February 2006 (v8 i4)
Hiding in the bushes since 1997!
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Non-traditional student enjoys campus life
Former stay-at-home-mom hits the 40 acres
by Sara Kanewske, Staff Writer

Our spines are slowly disintegrating from the
weight of our backpacks.
CAMPUS — As a 41-year-old first-semester freshman, Carol Weber knows that she’ll have to do more than just go to class in order to get the most out of her four years here.

During the first week of this semester, Weber participated in sorority rush, despite vocal objections from every active member she encountered.

“I don’t really understand why she’s coming back to school and trying to pledge,” said Stephanie Pike, a member of I Eta Pi. “I mean, she’s already married — what else can she accomplish?”

Although Weber did not receive an invitation to join any of the sororities to which she hoped to pledge, she is not letting the rejections dampen her desire to wear her horns. Weber has spent the past two weeks in training for the upcoming Texas Pom tryouts.

“It was tough fitting a 41-year-old body into those chaps,” recalled Weber. “But after a few alterations, courtesy of my sewing machine and Bedazzler gun, my new uniform is as comfortable and spiffy as my five-year-old daughter’s hand-knit Christmas sweater.”

Some of Weber’s classmates admitted to feelings of confusion when they first noticed her in class.

“At first, I assumed she was the TA,” said classmate Joseph Tribley. “But when the professor never introduced her — and I even saw her skip a few times — I figured out that she must be one of those older students. Either that or she got lost on the way to pick up the kids from tae kwon do.”

“I think it’s awesome that she’s going back for her degree,” said history sophomore Pam Saunders, who sits next to Weber in Spanish 506. “Although it was awkward last Friday when everybody was bitching about being hung over, and she said a person can’t know real pain until their loins have erupted with the magic of human life.”

Although some have been confused by her presence on campus, at least one student appreciates the maturity and experience Weber contributes to the student body.

“Man, Carol is a total MILF,” exclaimed philosophy freshman Jeremy Morse. “Older women are so hot, and once they hit menopause, you don’t even have to worry about accidentally knocking them up.”

Those most affected by Weber’s level of visibility at the University are her family, particularly her husband Paul.

“I support my wife’s decision to continue her education,” said Mr. Weber. “It’s the extracurricular activities I have a problem with. She gets these late-night calls from some horny freshman, and I don’t even get to sit with her at the football games because she’s in the student section.”

However, Carol does not let her husband’s concerns inhibit her social ambitions.

“Paul wouldn’t fit in with all those young fans, anyway,” said Weber. “Besides, some guy dry humping my leg at a foam party on a Friday night sure beats watching CSI: Miami and having dry, mechanical sex with my husband.”
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