The Texas Traveler or whatever asked me to give a report on my Spring Break because the people who read their magazine need to learn how to party. I'm up next in FLIP CUP so I'll make this quick.
THURSDAY: 3:43 p.m. —WOKE UP VOMITING. My professor asked me if I was alright so I MOONED HIM. Three assholes tried to take me to the hospital but I WRESTLED THEM TO THE GROUND and ran out of the auditorium.
3:50 p.m. — made it to the liquor store before going into a SEIZURE. I bought two handles of WHISKEY because I'm at a weird point where one handle isn't enough but two is too much.
5:02 p.m. — some dudes came over for a BEER PONG TOURNAMENT.
5:33 p.m. — Celebrated my win in the tournament with a VICTORY PISS.
5:38 p.m. — that was a LONG FUCKING PISS.
7:00 p.m. — The OC.
10:20 p.m. — went downtown. Told some pussy in a track jacket that I'd FUCK HIM UP if he didn't give me some SPACE. Turns out he was with the rugby team.
FRIDAY: 5:27 a.m. —woke up in an ALLEY somewhere. I couldn't tell if my arm was BROKEN or just stinging from where my WOUNDS were PISSED IN.
6:35 a.m. —made it home. Lenny and I packed for our trip to CANCUN.
8:45 a.m. —bought two SHOTS OF TEQUILA on the plane.
9:20 a.m. — got LOCKED IN THE BATHROOM by a STEWARD for going on a rampage when they wouldn't sell me more TEQUILA.
10:45 a.m. — got to our hotel and took a seat at the POOL BAR.
11:52 a.m. — saw a chick sunbathing TOPLESS on the beach. I ran a sweet pick-up line on her but I got confused ? how do I know how tight my GAME is if she's already got her SHIRT OFF?
1:24 p.m. — DESTROYED some quesadillas at the HOTEL RESTAURANT. Not as good as TACO C but I was hungry so whatever.
3:47 p.m. — Lenny bet me that I couldn't BEER BONG half corona half tequila. I showed that PUSSY what being a MAN IS ABOUT.
9:45 p.m. — left for downtown to see 50 CENT at a club. I paid $150 for a VIP WRISTBAND so I wouldn't have to WAIT IN LINE.
10:15 p.m. — got in the back of a HUGE FUCKING LINE.
11:40 p.m. — got inside the club and ordered two LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS. I had to chug both for my PANIC ATTACK to go away.
2:20 a.m. — GRINDED THE SHIT out of some chick. She tried to make out with me but my drink was empty so I STIFF-ARMED her and hit the bar up.
3:30 a.m. — 50 CENT comes on. I kept screaming "IN DA CLUB" at the top of my lungs until security ESCORTED me out.
4:15 a.m. — PASSED OUT at my hotel
SATURDAY — TUESDAY:
WEDNESDAY: 2:20 p.m. — WHERE THE FUCK AM I.
3:15 p.m. — found my shirt but I had to leave my pants because some dude with a GUN started yelling at me in SPANISH.
4:18 p.m. — made it back to my hotel, hit up the POOL BAR.
4:22 p.m. — after a few WHISKEY AND COKES, I ate for the first time in DAYS
9:15 p.m. — Lenny and I left for the BOOZE CRUISE. We were the first ones on the boat so we did two rounds of TEQUILA SLAMMERS.
10:20 p.m. — I couldn't remember if I had done 16 or 18 tequila slammers so I STOLE THE BOTTLE and finished it off.
10:35 p.m. — I stopped being able to HEAR.
10:42 p.m. — Nirvana. I reached a state of total consciousness, of complete mental liberation. I saw the tale of this ancient land unfold in a symphony of colors ? vibrant reds, blues and greens painted a pristine landscape set against a burgundy sunset. The noble Mayan people pounded corn on rocks and ate venison over a roaring fire. Absolute enlightenment.
10:45 p.m. — I RETCHED over the side of the boat and got some on my SHIRT
11:52 p.m. — WET T-SHIRT CONTEST. I hit on the girl who WON but she must have been a lesbian or something because she said she didn't want to HOO K UP in the BATHROOM 12:48 a.m. — got back to SHORE. I celebrated earning my SEA LEGS by CHUGGING BEER. 2:26 a.m. — tried to round up some last minute TAIL at the hotel pool. I hit on some chick that was by herself and convinced her to come up to my room. 2:32 a.m. — MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
THURSDAY: 11:37 a.m. — WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SLEEPING NEXT TO ME
11:40 a.m. — chugged the rest of my BACARDI and smashed the bottle on the WALL to wake up the TROLL in my bed
11:42 a.m. — STUFFED all my clothes in a DUFFEL BAG so I could RAID the POOL BAR before noon checkout
12:13 p.m. — woke up in the KIDDIE POOL
12:32 p.m. — had to CHASE the airport shuttle for 6 BLOCKS because I was taking a PISS in the bushes when it left
1:37 p.m. — what the fuck is a PASSPORT?
3:12 p.m. — got on the plane and turned the OXYGEN MASK into a BEER BONG
3:37 p.m. — told some BITCH that if they didn't want us DOING SHOTS on the plane they wouldn't give us BARF BAGS, that really shut her up
5:15 p.m. — made it back to Austin, had the cab drop me off at 6TH STREET.
Cancun was pretty sweet, I got a ton of shirts with hilarious alcohol jokes on them. Also it must be true what they say about the WATER because it seriously STINGS when I piss now. I need to get a beer because I'm seeing double, hope you fruitcakes enjoyed the free lesson.
There's probably a bunch more stuff that I did that was fucking awesome but I'm just about to play BEER PONG so fuck it. Hope you fruitcakes learned something. Late.