February 2006 (v8 i4)
Hiding in the bushes since 1997!
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The Rose Bowl ROCKED my BALLS
by Drew Baelle, "The Hymen Annihilator"

Whats up NERDS, Drewsky here to tell you about the sweetest ROAD TRIP ever taken. The Daily Travesty asked me to write an ESSAY about driving from AUSTIN to PASADENA to see VINCE YOUNG make California look like the BITCH-ASS NON-CONFEDERATE state it is. I wasnt sure if driving across the COUNTRY counts as a road trip if youre BLACKED OUT half the time but whatever I made it back in one piece.

2:36p.m. Woke up at a WATER TREATMENT PLANT.
2:49p.m. Bought a fifth of WHISKEY at a liquor store because my VISION was starting to BLUR
3:15p.m. Got home and STUFFED every BURNT ORANGE shirt I own into a DUFFEL BAG
3:26p.m. My roommate Lenny showed up in his momís SWEET RV
4:55p.m. Finished loading all the BOOZE into the RV. The last KEG didnt quite fit until we took out all the SEATBELTS and AIRBAGS
5:48p.m. Ran a TRUCKER off the road because he wouldnít HONK his HORN
5:49p.m. Lenny demanded to drive.
6:36p.m. Couldnt find a CUP so I broke a keg apart with a BASEBALL BAT and licked the BEER off of the LINOLEUM floor
8:22p.m. Stopped at McDonalds to get a BIG MAC.
8:24p.m. Ronald McDonald is a fucking CLOWN?!
9:16p.m. The handle of the TOILET was stuck so I pissed in an empty VODKA bottle
10:04p.m. SHOTGUNNED a plastic bottle of GIN. I thought about the PHYSICS of shotgunning for a minute and LOST MY BUZZ
10:24p.m. Lenny got up to PISS so I took over DRIVING
11:06p.m. Stopped in Lubbock to GET GAS and contracted SIX STDs
11:22p.m. Told Lenny to DRIVE because my FLASK didnít fit in the CUP HOLDER
11:43p.m. Took a monster DUMP in the bathroom before PASSING out

8:26a.m. Why does the CLOSET smell like SHIT?
10:22a.m. Lenny asked me to drive but I PUKED in the TAPE DECK
3:22p.m. Chugged a VODKA TONIC because thinking about TIME ZONES gave me a HEADACHE
3:55p.m. LA stands for LOS ANGELES?!
4:08p.m. Drove by the CBS STUDIO and PUKED but only because itís where KING OF QUEENS is filmed
8:36p.m. Lenny bought me dinner because he bet me I couldnít chug a gallon of GASOLINE without my LIVER failing
9:46p.m. We couldnít find our HOTEL so we stopped in some neighborhood called WATTS to get directions
10:03p.m. I told some USC PUSSY wearing a RED bandana and a RAIDERS jacket that Vince Young was going to BLAST THEIR ASSES

10:36p.m. A DOCTOR told me I had a 1 in 500 chance of SURVIVING multiple STAB WOUNDS to the ABDOMEN and NECK
10:38p.m. Ripped the CATHEDER out of my DICK
10:42p.m. Caught Lenny CRYING in the hospital lobby and called him a BITCH
10:54p.m. Found out we WON THE ROSE BOWL but couldnít scream because my THROAT was bleeding
11:22p.m. Lenny and I decided to go to LAS VEGAS to score some money and SLUTS
11:36p.m. Stopped at a LIQUOR STORE on the way out of LA because I was VOMITING BLOOD from WITHDRAWL

4:45a.m. We got to VEGAS and I put $200 on BLACK
4:46a.m. I realized I was talking to a URINAL
5:24a.m. Got thrown out of TREASURE ISLAND for PISSING in a fountain and then FALLING INTO IT
8:36a.m. A security guard at the MGM told me my hospital gown and BLEEDING WOUNDS were scaring the GUESTS and asked me to LEAVE
10:46a.m. FAINTED outside of COYOTE UGLY
2:13p.m. Lenny WOKE ME UP on the way back to Austin and said he FEARED for my LIFE
2:16p.m. I BONGED a fifth of BOURBON to show him what LIFE really is
6:33p.m. I began BLEEDING from my EYES
6:55p.m. Lenny asked if I could DRIVE for a while because he hadnít SLEPT since I was STABBED
7:26p.m. I tried steering the RV with my KNEES while I mixed a SCREWDRIVER and drove into an OVERPASS
7:28p.m. Regained consciousness near the WRECKAGE and HITCHHIKED to AUSTIN

1:26a.m. Got dropped off DOWNTOWN to celebrate the ROSE BOWL

Our roadtrip was pretty sweet. I havenít seen Lenny since I pulled him out of the burning RV but his cell phone was in his pocket so he should be okay. I didnt hook up in California because I spent most of my time in a coma but Friday night I was INTIMATE with a woman so I made up for it. Anyway the liquor stores close in 10 minutes, I hope you dipshits enjoyed the Tightness How-To.
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