March 2003 (v5 i5)
A sock on the doorknob since 1997
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Thrilled Ninth-Grader Goes Up Popular Girl's Shirt
ALLEN, TX - J.T. Winti, a student at Lowery Junior High, recently took part in what he reports as "the coolest thing in the freakin' world" when his hands explored the sacred region beneath Lowery volleyball setter Lisa Travis' T-shirt. "I was really surprised," said Winti. "I mean, I'm on the football team, but Coach never plays me or anything. I just didn't think I was the type of guy she wanted touching her boobs. They were awesome, though." Both Winti and Travis have expressed some interest in another physical encounter at an upcoming pool party. "My friends are telling me I should french her, but, I don't know, I'm still into the boobs and that seems like something that should wait for homecoming."

Man Finds G-Spot Underneath Couch Cushion
BOULDER, CO - While frantically looking for change to cover the cost of a pizza, Gene Mangers stumbled upon a hidden treasure that was lodged between the cushions in his living room sofa. "I lifted up the first cushion, and there was a nickel and a Dorito. I was pretty excited until I lifted up the next cushion and found the G-spot," Mangers said as his girlfriend bit her lip and nodded, cheeks flushed. "This is awesome. I've been looking for this thing for, like, two months."

» More Dirty Briefs

• UT Activists For the Fuck of It will be holding a protest to moisturize the East African elephants whenever and wherever The Man doesn't want them to.
• Attention Ladies! Guys who wear sleeveless sweater vests without undershirts will not be taking 'no' for an answer at keg parties off of Riverside.
• You are something special!
• Guys in crappy local bands will be littering campus with flyers under the assumption that people love paying money to see bands they've never heard of perform Phish covers in a cheesy bar.
• Members of SG campaign parties will find themselves with absolutely nothing to do now that they no longer get to be everywhere you go, constantly annoying you.
• Someone, somewhere on campus, will inevitably make a racist comment or do something deemed to be racist to contribute to UT's dwindling reputation as a diverse university.
• The Be Loud, Stay Late, Wear Orange Club will continue to write letters to the government in hope of changing "Orange Alert" to "Burnt Orange Alert."
• Campus Drunks will walk around the Six Pack wondering where all the booze is.
• Dogs Owned by Drag Rats will stare blankly at the sky, wishing they had some Kibbles 'n Bits.
• Girls Wearing Thongs at Parties will realize their night's goal as the opening strains of Sisqo's "The Thong Song" echo loudly in their empty skulls.
• Sociology majors will graduate forty minutes after enrolling in UT, allowing them to more quickly enter the jobless market.
• The League of SG Losers will mope around, muttering, "Yeah, fine. I'm glad we didn't win. I'm glad."
• Crazed homicidal maniacs will refuse to dismount their bicycles on Speedway, resulting in the end of the entire fucking world.
There's nothing like something that's random and dumb
Trevor Rosen
The return of the chili bowl
Todd Nienkerk
Managing Editor
My body cast isn't the only thing that's stiff!
Grover Manheim
Syndicated Columnist
King of Sports strikes again!
Ian Skoviss
Dorkiest Kid in the Seventh Grade
I'm not actually that much fun
A Frat Party
Contributing Writer
Who would Jesus bomb?
Rob Curran
Contributing Writer
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Honors dorms to be integrated
CAMPUS - UT officials have announced plans to integrate the honors dormitories, citing university initiatives aimed at strengthening diversity. "We feel that it's necessary to foster diversity, equality, and above all, a politically correct image for the University of Texas," stated President Larry Faulkner. "Academically outstanding students will benefit from increased exposure to their dumb-ass peers, and vice-versa...." » more

Appendix rights group installs graphic billboard display
AUSTIN, TX - Yesterday, a student-affiliated group called Jubilee For Appendi put up 60-foot graphic billboards on the East Mall, generating widespread controversy. The color-enhanced photos of recently removed appendixes and appendices (the two grammatically correct plurals of the word) were seen by some as inappropriate for the university setting, while others objected to the obstruction of Speedway with electric razor-wire and roving packs of attack dogs in order to "protect the free speech of Jubilee For Appendi...." » more

Eccentric student's backpack speaks at anti-war rally
CAMPUS - English junior Janice Greltsch's elaborately adorned backpack succeeded in sharing a humanitarian vision with thousands of observers at a publicly held anti-war rally early last month. The backpack, an exclaimed supporter of pacifism as well as school supplies, was able to effectively extend its olive branch to the masses by the sole means of potently clever buttons and other peacemongering décor.... » more

Michelle Branch, Lieberman, color beige form Triumvirate of Bland
DOVER, DE - In a move sure to incite yawns and blas shrugs, teenage pop singer Michelle Branch, U.S. senator Joseph Lieberman, and the color beige have joined forces to form a Triumvirate of Bland, promoting comforting leadership, singing and songwriting, and minimalist home décor.... » more

Bush to call off war
WASHINGTON, DC - A monarch butterfly caught in a spider web in the White House garden convinced President George W. Bush to call off the impending war with Iraq Thursday morning. Shocked by the sight of a beautiful, innocent creature trapped by a black widow spider, Bush stopped and stared for over three hours as he rethought plans to take action against Iraq, missing numerous meetings and his noon pilates class. Tears streamed down the President's face with each tired flap of the butterfly's exhausted wings.... » more

Bursar's office clerk lifts student bar
AUSTIN, TX - After an eight-hour shift at the Bursar's office in the Main Building, where she deals with students hoping to pay tuition fees and library fines, 36-year-old clerk Anna Bolick lifted a student bar in downtown Austin last night.... » more

SWT student born at 4:20 mentions it frequently
SAN MARCOS, TX - Part-time Southwest Texas student Anthony Johnson, who was born August 22 at 4:20 pm, makes frequent mention of his serendipitous birth. According to friends and acquaintances, Johnson expresses an enthusiastic pride in the fact that the time of his birth is the same that avid marijuana smokers have designated as the universal time to partake in the illegal activity.... » more

Aguilera's vagina tops Amazon rainforest
LOS ANGELES, CA - After a groundbreaking observational study of Christina Aguilera's latest music video, "Dirrty," researchers at the Center for Disease Control and UCLA's microbiology department have announced that the pop star's groin region qualifies as the world's most biologically diverse ecological system, a title previously held by the Amazon rainforest.... » more

Consumers find Dodge 'Truck Month' perpetual
HOUSTON, TX - The title of Dodge Motors' heavily advertised sales extravaganza "Dodge Truck Month" has been deemed an understatement by 95 percent of mathematicians and 100 percent of calendars. Though the word "month," as used in the English language, typically indicates a period of time varying between 28 and 31 days, Truck Month's "incredible, red hot deals" seem to be advertised year-round, causing confusion and irritation among many consumers.... » more

Local iPod sick of playing Avril Lavigne
CAMPUS - A local iPod declared on Sunday that it was "absolutely sick" of always having to play Avril Lavigne. "Every time my owner puts on my headphones, it's that freaking 'Complicated' song," stated the iPod in exasperation to a sympathetic USB scanner.... » more

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