February 2006 (v8 i4)
Hiding in the bushes since 1997!
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Students helping students
Peer advisors assist with academic issues, instill shame
by Kristin Hillery, Editor-In-Chief

“I see that your section 159.345 subsection
AQ form is overdue.”
CAMPUS — For peer advisors Jennifer Blanchard and Lacey Vaughn, helping undergraduates drop classes, declare majors and feel like mental defectives for not knowing everything about arcane University procedures is all in a day’s work.

“I’m having trouble getting into a history class,” one doe-eyed freshman said to Blanchard and Vaughn, who stared at him from behind the front desk as a gentle breeze from the door blew into the student’s left ear and went out his right ear.

“Apparently you’re not aware that you have to go to the department of the course you’re trying to add. We can’t get students into classes here,” Blanchard scoffed, glancing at her watch and wishing she had a time machine to get back the last 10 seconds of her life. “Who did your mother blow in the Admissions Office to get you accepted, Forrest?”

As the student burst into tears, Vaughn waved her hand and added: “Be gone.”

Moments later, another student wandered up to the desk, meekly cowering before Blanchard and Vaughn.

“Can I use my freshman ‘oops!’ drop?” the student asked, her helium-filled head making it difficult for her to keep from floating out an open window and into outer space.

“Wow,” Blanchard choked, adjusting the noose around her neck. “Last time I checked, we didn’t have anything called that. You may want to go ask someone else — preferably after you ‘oops’ yourself off a cliff that overlooks a tank full of sharks. But they probably wouldn’t want their time wasted, either.”

“Heahehahaheahahaheeeha!” their supervisor roared from behind a cubicle wall as the yelps of sacrificial lambs filled the room and red flames shot up to the ceiling.

“Hey — how am I supposed to know what it’s called?” whined the student, as a boa constrictor wound its way around her head, causing her hollow skull to crack like an eggshell.

“Can you believe the nerve of some people?” Vaughn huffed, pointing a .38 Special into her mouth. “Gaw.”
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