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 Have a case of the dorm blues? Cheer up! Experts at the Travesty have compiled three hot guides to make you the envy of everyone on your floor. Read on, and you’ll be meeting new friends and getting laid in no time!
HOW TO SET UP A GAMBLING RING
Is gambling legal? Sure is! So could you open a gambling ring of your very own? Of course! Even in your dorm? YES! Gambling is both financially and ethically justified for any dormitory. Go ahead and wager all the money in your parents’ bank account, because this
casino idea of yours just hit the jackpot! Dinga-ding-a-ding-a-ding! Ding-a-ding! Ding!
In the Casi-Know
Know the rules of all the most popular casino games — poker, roulette and oldmaid — like the back of your hand. (No pun intended!)
Be able to answer difficult questions, such as: When does a player yell “Uno!”? How many numbers are on that crazy ol’ roulette wheel? If you’re playing Texas Hold ’Em, should you really go all in when you’re riding handicapped on a Dorothy’s Rainbow?
Purchase all the necessities: Cards, chips (the plastic kind and the delicious kind) and a stylish green plastic visor.
Viva Las Dorm Room!
Make visiting your casino a “one-of-akind” experience. Be friendly, always have Rounders playing on your iBook, and if you don’t already have one, acquire a girlfriend who enjoys serving free drinks in tight, black miniskirts.
HOW TO HOT-BOX YOUR DORM
Only a dedicated few should attempt this, so listen up to these nugs of wisdom!
Preparing for a Sticky Situation
Collect all of your floormates’ fans, claiming your roommate has bad gas. Don’t be a dope. Shut the door.
It’s MacGyver time. Grab some dryer sheets, a used toilet paper roll and a rubber band, then stuff and tie.
Assess your current towel situation. Select the filthiest one, sop it in your sink and lay it down by the base of the door. You don’t want your asshole neighbor — the one you hear fingerblasting his high school girlfriend every weekend — to get a second-hand high!
Now, crack your window and huddle up for a confidential dorm room extravagonja!
Don’t forget to wander the halls, talk idyllically about politics and giggle about how that pre-med student who lives across the hall doesn’t do anything but study. What a nerd!
 HOW TO TURN YOUR DORM INTO A NIGHT CLUB
Can’t convince your parents to spot you $150 for a fake ID? Transforming your room into a cramped, all-night dance party is the fastest way to get Dr. Rhythm to diagnose you with Dance Fever!
Business Before Pleasure
Give your club a name. If you’re not too clever, don’t stress — your room number will suffice. Spread the word that Studio 208 is gettin’ crunk tonight!
Use your less-popular roommate to your advantage by turning him into a bouncer. Offer to let him use your room for a LAN party next week in exchange for him running the door.
Grab a marker and swing by every dry erase board in the building. Be sure to include the phrases “Dress to impress” and “No cover for ladies before 11!”
Setting the mood
Tell your desk chairs to beat it by storing them in the community shower. Who wants to sit when you could be doin’ the hump?
Warning: Plan on having a huge turnout (six to eight people)! |
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