Where have all the mustaches gone? by Bradley Jackson, Managing Editor
 I live by one indisputable fact: Mustaches are awesome.
Beards can be cool on the right man or circus woman; goatees are fashionable only with porn directors and/or youth group leaders; mutton chops only seem to work in the context of an epic battle fought with swords and muskets. We are left with the ’stache, a beacon of shock-white masculinity in a culture obsessed with Brazilian waxes, Mach 3 razors, and other smooth, hairless abominations (Ryan Seacrest).
Take a moment to gaze upon the growing populace of blue collar nine-to-fivers, and you’ll find nary a hairy upper lip. “Why is this?” I often ask myself aloud as I stroke my own glorious lip warmer with a skull-shaped comb. What is it about a thick conglomeration of hair just below the nose that seems to offend our society? And how can I convince the otherwise disillusioned skeptics that the key to happiness in life lies not in money or familial contentment, but in the freedom that comes from being able to tongue your own facial hair?
I have therefore constructed a list of benefits that coincide with living a mustached life:
1. Instant respect. Nobody messes with a guy with a mustache. I’ve researched the facts and found the number of violent crimes perpetrated against those sans-mustache to be 245,985 per year. Coincidentally, the annual number of violent crimes committed by the mustached populace is exactly the same.
2. Admiration from the law. In case you haven’t noticed, cops love mustaches. In a world controlled by a facial-haired elite, a mustache is as good as a “get out of jail free” card. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve exceeded the speed limit or verbally abused a hobo and been let off with only a wag of the finger from the boys in blue. One glimpse of the ’stache, and they know I’m no menace to tax-paying society.
3. Passionate kisses. There’s nothing more pleasing to a woman than getting lost in a romantic lip lock with a manly mouth accompanied by thick bushels of finely combed hair. I’ve done the math and come up with the simple formula: Friday Night + Ruby Tuesday’s + Mustache = Tons of babes who want to make out with you.
4. Culinary appreciation. A mustache often enhances the enjoyment of fine foods and domestic tallboys. The occasional biscuit crumb or meat pie residue serendipitously found nestled snugly against one’s upper lip give the ’stache its much loved nickname — the flavor savor.
5. Comparisons to Tom Selleck. This is always a good thing, and if you don’t understand why then you deserve your naked, girly lip.
So in conclusion, mustaches are awesome, and if you don’t like them I will fight you.
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