Mongoloidus
(Maxim – FHM)
 You've heard the stories about sirens' songs causing people to impale themselves on sharp rocks, but you never realized the ancient writers were trying to warn about the dangers of listening to country music radio stations.
Powerthrust
(Happy hour – Closing time)
Your life has been like a Steve Gutenberg movie marathon — it's gone from bad to worse — and you still haven't reached the Police Academy films.
 Mischievousius
(Thirteen years – Nineteen years)
The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself, so 60 years of court-ordered solitary confinement isn't really that bad.
Horricinema
 (Jungle – Jungle)
You will win the lottery and forget that you live in a commune where the lottery winner is stoned in an attempt to stave off the impending apocalypse.
 Pectoralis Major
(Ten sets – Fifteen reps)
Your life will change for the better in the very near future, but then again, it's hard for your release from rehab to be a change for the worse. |
Orifice
(Threety six – Ninery)
Your pre-pubescent attempts at dating will fall short when the female classmates you try to seduce invoke the height disparity caused by your lagging Y-chromosome.
Roflmao
 (12:45:44 am – 2:54:41 am)
You've grown up thinking it was your glass-breaking high voice that made you terrifying to children, but really, it's your third eye.
Bananaboat
(Fifteen minutes – Time to flip)
When nobody believes in you, you have to believe in yourself. Unfortunately, that won't be enough to prevent the jury from finding you guilty.
Occulus Reparo
(Richard Harris – Michael Gambon)
If it's true that you are what you eat, you're going to have trouble explaining that terrible rash.
Kicknscream
(Flashdance – Footloose)
The best part about you is your smile, but that's probably because it is incapable of being loud and annoying.
 Wookie
(TK-421 – Cell block 1138)
The recent compliment you received about being as wonderful as a spring flower will turn hurtful when you realize that means you give people allergies and are surrounded by bees. |
