October 2006 (v9 i2)
Wetting Our Pants Since 1997
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Suspected blast raises tensions, fear in area household
Sanctions threatened after alleged test-run
by Kelsey Lamb, Staff Writer

This image was taken straight
from the experimental
student film entitled, Sorrow:
the Story of my Life.
SAN FRANCISCO — Tensions mounted in a suburban household Monday evening when James Fromkin, a seismology professor at San Francisco State University, claimed his seismology equipment recorded vibrations emanating from his twelve-year-old son’s bedroom, located directly above the dining room.

“I had just finished a spirited discussion with my son, Peter, about the evils of pornography when he suspiciously scuttled upstairs,” said an anxious Fromkin. “I’m afraid Peter may be harboring pornography in his bedroom.”

Fromkin, an outspoken opponent of pornography, recently founded the activist group 4-P, Parents Postponing the Proliferation of Pornography. Fromkin’s impassioned discourses against pornography have made him the suburban poster-boy of the San Francisco anti-pornography movement.

“Initial results from the seismograph indicate Peter did produce a blast,” explained Fromkin, as the dining room chandelier gently swayed above his head. “My primary concern is that Peter may still have unknown stockpiles ready to be deployed.”

Peter’s mother, Judy Fromkin, was more pragmatic in her approach to the vibrations.

“Clearly we cannot jump to any conclusions here,” stressed Mrs. Fromkin. “We need to make sure that Peter was actually testing what he was testing. I have made it very clear to Peter that he is not to keep or use any pornography to stimulate himself. If we discover Peter was developing pornography, it would be in complete disregard to preexisting expectations.”

Although the seismograph has not produced any conclusive evidence for the source of the mysterious vibrations, both parents are weary of Peter acquiring and using new types of pornography.

“James plans to inspect Peter’s room to determine if the vibrations left any physical evidence,” explained Mrs. Fromkin. “At this stage in Peter’s development, it’s good to ask the question of whether or not he is truly capable of creating a full scale eruption.”

Fromkin added: “It’s tricky to differentiate between a successful operation and a mere attempt; but I plan to rummage through some trashcans and drawers. If my research finds anything conclusive on his Power Rangers Underoos, there will be some tough sanctions on Peter’s social life.”

Peter’s parents continue to debate whether or not to approach Peter unilaterally or in multi-party talks. Fromkin does not want his wife to approach Peter alone, fearing the consequences of her inability to relate to Peter could instigate more “blasts.”

When asked to explain the vibrations, Peter inquired: “If I’m not allowed to make vibrations, how come they can every Friday after I go to bed?”
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