(March 21 – April 19)
Your attempt to woo a lady by complimenting her eye color will be foiled when she reveals she has colored contacts. And isn’t a lady.
(April 20 – May 20)
You will feel good about your last-minute decision to not jump — until a boatload of pillowy cash passes right under you.
(May 21 – June 21)
You win some, you lose some. But not you. You lose all of them.
(June 22 – July 22)
Your life is looking good, but that’s because you’re developing glaucoma.
(July 23 – August 22)
Just when you think you know someone, they go and steal your Xbox and screw your girlfriend all the while you’re volunteering at the retirement home, feeding their grandmother apple sauce and strained peas. You should probably avoid the elderly this month.
(August 23 – September 22)
That 14-carat gold plated Rose Bowl knickknack isn’t going to look so cool in 50 years when your kids toss it out after your funeral. But the victory will live on forever.
(September 23 – October 22)
Tragedy will make you too miserable to eat, and you’ll finally lose that baby fat. But when the slightest ray of hope pokes through the clouds of your despair, it’s a one-way ticket back to Fatsville.
(October 23 – November 21)
You’re usually a hard-working person, but when Mars and Jupiter align, your repressed childhood memories will unsuspectingly surface. Remember to stay focused and not get addicted to building penis forts out of Lincoln Logs.
(November 22 – December 21)
The kitchen looks different today, doesn’t it? That’s because your George Foreman Grill has been replaced with a bomb that will detonate in approximately four seconds. Looks like your diet’s not the only thing that’s getting blown off this month.
(December 22 – January 19)
You decide to seize the day, but unfortunately it’s the same day the proletariat coup decides to seize your house, family, means of living and favorite Che Guevara T-shirt.
(January 20 – February 18)
Jeremy Piven will land higher-paying gigs to play himself. Good for him, though. I like him.
(February 19 – March 20)
You feel good when you show off your hickeys to your co-workers, but only you know that they came from the vacuum cleaner, and that there are more you cannot reveal.