October 2006 (v9 i2)
Wetting Our Pants Since 1997
 Jump to Issue  

Buy Merchandise

AIM Buddy Icons

Desktop Backgrounds


Trapped boyfriend understands why Bush can’t get out of Iraq
Amenities include HDTV, majestic view of construction pit
by Bradley Jackson, Features Editor

“Hey sweetie, are you gonna come to my
house for all of Thanksgiving Break? ’Cause
if you’re not, I’m going to kill myself!”
AUSTIN — Fifth year Government senior Travis Wussow recently compared his difficulty in breaking up with his girlfriend of four years, Courtney McSelfkin, to President Bush’s difficulty in withdrawing troops from Iraq.

“I’m not a political guy or anything, but I can really sympathize with Bush for taking so long to withdraw troops,” claimed Wussow as he ignored McSelfkin’s phone calls for the third time that morning. “I mean it took me three weeks just to tell Courtney I didn’t feel comfortable leaving a toothbrush over at her apartment.”

Wussow began dating McSelfkin in March 2003; around the same time U.S forces began Operation Iraqi Freedom. According to Wussow, their relationship has consistently paralleled the highs and current lows of the War.

“We totally hit it off when we lived on the same floor of Jester freshman year,” recounted Wussow. “When U.S troops toppled Baghdad, Courtney and I were making photo collages and talking about buying a puppy. I thought we were gonna be together forever.”

Despite the initial euphoria, Wussow claims McSelfkin’s erratic behavior as of late has begun to cause unsettling feelings.

“She keeps dropping these emotional roadside bombs on me like, ‘I love you,’ and, ‘I want to bear your children,’” complained Wussow. “But I’ve already met her parents and taken an internship at her dad’s law firm, so I really can’t break up with her now.”

Wussow added: “I guess I should have been planning an exit strategy.”

Recently, several of Wussow’s friends began to ardently protest the couple’s relationship, claiming it was causing a recession in both alcohol consumption and Halo tournaments.

“Before he met Courtney, Travis used to be a pretty fun guy,” claimed James Dowell, one of Wussow’s high school buddies. “But every time we try to convince him to break up with her, he’ll say something totally unreasonable like, ‘If you’re not for us then you’re against us.’”

Wussow’s friends also claim he constantly changes his reasoning for entering the relationship.

“When Travis first started dating Courtney he told us it was because her body was like ‘a biological weapon capable of generating massive love,’” recalled Clay Spence, Wussow’s roommate. “But when she gained 30 pounds and dyed her hair black sophomore year, he said it was because she had ‘a great personality.’”

In contrast to Wussow’s low approval ratings amongst his friends, McSlefkin’s friends passionately encourage Wussow to remain in the relationship.

“Courtney needs him right now,” stated McSelkfin’s best friend, Liz Benjamin. “I mean, if he abandons her right now, he’ll be seen as a coward.”

Nevertheless, Wussow remains steadfast in his stance, “I’ve invested so much money and manpower into this relationship. If I left now, I would just be cutting-and-running.”

Wussow added: “I must stay the course.”
« Back to the October 2006 issue
©1997-2006 Texas Travesty | Copyright & Legalese | Issue Credits | Texas Travesty Archives Home