April/May 2005 (v7 i6)
Fun and Games Until Somone Gets Hurt Since 1997
 Jump to Issue  


Interactive
Buy Merchandise

AIM Buddy Icons

Desktop Backgrounds

Webcam

My Spring Break RULED
by Drew Baelle, "The Hymen Annihilator"

The Texas Traveler or whatever asked me to give a report on my Spring Break because the people who read their magazine need to learn how to party. I'm up next in FLIP CUP so I'll make this quick.


THURSDAY:
3:43 p.m. —WOKE UP VOMITING. My professor asked me if I was alright so I MOONED HIM. Three assholes tried to take me to the hospital but I WRESTLED THEM TO THE GROUND and ran out of the auditorium.

3:50 p.m. — made it to the liquor store before going into a SEIZURE. I bought two handles of WHISKEY because I'm at a weird point where one handle isn't enough but two is too much.

5:02 p.m. — some dudes came over for a BEER PONG TOURNAMENT.

5:33 p.m. — Celebrated my win in the tournament with a VICTORY PISS.

5:38 p.m. — that was a LONG FUCKING PISS.

7:00 p.m. — The OC.

10:20 p.m. — went downtown. Told some pussy in a track jacket that I'd FUCK HIM UP if he didn't give me some SPACE. Turns out he was with the rugby team.


FRIDAY:
5:27 a.m. —woke up in an ALLEY somewhere. I couldn't tell if my arm was BROKEN or just stinging from where my WOUNDS were PISSED IN.

6:35 a.m. —made it home. Lenny and I packed for our trip to CANCUN.

8:45 a.m. —bought two SHOTS OF TEQUILA on the plane.

9:20 a.m. — got LOCKED IN THE BATHROOM by a STEWARD for going on a rampage when they wouldn't sell me more TEQUILA.

10:45 a.m. — got to our hotel and took a seat at the POOL BAR.

11:52 a.m. — saw a chick sunbathing TOPLESS on the beach. I ran a sweet pick-up line on her but I got confused ? how do I know how tight my GAME is if she's already got her SHIRT OFF?

1:24 p.m. — DESTROYED some quesadillas at the HOTEL RESTAURANT. Not as good as TACO C but I was hungry so whatever.

3:47 p.m. — Lenny bet me that I couldn't BEER BONG half corona half tequila. I showed that PUSSY what being a MAN IS ABOUT.

9:45 p.m. — left for downtown to see 50 CENT at a club. I paid $150 for a VIP WRISTBAND so I wouldn't have to WAIT IN LINE.

10:15 p.m. — got in the back of a HUGE FUCKING LINE.

11:40 p.m. — got inside the club and ordered two LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS. I had to chug both for my PANIC ATTACK to go away.

2:20 a.m. — GRINDED THE SHIT out of some chick. She tried to make out with me but my drink was empty so I STIFF-ARMED her and hit the bar up.

3:30 a.m. — 50 CENT comes on. I kept screaming "IN DA CLUB" at the top of my lungs until security ESCORTED me out.

4:15 a.m. — PASSED OUT at my hotel

SATURDAY — TUESDAY:
DON'T REMEMBER

WEDNESDAY:
2:20 p.m. — WHERE THE FUCK AM I.

3:15 p.m. — found my shirt but I had to leave my pants because some dude with a GUN started yelling at me in SPANISH.

4:18 p.m. — made it back to my hotel, hit up the POOL BAR.

4:22 p.m. — after a few WHISKEY AND COKES, I ate for the first time in DAYS

9:15 p.m. — Lenny and I left for the BOOZE CRUISE. We were the first ones on the boat so we did two rounds of TEQUILA SLAMMERS.

10:20 p.m. — I couldn't remember if I had done 16 or 18 tequila slammers so I STOLE THE BOTTLE and finished it off.

10:35 p.m. — I stopped being able to HEAR.

10:42 p.m. — Nirvana. I reached a state of total consciousness, of complete mental liberation. I saw the tale of this ancient land unfold in a symphony of colors ? vibrant reds, blues and greens painted a pristine landscape set against a burgundy sunset. The noble Mayan people pounded corn on rocks and ate venison over a roaring fire. Absolute enlightenment.

10:45 p.m. — I RETCHED over the side of the boat and got some on my SHIRT

11:52 p.m. — WET T-SHIRT CONTEST. I hit on the girl who WON but she must have been a lesbian or something because she said she didn't want to HOO
K UP in the BATHROOM
12:48 a.m. — got back to SHORE. I celebrated earning my SEA LEGS by CHUGGING BEER.
2:26 a.m. — tried to round up some last minute TAIL at the hotel pool. I hit on some chick that was by herself and convinced her to come up to my room.
2:32 a.m. — MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

THURSDAY:
11:37 a.m. — WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SLEEPING NEXT TO ME

11:40 a.m. — chugged the rest of my BACARDI and smashed the bottle on the WALL to wake up the TROLL in my bed

11:42 a.m. — STUFFED all my clothes in a DUFFEL BAG so I could RAID the POOL BAR before noon checkout

12:13 p.m. — woke up in the KIDDIE POOL

12:32 p.m. — had to CHASE the airport shuttle for 6 BLOCKS because I was taking a PISS in the bushes when it left

1:37 p.m. — what the fuck is a PASSPORT?

3:12 p.m. — got on the plane and turned the OXYGEN MASK into a BEER BONG

3:37 p.m. — told some BITCH that if they didn't want us DOING SHOTS on the plane they wouldn't give us BARF BAGS, that really shut her up

5:15 p.m. — made it back to Austin, had the cab drop me off at 6TH STREET.
Cancun was pretty sweet, I got a ton of shirts with hilarious alcohol jokes on them. Also it must be true what they say about the WATER because it seriously STINGS when I piss now. I need to get a beer because I'm seeing double, hope you fruitcakes enjoyed the free lesson.


There's probably a bunch more stuff that I did that was fucking awesome but I'm just about to play BEER PONG so fuck it. Hope you fruitcakes learned something. Late.
Back to the April/May 2005 issue
©1997-2006 Texas Travesty | Copyright & Legalese | Issue Credits | Texas Travesty Archives Home