October 2006 (v9 i2)
Wetting Our Pants Since 1997
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Black lab cute at first
DENVER — Mary Derden, recent owner of an American Kennel Association-approved black lab, was shocked to find that her new puppy was not well behaved last Monday.

“I was willing to pay big bucks for this dog because I thought it would be the cream of the crop,” stated Derden as she cleaned up the remains of her grandmother’s priceless antique vase. “They always look so good in the Abercrombie ads and on the Ducks Unlimited t-shirts.”

Derden cited numerous instances why she was disappointed with the dog’s behavior including: its failure to retrieve dead birds on hunting trips, its tendency to chew on her shoes and its affinity to defecate on her pillow.

“The dog just looked so precious in the kennel with its little brothers and sisters, so I assumed it would be well-behaved,” remarked Derden. “But now I have just about had it with this damn dog. It won’t even fly through the air and catch a frisbee.”

Joseph Hertz, the puppy’s previous owner, was offended by Derden’s ignorance. “If she wanted a smart or docile dog, labradors aren’t a good choice. People like her should try a cat or something.”

Spring schedule to be set around beer pong tournaments
CAMPUS — With spring registration right around the corner, senior Blake Meadows is taking extra care to get the schedule he believes he deserves. “This is my last semester, man!” exclaimed Meadows. “No way am I taking any classes on Fridays, or before 11 or after 3. And I can’t have anything until at least 2 on Wednesdays, cause every Tuesday night I know I’ll be at Cains!”

Despite having three hours open between rounds of flip cup, Meadows still has difficulty registering for 12 hours.

“I don’t even have three hours on most days. I mean, technically I could take a class from 12-2, but then how would I have time to drive to Hula Hut to meet my girlfriend for lunch?” inquired Meadows. “And why do they always hold interesting classes like History of Rock and Roll, or scuba diving in the morning? Assholes.”

Although Meadows refuses to see an advisor to help him complete his degree requirements, his roommate, Justin Lonsley, sees little cause for concern.

“I’m just so sick of hearing Blake bitch about his schedule,” complained Lonsley. “What does he care what days and times he gets? He only bothers to show up for the final anyway.”

Student frets over making ‘A’ in guitar class
CAMPUS — Introduction to Guitar student Brad Faleyer recently mentioned to friends that he is worried about his grades. “When I started the semester, I was sure I’d have the upper hand,” said Faleyer. “But recently my grasp on the material has started slipping.”

Faleyer also noted that he was surprised at the difficulty of the course, since he hand picked it out of a list of possible electives. “I’ve always been interested in music, in fact at one point I considered taking it on as a minor,” added Faleyer. Recent downbeats, however, have him singing the blues. “First there was buzz going around that there would be a curve. I figured the teacher would bend the rules a little,” lamented Faleyer. “But now he’s bringing the hammer-on, and it’s too late to pull-off my schedule.” On a higher note, Faleyer admits he is beginning to master the material.

“My new abilities really struck a chord with these drunk girls in my apartment complex,” he beamed. “We were necking for hours, and my fingers ran all up and down her body.” Unfortunately an upcoming exam has Faleyer biting his nails. “If I can’t make an ‘A’ on this one, it’s going to be bad news. I’ll try to keep my fingers crossed.”

Episode of Family Guy painstakingly recounted
OLIVE GARDEN — Jordan Phillips and Ryan Werner, desperately seeking meaningful conversation during a double date with their girlfriends, resorted to recounting an episode of Family Guy.

“Usually they keep things pretty lively with their Will Ferrell jokes or Chapelle references, but tonight was a whole new level of boring,” complained Werner’s girlfriend Susan Muirhead. “If I hear one more situation involving that baby trying to kill his mother, I am going to lose it. It makes me want to cheat on him.”

Phillips, however, didn’t understand her complaints.

“I mean, they practically try to emulate Sex in the City, so why can’t we just talk about Family Guy? You know? Speaking of Sex in the City, did you see that one episode of Family Guy where Quagmire had a bar in his basement? It was so funny. Heh, heh, alllriiiiight.”

Guy nice once you get to know him
CAMPUS — Troublemaker Nick Durber, known for his abrasively opinionated comments and obnoxious drunken behavior is actually a nice person once you get to know him.

“I have known Nick for a long time, and at first, he’d always offend me with his sexist and semi-racist comments, but now I see that he really is a great guy,” explained Durber’s best friend, Linda Futter, as she wiped dried vomit from her shoes. “Oh, this is nothing, Nick just had a bit too much to drink last night.”

Despite Futter’s glowing review, others have been persuaded differently: “There is no way that Nick is nice,” retorted ex-fraternity brother Paul Studen. “We had to kick him out because he offended so many people at our events. He didn’t even apologize for making out with my girlfriend and my sister in the same night.”

Durber, however, sees things otherwise: “Yeah I’m not afraid to express my opinions, big deal! What? People are too sensitive to handle my comments, so they just get upset. Dude, are you pregnant? You look fat — and gay.”

Native speaker takes Spanish class, excels
CAMPUS — Guillermo Gonzalez, a UT student who grew up in a bilingual household, enrolled in an upper-division Spanish course for the fall semester and is performing well above average.

“This class has been surprisingly easy for me,” noted Gonzalez. “I really didn’t know what to expect when I signed up for Spanish Literature, but I sure am enjoying making high grades with little to no studying.”

Gonzalez’s professor, Dr. Silsia, also took notice of Guillermo’s outstanding performance.

“There is no reason why Guillermo shouldn’t be making good grades in the course, it wasn’t designed for native speakers; in fact, he is taking the equivalent of what an eighth grade English class would be for a native English speaker.”

Guillermo remains confident he will be seeing an “A” on his grade report come December.

“I don’t know why, but this class really doesn’t feel like work to me. Maybe it’s just because I love it so much — I just might declare Spanish as my major.”

Self-help guru helps self to last slice of pizza at son’s birthday party
LOS ANGELES — Famous self-help guru and award-winning author Tony Robbins recently helped himself to the last slice of sausage pizza at his son’s birthday party Friday.

“We were opening presents over by the petting zoo when [Tony] casually mentioned that he was going to the bathroom,” claimed Robbins’ wife Jenni. “And when he came back he was licking his fingers and wiping some sauce from his blue power tie.”

Robbins, who became famous for his theory that fear often holds people back from achieving what they desire in life has often been accused of taking the last cookie, bag of chips or even slice of wedding cake at family events.

“I thought that Tony would be more generous what with the millions of dollars he’s made off his books and seminars,” claimed Robbins’ nephew James Woods. “But that guy sure can be a colossal dick when it comes to the last beer left in the cooler.”

Despite his criticisms, Robbins feels vindicated in his actions.

“I refuse to let fear hold me back from what I really want in my life,” said Robbins as he walked with his family out to their brand new Ford Windstar. “And what I really want is for my son to quit being a three-year-old pussy and let me ride shot gun in my own car!”

TX Tech Unveils Mothratron
LUBBOCK — Japanese students clamored in shock and terror as Texas Tech University unveiled their newly installed scoreboard, Mothratron, last Sunday. The display, which sits perched atop Jones AT&T Stadium in Lubbock, is said to be the greatest living nemesis of UT’s own Godzillatron.

“Soon, the two will battle to the death for supremacy of the Big XII,” stated Tech student Roger Wills. “Be warned, for nothing shall stand in their way! Whole cities will crumble in their wake!”

Although the origins of Mothratron are hazy, it is believed that she was once the guardian of an ancient race of people known only as the Cosmos and can shoot white-hot laser beams from her eyes. Texas Tech recently purchased her in act of fervent defiance against the University of Texas. “Godzillatron stands no chance,” declared Jerry Rowling, head of Texas Tech’s Athletic department. “His atomic breath will prove useless when compared to Mothtratron’s psychic abilities. Plus, she’s only in larval form now.” While both Godzillatron and Mothratron are currently dormant, both universities have kamikaze pilots on standby in case of attack.
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