• Onlookers watching students cross the Drag at the West Mall streetlight will be disappointed when the two opposing crowds meet in the middle of Guadalupe without engaging in hand-to-hand combat.
• You will glance at your own reflection as you pass by the mirror-like UGL windows, and someone studying at the tables inside will marvel at what a vain bitch you are.
• First-year sophomores will continue to answer questions like "what year are you?" with self-indulgent recitations of credit hours, not realizing that upperclassmen will shank them one way or another.
• A guy in all black listening to eclectic punk music through large headphones will walk to class striving to be ambiguous but is secretly hoping someone will notice him.
• A sorority girl will lower her standards but give the excuse, "Hey, it's college."
• The UT sailing team will conspicuously leave sailboats around campus in hopes of luring members with promises of large masts and mind-blowing regattas.
• A recent study shows 20% of teens get their news from satire, 75% of schoolchildren don't exercise regularly, and 110% of the UT football team couldn't beat Washington State.
• Professors who need to work on their time-management skills will continue to lecture after the bell rings.
• Hypersensitive people will be offended.
• Piles of trash that have been accumulating on campus will come to life, realize that all trash cans are already full, and be mistreated by the piles of garbage that are in cans.
• That guy who always tries to find the next big thing in music but is always wrong continues to listen to new, sub-par underground acts while feigning enjoyment.
• Big asses are back in style - or at least that's what women seem to think.
• Foreign language lab administrators are taking themselves way too seriously.
• Girls are making their boyfriends uncomfortable when they point out cute babies. And vice versa.
• Creeps and perverts are everywhere, and it's a shame we can't expose ourselves.
• New hot dog stands will peddle watered-down "gourmet" pork byproducts for ridiculously high prices.
• Female students will wake up two hours early, shower, fix their hair, put on makeup, and then attend class in their pajamas.
• Selfish pricks will try to sneak a piece of gum when no one is looking so they won't have to share.
• The Society for Forgotten Bands will be sponsoring a lecture by the lead singer of Lifehouse at UTC 2.100 on Wednesday at 8pm.