April/May 2005 (v7 i6)
Fun and Games Until Somone Gets Hurt Since 1997
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My Spring Break RULED
by Drew Baelle, "The Hymen Annihilator"

The Texas Traveler or whatever asked me to give a report on my Spring Break because the people who read their magazine need to learn how to party. I'm up next in FLIP CUP so I'll make this quick.

3:43 p.m. —WOKE UP VOMITING. My professor asked me if I was alright so I MOONED HIM. Three assholes tried to take me to the hospital but I WRESTLED THEM TO THE GROUND and ran out of the auditorium.

3:50 p.m. — made it to the liquor store before going into a SEIZURE. I bought two handles of WHISKEY because I'm at a weird point where one handle isn't enough but two is too much.

5:02 p.m. — some dudes came over for a BEER PONG TOURNAMENT.

5:33 p.m. — Celebrated my win in the tournament with a VICTORY PISS.

5:38 p.m. — that was a LONG FUCKING PISS.

7:00 p.m. — The OC.

10:20 p.m. — went downtown. Told some pussy in a track jacket that I'd FUCK HIM UP if he didn't give me some SPACE. Turns out he was with the rugby team.

5:27 a.m. —woke up in an ALLEY somewhere. I couldn't tell if my arm was BROKEN or just stinging from where my WOUNDS were PISSED IN.

6:35 a.m. —made it home. Lenny and I packed for our trip to CANCUN.

8:45 a.m. —bought two SHOTS OF TEQUILA on the plane.

9:20 a.m. — got LOCKED IN THE BATHROOM by a STEWARD for going on a rampage when they wouldn't sell me more TEQUILA.

10:45 a.m. — got to our hotel and took a seat at the POOL BAR.

11:52 a.m. — saw a chick sunbathing TOPLESS on the beach. I ran a sweet pick-up line on her but I got confused ? how do I know how tight my GAME is if she's already got her SHIRT OFF?

1:24 p.m. — DESTROYED some quesadillas at the HOTEL RESTAURANT. Not as good as TACO C but I was hungry so whatever.

3:47 p.m. — Lenny bet me that I couldn't BEER BONG half corona half tequila. I showed that PUSSY what being a MAN IS ABOUT.

9:45 p.m. — left for downtown to see 50 CENT at a club. I paid $150 for a VIP WRISTBAND so I wouldn't have to WAIT IN LINE.

10:15 p.m. — got in the back of a HUGE FUCKING LINE.

11:40 p.m. — got inside the club and ordered two LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS. I had to chug both for my PANIC ATTACK to go away.

2:20 a.m. — GRINDED THE SHIT out of some chick. She tried to make out with me but my drink was empty so I STIFF-ARMED her and hit the bar up.

3:30 a.m. — 50 CENT comes on. I kept screaming "IN DA CLUB" at the top of my lungs until security ESCORTED me out.

4:15 a.m. — PASSED OUT at my hotel


2:20 p.m. — WHERE THE FUCK AM I.

3:15 p.m. — found my shirt but I had to leave my pants because some dude with a GUN started yelling at me in SPANISH.

4:18 p.m. — made it back to my hotel, hit up the POOL BAR.

4:22 p.m. — after a few WHISKEY AND COKES, I ate for the first time in DAYS

9:15 p.m. — Lenny and I left for the BOOZE CRUISE. We were the first ones on the boat so we did two rounds of TEQUILA SLAMMERS.

10:20 p.m. — I couldn't remember if I had done 16 or 18 tequila slammers so I STOLE THE BOTTLE and finished it off.

10:35 p.m. — I stopped being able to HEAR.

10:42 p.m. — Nirvana. I reached a state of total consciousness, of complete mental liberation. I saw the tale of this ancient land unfold in a symphony of colors ? vibrant reds, blues and greens painted a pristine landscape set against a burgundy sunset. The noble Mayan people pounded corn on rocks and ate venison over a roaring fire. Absolute enlightenment.

10:45 p.m. — I RETCHED over the side of the boat and got some on my SHIRT

11:52 p.m. — WET T-SHIRT CONTEST. I hit on the girl who WON but she must have been a lesbian or something because she said she didn't want to HOO
12:48 a.m. — got back to SHORE. I celebrated earning my SEA LEGS by CHUGGING BEER.
2:26 a.m. — tried to round up some last minute TAIL at the hotel pool. I hit on some chick that was by herself and convinced her to come up to my room.


11:40 a.m. — chugged the rest of my BACARDI and smashed the bottle on the WALL to wake up the TROLL in my bed

11:42 a.m. — STUFFED all my clothes in a DUFFEL BAG so I could RAID the POOL BAR before noon checkout

12:13 p.m. — woke up in the KIDDIE POOL

12:32 p.m. — had to CHASE the airport shuttle for 6 BLOCKS because I was taking a PISS in the bushes when it left

1:37 p.m. — what the fuck is a PASSPORT?

3:12 p.m. — got on the plane and turned the OXYGEN MASK into a BEER BONG

3:37 p.m. — told some BITCH that if they didn't want us DOING SHOTS on the plane they wouldn't give us BARF BAGS, that really shut her up

5:15 p.m. — made it back to Austin, had the cab drop me off at 6TH STREET.
Cancun was pretty sweet, I got a ton of shirts with hilarious alcohol jokes on them. Also it must be true what they say about the WATER because it seriously STINGS when I piss now. I need to get a beer because I'm seeing double, hope you fruitcakes enjoyed the free lesson.

There's probably a bunch more stuff that I did that was fucking awesome but I'm just about to play BEER PONG so fuck it. Hope you fruitcakes learned something. Late.
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