October 2006 (v9 i2)
Wetting Our Pants Since 1997
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Iím not a drug dealer
by Doug ďThe DrugĒ OíMalley, Drug Dealer

Now look guys, thereís this nasty rumor going around campus that Iím a drug dealer, which is nothing but a lie—a bold-faced, slanderous lie! I am not a drug dealer—I simply sell small quantities of pot for slight profit to my closest friends. There are multiple reasons why this label is wildly incorrect, and I just want to make sure everyone understands that what Iím doing is nothing more than being a nice guy and sharing the wealth.

First and foremost, letís face the facts: marijuana is NOT a drug, regardless of what the ďgovernmentĒ and the ďpoliceĒ have to say about it. I mean, come on— itís 2006! In case everyone has forgotten, we live in Austin, the weediest city in the whole wide world of weed. The stuff is practically coming out of the faucets here, so if anything, Iím only gathering what I can and sharing the surplus with friends.

Oh hey, Josh. Yeah, I got a good deal on some new stuff, hang on a sec and Iíll come smoke a bowl. Sure, $50 is totally enough. No problem, buddy.

Donít you guys understand what a ďdrug dealerĒ is? Well youíre obviously confused, so let me fill you in: drug dealers are sleazy, pager-toting Pablo Escobar-esque Colombians who live in giant mansions in tropical locales and drive Escalades. They have an army of similarly sleazy goons who kill people without blinking an eye and smuggle drugs across the border in their orifices. Now maybe you guys are trying to flatter me, but Iím pretty sure my garage apartment in West Campus is no mansion, and I know my í97 Kia Rio looks nothing like an Escalade!

Whatís up dude? Chris? Oh thatís right, youíre Jasonís friend. Just an eighth today? Alright, cool. Let me know when you get paid so I can get you that ounce.

Drug dealers also sell all kinds of really awful things like heroin and cocaine and Guatemalan children. I hope you guys know that I would never, ever touch that stuff—itís all-natural or nothing for me. That manufactured shit will totally mess your life up, like whoa.

And another thing — drug dealers donít have jobs; their job is selling drugs! In case you guys forgot, I work at Thundercloud Subs for my humble income. Yeah, I get a little extra cash from hooking my friends up, but I just use that for little things like cigarettes and iPod accessories and the Dolby surround system I just set up in my living room. I mean come on. I just like chilling with my boys and maybe smoking a couple of Jís. The man canít arrest me for having a good time!

Hey, do I know you? James who? Oh, you heard about me from your friend Pete? I donít think I know a Pete. Nope, not ringing a bell. Well, hey man, he sounds like a cool guy, so any friend of Peteís is a friend of mine. Of course dude, I just got a hold of some Afghanistank. Go hang with Josh and Chris over there for a minute while I grab my grinder.
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