April/May 2005 (v7 i6)
Fun and Games Until Somone Gets Hurt Since 1997
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A lucid discourse on ends and beginnings
by Ian Skoviss, The Dorkiest kid in the Seventh Grade

Hocus pocus! Here comes Ian Skoviss! Your main man the Skovemeister has become the most AWESOMEST magician that has ever lived in this GALAXY. Now check out my story. Abracadabra!

Mom and me were ROCKIN' out like Jason Mraz at my 12th birthday party last month. I was all, "If you've got the presents, I've got the remedy!" I even invited everyone from Miss Nelson's homeroom, but I guess they were too busy looking at their own poo-poo in the toilet to come P-A-R-T-Y with me! HAHAHAHA. Gross-o-rific!!!

So after I blewz out my candlez like a pro, Mom brought out a huuuuge sparkly box. (Mom's wrapping is almost as pretty as she is.) Can you doodsies guess what was in it? I'll give you a hint. Hint number one: It smells better than your stinky fart-factory FACE! HAHAHAHA. Give up??? It was The Amazing Mr. Brandini's Official Magic Kit for Beginners!!! I never thought anything could beat last year's tickets to see Nickelback, but I was wrong to the MAX!

Mr. Brandini is a one in INFINITY (plus one) magician. He's probably the only dude who MIGHT be slightly awesomer than me. But that's only because I can't figure out that dangunit Vanishing Knot trick. Dad keeps telling me not stop practicing til' I can make myself disappear. And I'm like, "Hey Daddy-O, I'm not FREAKIN' Houdini or David Coppertone!" There's no way in a million bazillion KAH-TRILLION years that I could ever make myself disappear. Or could I??? Presto Change-o! Blim Blam Blasmo!

Sike! Ian the Great didn't really disappear, you dumbb**ts! I've still got a story to tell, DUH!

Know what? If Mr. Brandini ever met me, I know we'd become best friends in less than a millisecond. I'd bet all my Trapper Keepers on it. I'd be like, "Hi! My name is Ian!" and he'd be all cool and say, "Hi. I'm Mr. Brandini," and I'd be like, "My dudesir, I know who you are! DOY!" and then?beans, beans, the magical fruit! BEST FRIENDS FOR LIFE!!! And before you could say "Ian Skoviss rulz the world," Mr. Brandini and me would talk about all the mega top secret magic tricks of the universe.

But you aren't allowed to listen, my unwizardlry amigos! That's a violation of the Magician's Sacred Oath. So if I caught you hungry b**tmunchers eavesdropping, I'd be forced to quit being Ian Skoviss (even though he is heckta COOL) and TRANSFORM myself into IanRAGED (my completely evil alter ego)! I'd be like "ZAP! ZAP! I'm IanRaaaaaged! Zap! Zap!" with my official Brandini Wand, and you dude-o-reenos would all be turned into a pile of rotten belly button fungus! EWWW GROSS!

Anyway, I know you are all jealous with a capital J of my electrifying magic skills right now. You dudes and dudettes probably think that I do magic at these GIGANTOID arenas where there's a bajillion screaming lovers of the I-Man that are all like, "Wow! Ian the Great is so GREAT!" and you think I do a little "Shazaam booty blah!" and then my fan-o-ramas all cry, "Freakin' fire-breathing dragons! Look at that magic! Ian Skoviss is STILL the coolest kid on the planet!"

In summary, being a 12-year-old magician with Mr. Brandini as my future best friend has officially proved my COOL status. Also, Mom gets me radical presents and Whitney Parker from Miss Nelson's homeroom picks her own nose and eats it for lunch. THE END!!!
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