April/May 2005 (v7 i6)
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Incoming freshman feigns indifference
Campus tour surprisingly informative, eventful
by Stephen Short, Staff Writer

This young man is about to be in big trouble
with the dean. Bitchin’!
CAMPUS — Seventeen-year-old incoming freshman Jeremy Nolan expressed indifference toward University facilities during a campus tour last Thursday.

"Eh," sighed Nolan in response to the tour guide's gleeful pronouncement that UT's official colors were approved on May 10, 1900.

The tour, which begins at the Main Building every hour on the half-hour, is designed to give incoming freshmen a unique perspective into their new and exciting University lifestyle.

"Ugh, why do they have to show us those weird statues in front of the FAC—err, UGL? Whatever," grumbled Nolan, passing through the West Mall wearing a Jackson High School letterman jacket. "Why do all these buildings have names made up of three letters? At Jackson, we only have one building. And where's the cafeteria?"

Nolan's contrived eye-rolling continued as they toured the Union.

"Taco Bell at school? Eh," Nolan shrugged. "There's a Taco Bell like a block away from my house. It's not like I've never been to one before."

"Whoa, they have a Chick-Fil-A?!" said Nolan. "Uhh. I mean, whatever."

Overhearing Nolan's excitement, senior Rick Starks turned and remarked: "And did you know the Union Underground has an arcade, 12 regulation billiards tables, and 12 bowling lanes with available shoe rental?"

The tour group then visited the Harry Ransom Center.

"Pssshhhh. Lame," snickered Nolan upon viewing the world's first photograph and a print of only 21 complete copies of the Gutenberg Bible. "Don't they have anything cool here?"

"Actually," explained custodian Mike Dubbs as he rounded the corner, "The HRC holds more than 30 million manuscripts, including the original Death of a Salesman."

After being separated from the tour group, Nolan accidentally wandered into an unmarked women's restroom in Jester West.

"I only had a towel wrapped around my chest and I was holding my bra and panties when this scrawny, acne-ridden kid came barging in," said distraught sophomore Jessica Largeman. "I shrieked so loud. It was like the Great Panty Raid of '61 all over again."

"Oh man! I'm gonna see sooo many boobs in college!" exclaimed Nolan, fleeing the restroom. "Uh. I mean, this place needs to put a sign on the girls' bathroom."

Campus tour guide and junior Alex Mitchell later expressed his discontent for Nolan's conduct.

"His behavior reminded me of the Noon Tour Disaster of March 2003, when all the students on the tour just sighed after every fact I announced," said an irritated Mitchell. "At least this time all the other students stared into space and let their parents ask all the questions."

Mitchell continued: "Like when I was saying how popular student organizations are, my example was 1974's the Association of Streaking Students [ASS]. He just kept giggling and laughing. I don't get it."
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