October 2006 (v9 i2)
Wetting Our Pants Since 1997
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Participation grade facilitates classroom discussion, justifies annoying girl’s existence
by Sara Kanewske & Veronica Hansen, Associate Editor & Photo Editor

Later the professor taught them via 19th
century poetry that life’s about standing on
top of a desk after your handsome classmate
kills himself.
CAMPUS — According to students in Sociology of Love and Relationships, psychology junior Catherine Patterson is annoying. Classmates report Patterson spent 27 minutes of class time Wednesday in a one-on-one discussion with Professor Arnold Kentworth about her emotionally unstable ex-boyfriend.

Although Patterson’s class participation fuels the discussion section, her classmates have become perturbed by her endless personal queries and anecdotes.

“She’s constantly rephrasing what the professor said to explain her ex-boyfriend’s erratic behavior,” bemoaned sophomore Brad Lidel. “And when taking notes she constantly mumbles ‘yes’ or ‘exactly’ while nodding. It’s so annoying.”

Despite her recent return from teaching disadvantaged children abroad, Patterson’s classmates have failed to appreciate her on-the-ground experience.

“She’s always talking about counseling orphans in Guatemala,” complained senior Raphaela Morton. “Guatemala this, Guatemala that — she needs to learn when to stop talking!”

Patterson’s front-and-center seat degrades her reputation amongst her classmates even further. Recently, Patterson’s high visibility has encouraged classmates to critique her fashion sense.

“If I have to hear that Isaac Mizrahi-bag-toting moron politely guffaw at the professor’s jokes one more time, I’m going to personally slaughter every Guatemalan orphan she ever ministered to,” seethed junior Johanna Greenburg. “I’ll never get participation points with that attention whore blabbing all the time.”

Despite classmates’ general disdain for Patterson, lifelong friendships have developed over a mutual dislike for her.

“I thought I was alone in hating her, until I saw Julia sketching Catherine being run over by a Guatemalan street vendor,” said sophomore Meredith Smith. “Now we have weekly luncheons in the Union to criticize what Catherine was wearing that day.”

Patterson’s classmates have also contemplated overthrowing her domination of class discourse.

“My buddy and I were going take one for the team by taking her seat in the front row,” claimed senior Chris Slate. “But then we realized we would actually have to arrive on time and participate.”

After realizing the public service Patterson provides, some students began to change their opinion of “that Jersey-shore dyke.” One student even expressed a veiled appreciation for Patterson’s monopoly of class participation.

“I actually didn’t mind it when she awkwardly cried for the unloved heathen orphans in class because we didn’t have time for a pop quiz,” admitted Greenburg.

In spite of classmates’ attempts to ignore Patterson’s eccentricities, she manages to impact the class even on the rare occasions she’s absent.

“It was sorta weird when Catherine missed class last Friday,” said Lidel. “I guess I never realized how boring class was without someone to hate.”

While Professor Kentworth appreciates how Patterson’s Pterodactyl-esque voice awakens his students, he rarely finds her stories in any way relevant to the class discussion.

“The 20 percent participation grade is meant to encourage thoughtful analysis of the course material,” explained Kentworth. “So I certainly never expected to hear about how many times Catherine’s boyfriend cried after sex.”
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