Plan II seminar class, freshman Kenneth Burgher used the time spent walking to the honors dorms with his fellow classmates to reaffirm his intellectual superiority. Burgher made a point to bring up the paper that had been handed back that day. "Professor Schill must've been in a really good mood to give me a grade this high," he reportedly said. "I mean, it's not like I'm that great of a student." Classmate Sarah Banks was unimpressed. "Kenneth always brings up his grade like he's not bragging," she commented, "but he totally is. I hate how he acts like he's God's gift to the universe or something." Burgher, oblivious to his peers' contempt, continued to describe his paper as "ridiculously complex" and "stylistically brilliant." Regardless, he remained confident that "everyone else probably did just as well."

» More Dirty Briefs

Onlookers watching students cross the Drag at the West Mall streetlight will be disappointed when the two opposing crowds meet in the middle of Guadalupe without engaging in hand-to-hand combat.
You will glance at your own reflection as you pass by the mirror-like UGL windows, and someone studying at the tables inside will marvel at what a vain bitch you are.
First-year sophomores will continue to answer questions like "what year are you?" with self-indulgent recitations of credit hours, not realizing that upperclassmen will shank them one way or another.
A guy in all black listening to eclectic punk music through large headphones will walk to class striving to be ambiguous but is secretly hoping someone will notice him.
A sorority girl will lower her standards but give the excuse, "Hey, it's college."
The UT sailing team will conspicuously leave sailboats around campus in hopes of luring members with promises of large masts and mind-blowing regattas.
• A recent study shows 20% of teens get their news from satire, 75% of schoolchildren don't exercise regularly, and 110% of the UT football team couldn't beat Washington State.
Professors who need to work on their time-management skills will continue to lecture after the bell rings.
Hypersensitive people will be offended.
Piles of trash that have been accumulating on campus will come to life, realize that all trash cans are already full, and be mistreated by the piles of garbage that are in cans.
That guy who always tries to find the next big thing in music but is always wrong continues to listen to new, sub-par underground acts while feigning enjoyment.
Big asses are back in style - or at least that's what women seem to think.
Foreign language lab administrators are taking themselves way too seriously.
Girls are making their boyfriends uncomfortable when they point out cute babies. And vice versa.
Creeps and perverts are everywhere, and it's a shame we can't expose ourselves.
New hot dog stands will peddle watered-down "gourmet" pork byproducts for ridiculously high prices.
Female students will wake up two hours early, shower, fix their hair, put on makeup, and then attend class in their pajamas.
Selfish pricks will try to sneak a piece of gum when no one is looking so they won't have to share.
The Society for Forgotten Bands will be sponsoring a lecture by the lead singer of Lifehouse at UTC 2.100 on Wednesday at 8pm.
I hope you’re enjoying my stuff
Todd Nienkerk
Now that I’m in charge, things are going to change
Kristin Hillery
Managing Editor
Please don’t pack up early
Dr. Bateman
Bush’s moon plan is a step in the right direction
Barbara Pickles
Real Estate Agent
I’m so holesick
Saddam Hussein
Deposed dictator
I’m only funny because I’m a dick
Travesty Writer
Total Jerk
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Some guy runs for 'Travesty' editor
CAMPUS - The sweaty, feverish debate over editor candidacy reached a gratifying climax last Thursday when the Texas Student Publications board voted 6-to-5 to certify Ryan Fullerton, just some guy, as a candidate for editor of the Texas Travesty, the University's student humor publication. Two highly qualified and well-respected Travesty staff members were also certified.... » more

Student who isn't you named Rhodes Scholar
AUSTIN - A UT student who isn't you has been awarded one of this year's coveted Rhodes Scholarships to study at Oxford University, the Office of Public Affairs announced Tuesday.... » more

Women exploring knitting, cooking, subordination
CAMPUS - The women's movement, having rarely been considered a dominant force in modern society, is now experiencing a resurgence as local women explore their roles and opportunities as females. Young women around Austin have recently been seen taking part in trends dating back to before the Women's Liberation of the 1950s, such as knitting, flower arranging, and making sure that dinner is on the table by six.... » more

Circuit party not what EE student had in mind
AUSTIN - Electrical engineering sophomore Raymond Moloney was stunned Saturday night to learn that a social event described by a flier as a "circuit party" had nothing to do with electrical engineering at all.... » more

Movie hero lucks out with comic relief henchmen
HOLLYWOOD - Spirits ran high this evening after Johnny Allstar, the fumbling IRS floor manager turned keen FBI agent, duped two overweight, leather-clad bald men guarding the home of Allstar's arch-nemesis, Rupert Nightsky. Allstar claims to have detected the low caliber of his adversaries immediately upon his arrival.... » more

Freshman dumps girlfriend on away message
CAMPUS - The two month relationship between UT freshman Kyle Menafe and high school junior Tammy Hayden ended today when Menafe, before leaving to go to his Introduction to Psychology class, put up an away message that read, "look, tammy, it's over." Hayden, who attends Jefferson High School, did not read the message until a few hours later when she returned home from school.... » more

Class clown struggles with insecurity
SAN DIEGO - Park Village Middle School class clown Jeff Shellhammer had a breakdown during his science class early this week in the middle of doing an impression of his teacher, Mr. Wangberg. Shellhammer's quivering bottom lip and teary eyes caused his classmates to laugh even harder than usual, unaware of the seriousness of the moment.... » more

Prospect of pancake breakfast excites elderly woman
ASHVILLE, N.C. - During a routine checkup at her local clinical laboratory, eighty-six-year-old grandmother Daisy Nunez was audibly excited at the prospect of ordering a hearty breakfast at a local IHOP.... » more

Wishbone to take on more 'adult' roles
HOLLYWOOD - Wishbone, the loveable Jack Russell terrier responsible for bringing such novels as Treasure Island and The Tempest to life, announced a drastic career change that shocked hundreds of devoted fans at a press conference last Tuesday.... » more

Woman hottest, only female in comic book store
DAYTON, OH - Sherri McMillan had a startling realization last week in Superhero Stop, a local comic book store. Following a few minutes of browsing, McMillan realized that she was the only, and consequently the hottest, female in the shop.... » more

Giant asteroid to eventually impact Earth
WASHINGTON, DC - Tom Ridge announced Wednesday that the Department of Homeland Security has raised the terror alert system from "Elevated" yellow to "Severe" red, citing evidence that an impending asteroid could cause cataclysmic damage to America and its interests abroad. The move marks the first time the terror level has ben elevated since last December, when America was placed on a higher alert as a result of the holiday season.... » more

Capital Metro implements glass-bottom buses
AUSTIN - Capital Metro, taking a controversial step in mass transit innovation in order to increase ridership, has unveiled its new line of glass-bottom buses. The buses will eventually phase out the company's earlier Huge Red and Blue, Square Green and Blue, and Sterile Space Odyssey models.... » more

Super Tuesday 'not that great'
WASHINGTON - A recent Gallup Poll found that most voters feel that Super Tuesday, despite its name, "feels just like any other Tuesday." The nationwide poll found that 45% of people surveyed think the title is "highly misleading," while 27% think it is "just pointless." This is the first such poll conducted regarding Super Tuesday, the name of the first Tuesday of March preceding a presidential election in which eleven states hold primaries.... » more

Drag to become Thai and thrift store megaplex
AUSTIN - Economic experts are predicting that if current trends continue, the Drag — the area of Guadalupe Street between MLK and 29th — will become a gigantic Thai restaurant/thrift store megaplex by the year 2005. This prediction is based on the observation that, while many businesses flounder on the Drag, Thai restaurants and vintage stores are tremendously successful. Indeed, they currently comprise 27% of the Drag's real estate.... » more

State institutes 24-hour wait for lobotomy seekers
AUSTIN - Starting March 1st, schizophrenics seeking lobotomies in the state of Texas will be required by law to wait 24 hours before undergoing the procedure.... » more

Power struggle at local 7-11
AUSTIN - Dwayne McAllister, assistant night manager of a 7-11 convenience store, was arrested last night and charged with lewd behavior, public intoxication, and theft. Police were called to the scene by part-time employee Matt Coleman.... » more
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