My Bush jokes are killing
I donít know if you guys watch the news.
You maíam? You watch the news?
But wow, this situation in Iraq is seriously out of hand. Itís true, I may use a lot of political humor, but thatís only because my George Bush jokes are slaughtering people on a nightly basis, almost like Bush himself. Am I right?
Is this thing on? Oh címon people, you gotta pull your head out. I do this for a living, you know. Support local comedy. You gotta support local comedy. Because, you know, look at us, weíre not exactly that upper one-percent. Iím wearing the same clothes that didnít get me laid last night, you know what Iím saying? Give us comics a break, okay? Because you know Bush wonít. BAM!
Thatís a tax joke, donít worry about it. OK, I kid a lot. Like I said, itís my job. But let me get serious for a minute. A lot of times after my shows, people ask why Iím so hard on the president. And I correct them saying, ďMaíam, youíre wrong, I do not have a single joke about the president in my act, because how can you when George W. isnít even our president. We didnít elect him TWICE!Ē
Woo, Ouch! Tough crowd, huh? Is Dick Cheney in the back over there? Excuse me, miss, right here in the front, youíre looking very nice. What do you do? Youíre a teacher? Wow, thatís noble. I couldnít do that. Wanna know why? Because Bush is an idiot!!! And somebody needs to make fun of him.
But seriously gang, letís talk about education for a minute. They were talking about the No Child Left Behind Act on the news last night, and I thought, ďNo child left behind, more like no wealthy oil tycoon left behind!Ē
That got a couple of laughs! Almost the same amount of laughs that George W. Bush got when he claimed we were winning the war in Iraq! WHOA!
Uh-oh, letís hope Donald Rumsfeld isnít the bartender tonight! Please donít bug my phones Mr. Rumsfeld! The only thing youíll hear is my mother giving me guff about still being single!
Oh man, oh man. What else? OK, so maybe I should lay off the heavy satire, because really Bush isnít that bad. Perfect story: So I was with this woman the other night. Things were going well, Iíd say. About to show her my ĎShock and Awe,í if you will.
So, weíre going at it, and she doesnít seem to be enjoying herself, and Iím like, ďWhatís wrong?Ē And she goes, ďI think Iím on my period.Ē
EWWW. Oh my God, I know!
But I finished, and it just goes to show that Bush and I arenít so different. Because even when things are a bloody mess, I still donít pull out. Thank you, thatís my time.
Iíve got to go home and search for those WMDs. You have been a great crowd. Thank you. Good night.