April/May 2005 (v7 i6)
Fun and Games Until Somone Gets Hurt Since 1997
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Student listens to storm recordings after sex
WEST CAMPUS — Mark Lanceston plays a recording of rainstorms after having sex, says ex-girlfriend Ashley Clogsworth. "The first time we fooled around, he kept saying something about all of my moisture advection and how he wanted me to tickle his celestial spheres," Clogsworth said. "Then the storm came. And there wasn't a warning, if you know what I'm saying." The CD, which contains 75 minutes of the soothing sounds of an approaching storm, heavy thunder and the pitter-patter of raindrops, helps Lanceston relax after intercourse. "It's perfect to listen to afterwards," Lanceston explained as he adjusted the belt on his silk robe. "Especially after all the differential motion." Lanceston always makes sure to practice safe sex. "I put a raincoat on Lil' Markie before the torrential rain comes," explained Lanceston as he lit a cigar. Despite his way with women, Lanceston's technique doesn't always work. "There's been a drought for the past couple of weeks, but I'm not worried," said Lanceston. "The National Weather Service says there's a 100 percent chance of penetration tonight."

Newly wealthy liberal surprised to hate taxes
NEW HAVEN, CT — Dan Karshner, author of the new bestseller Tax Evasion and the Evading Evaders Who Evade Them, was shocked to feel disgusted when he saw that 34 percent of his latest royalty check was taken out for taxes. Karshner's reaction to the taxes came into direct conflict with his belief in taxing the wealthy to fund social welfare programs. He has been actively voicing this belief since he was a Dartmouth student and got bored one day because he couldn't find an abstract art show to pretend to appreciate. Once known for protesting government spending cuts by burning tax return checks and chaining himself to H&R Block office buildings, Karshner admits his ideology may have mellowed since his literary success rocketed him an entire tax bracket higher than that of his upper-middle?class parents. "I guess maybe my old views were a little extreme," he concedes. "My new status has shown me that sometimes it's okay to turn on the heat instead of wearing a sweater, to play golf, and to set money on fire."

Aggressive mother savestoo many seats at school talent show
ARLINGTON, VA — At Jamestown Elementary's annual talent show, 31-year-old Deborah Schlatter outraged fellow audience members by saving a row of 11 seats for extended family who never showed. Schlatter, who arrived early to see her daughter Jamie lip-synch to Ace of Base's "All That She Wants," managed to claim the seats using such place-holders as a purse, coat, camera, camera tripod, three programs, a copy of Redbook, and her outstreched body. "She was sprawled out over four or five seats to indicate they were taken, and if someone approached her, she would gesture to the general area and tell them that all of the surrounding seats were saved," said Mark Loff, the step father of one of the performers. "I walked up to the front of the cafetorium to get some water, and she called me out by saying I was 'eyeing her row.'" One audience member added: "We were all pretty disgruntled until her daughter performed. Then we just felt embarrassed for that whole family."

Sophomore uniquely struggling with lots of reading, tests
CAMPUS — Sophomore Kara Joyce faces a week of late-night studying and little sleep, a concept foreign to her classmates, as she prepares for multiple tests. "You guys really don't understand," she explained to her friends. "I have to read 160 pages for my history test, and I have a test in psychology the next day." Joyce sipped her coffee and continued: "I don't even want to think about finals — I'm going to have four exams in one week. You're so lucky you don't ever have to worry about anything like that."

Sign language students cheat at charades
NORTH CAMPUS — Jessica Kessel and Brandon Matthews, two American Sign Language students, were able to use their emerging sign language skills to win a game of charades during a Friday get-together. "At first, it wasn't even intentional. I drew The Color Purple, and my instinct was just to sign it to Brandon," Kessel said. "He realized what I was doing, and we were able to communicate The West Wing, A League of their Own, and The Grapes of Wrath all within a matter of seconds." The opponents of Matthews and Kessel were puzzled by their challengers' dominant performance. They tried stumping the duo with more complicated items such as "Kenneth Lay using the Fifth Amendment to avoid jail time," or "the best fried pickles are the ones they serve in Heaven." "They were floored by how well we did, and I don't think they suspected anything until Brandon drew DMX and decided to sign each letter of his name to me." Kessel added: "That's when they kicked us out and told us to go hustle charades somewhere else."
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