April/May 2003 (v5 i6)
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Local housewife can't imagine why Iraqis don't want power vacuum
WESTLAKE - Watching a news report of the Iraqi liberation, area housewife Joanne Cork failed to understand why citizens of the Middle Eastern country complained about the power vacuum left after the overthrow of Saddam Hussein's regime. "Do you know the cost of high-powered vacuums these days? I saw one in a Sears catalog for $100! If some invading army left one in my backyard, you'd bet your sweet caboose I'd take advantage of it," Cork said. Her exasperation was inspired by CNN footage headlined "Power Vacuum," in which an Iraqi man angrily objected to conditions in Baghdad after coalition forces rolled through the city. "Of course he's going to complain about a vacuum. Look at his hygiene! They should have left a Swiffer Sweeper with those ungrateful desert rats and given the power vacuum to me."

Emo kid discovers "super awesome" band, keeps secret
COLUMBIA, MO - Last Saturday, the world of punk, indy, and Emo music was set on its heels as Chris Hires, a photo-journalism student at the University of Missouri discovered a "really deep" new Emo artist but refused to share the discovery with his friends. "There is no way I'm gonna tell my friends about this new band," Hires said. "Back in tenth grade I was totally the first person to be into 'Saves the Day' and 'Dashboard,' and now look how popular and shitty they are. I'm not gonna let that happen again." Hires' friends are reportedly very distressed about this breech of standard Emo manners. "This is total bullshit," friend Kellyn McLean said. "I mean, the other day Chris couldn't find a good wristband to match his little brother's t-shirt, and I totally bailed him out. Ever since his dad gave him that '83 Volvo, he thinks he's such the shit."

Norah Jones sweeps Grammies, Oscars, Ebony Awards, "Cutest Baby of Miami-Dade County" contest
MIAMI, FL - Continuing a winning streak that appears to have no end, popular singer Norah Jones took top honors in the "Cutest Baby of Miami-Dade County" beauty contest last week. The accolade is the latest in a long line of awards that the piano-playing songstress has recently garnered, including several Grammies, American Music Awards, Ebony Awards, Nobel prizes in Peace and Physics, and a "Most Appealing Entry Luxury Car" title from J.D. Power and Associates. "It's all so overwhelming. I'm thrilled that the judges were kind enough to consider me for this honor," said the unassuming singer, whose hit single "Don't Know Why" catapulted her to stardom. "I'd also like to take this opportunity to re-thank the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for naming me 'Best Supporting Actor' at this year's Oscars, even though I am not a male and did not act in any movie that was released in the past 12 months. Or ever, for that matter. And before I forget, I'd also like to thank Satan, without whom none of this would be possible."

» More Dirty Briefs

• People who are better than you will be playing Free Cell and trading stock tips with Belorussian fishermen while taking notes on their laptops during class, pausing only to snicker at your primitive pen and paper.
• Students walking by the South Mall will stop and exclaim, "Holy shit, is that grass?"
• Students Who Refer to Dave Matthews as "Dave" will be in various places in Jester Center, wearing hemp shell necklaces, Doc Marten sandals and continuing to suck.
• Girls who drive Eclipses are easy, and-for the most part-disease-free.
• Lust, though to a radiant angel link'd, will sate itself in a celestial bed and prey on garbage.
• Los Comedic Geniuses will make hilarious, crowd-pleasing references to "cerveza" and "mota" in first-year Spanish classes.
• Morons will continue to wear beanies despite the increasingly warm weather.
• The Association of White Male Students Ages 18 to 24 will meet everywhere on campus at all times.
• Members of Ravers on Campus will eat beans and roll mad face all day on the South Mall.
• The Society of Oblivious Pedestrians will continue to walk on the left side of the sidewalk and will inevitably disrupt the flow of foot traffic.
• Clueless bitches in cheerleading shorts will be answering their cell phones and carrying on conversations in the back of your massive survey class, rudely disrupting your afternoon nap.
• Peer Advisors will say things like, "Oh jeez," "Oh, really?" and "Damn, I'm sorry."
• Students on campus who listen to rap music will never shoot a 'gat,' jock a 'ho, or call a one-eight-seven on a motherfuckin' cop.
• Gnomes in the PCL have either played with their own balls or someone else's, and they haven't washed their hands. Now they're touching the books you're about to check out.
• People with giant lift kits on their Jeep Grand Cherokees will continue to look really stupid any time they drive their cars anywhere.
• Frantic Seniors will be coupling wildly with their respective senors or senoritas late at night in various UT buildings so that they don't graduate without a stereotypical "wild college days" sex experience.
• Brothers Under Christ and various race-based student groups will be standing around harassing people on campus, trying to convince passersby that parties advertised on the West Mall are cool.

Cuba Gooding Jr. to finally sink career
HOLLYWOOD, CA - In an apparent campaign to further bring about the downfall of his film career, Academy Award-winning actor Cuba Gooding Jr. has signed on to play the title character in the sequel to the 1980s sci-fi comedy Howard the Duck.... » more

Lady Longhorns finally getting press
AUSTIN - The Lady Longhorns basketball team recently concluded an exceptional season highlighted with their own thrilling brand of moderately paced action and top-notch sportsmanship. Though their luck fell short in the Final Four, wild and wooly, down-to-the-wire games resulting in scores as close as 49-44 attracted remarkably large crowds that occasionally occupied even the balcony level of the Frank Erwin Center.... » more

UTPD to employ terrifying new beasts
CAMPUS - Facing the dilemma of a massive state budget deficit, a faltering economy, and an overwhelming desire to create something implausibly bitchin', the UT Police Department has contracted with GenWorx-an Austin bio-tech firm-to spawn a new species of horse/dog abominations. The nefariously genius scheme saves taxpayer dollars in the canine and equine departments of UTPD, as well as being, in the words of one officer, "cool as shit...." » more

Everyone makes 'best' mix CDs
AUSTIN, TX - Recent anecdotal evidence has revealed that every person in the college CD burning community is incomparable in skill when it comes to amalgamating and arranging prudently selected songs onto a 74- to 80-minute compact disc. Though this phenomenon perplexes some, it has nevertheless yielded monumental mix CDs lauded by their creators as "the absolute coolest" and "the best ever...." » more

Director gets own speed limit
LOS ANGELES, CA - When a filmmaker puts out a highly acclaimed blockbuster with an ending that twists all but your nipples, America gasps gaily in unison. When that same filmmaker puts out a movie the next year with a style just similar enough that the people will expect it to be as good as the previous one, America will mostly object in haughtiness. And when that filmmaker puts out Signs, poor Americans have mixed feelings.... » more

New game encourages kiddie mischief
Responding to protests from parents and others concerned with the scenarios in the popular Playstation 2 game Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, Rockstar Games has released a related game designed for younger players. Petty Theft: Delinquent Suburbia has received a Kids (K) rating because it involves criminal situations more suitable for seven- to twelve-year-olds.... » more

Union secedes from the university
AUSTIN - Yesterday, the management, work staff, and frequenters of the Union decided that they were fed up with the way the University of Texas was being run and opted to secede, forming the Texas Union Republic.... » more

'Freedom fries' renamed again
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a brief moment of frankness, both Houses of Congress passed a motion that re-renamed a food item on the Capitol's cafeteria menu, changing it from "freedom fries" to "freedom (for all non-Arab Americans) fries...." » more

Bored UT Cycling Club converts to unmanned crashing
CAMPUS - Weary of monotonous pedaling, the UT Cycling Club recently decided to switch their focus from long distance riding to running alongside their cycles to gain forward momentum before letting them loose to coast and careen into stationary objects. The club has found this activity to be much more worthwhile because of the minimal muscular effort involved and the fact that it is "fucking hilarious...." » more


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