November 2004 (v7 i3)
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My Halloween weekend was so KICK ASS
by Drew Baelle, "The Hymen Annihilator"

Sup lames? I'm here to update this magazine or newspaper or BOOK or whatever with how fucking SWEET my Halloween was. Take it all in cuz I'm giving you an opportunity to check out the HIGH LIFE. The Drewski scored WAY more TREATS than tricks if you know what I mean. Candy corn tastes NASTY as hell on the way up but whatever.

FRIDAY
2:00pm     Woke up and poured some SHOTS! I had to rub tequila in my eyes to FOCUS cuz I was so HUNG OVER!

2:30pm     Beasted some BREAKFAST TACOS, I ate like 7 cuz I PUKED a shitload the night before.

3:00pm     Made it to my last class, the professor was BORING as shit so I started MACKING on this hot ass chick next to me. Got her DIGITS.

3:30pm     Took a swig from my flask in the bathroom cuz I was getting the SHAKES.

4:00pm     Rode the West Campus bus to hit on some fine HONIES. Caught one sorority girl on her period or some shit, it was fucking WEAK.

4:15pm     Made it home and started up the WEEKEND! My roommate Lenny and I played KILL-A-CASE but that pussy PUKED after 9 beers so I SHOTGUNNED the rest of his.

4:45pm     Lenny bet me that I couldn't bong a fifth of Jack Daniels, so I showed that BITCH how a true MAN takes his liquor.

8:00pm     Woke up.

8:15pm     Started putting together my costume. I went as the HYMEN ANNIHILATOR. I had this tight camo outfit with a bandana and a WATERGUN filled with VODKA

8:30pm     Had some CHICKS come over. They wanted some pussy RUM AND COKES but I just took SHOTS of WHISKY until I VOMITED BLOOD.

10:00pm     Took off to go PARTY! First we hit up this badass frat party but after the chicks walked in they told us to get lost. I told them to EAT A DICK and took a PISS on their FENCE when I LEFT.

10:15pm     SNUCK INTO a sweet ass frat party down the street. They were playing some killer 80s MUSIC so I air guitared to POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME.

10:20pm     Lenny and I SHOTGUNNED BEERS in the backyard.

11:15pm     Some SLUT that had been riding my BALLS asked me to walk her home. Fucking SCORE, BRO!

11:45pm     We get to Jester West and her roommate totally COCKBLOCKS me! Whatever, I gave that bitch the FINGER and took off.

12:20am     SCARFED a quesadilla at TACO C.

1:00am     Got home and PASSED THE FUCK OUT.

SATURDAY
1:30am     Woke up cuz my ASSHOLE roommate knocked over my BEERAMID from last weekend. Douche.

2:00pm     SLAMMED some major BREWSKIES to get ready for the GAME! GO HORNS HELL YEAH FUCK OU POOP ON STOOPS.

2:15pm     Did a LEGENDARY keg stand but Lenny DROPPED my leg and I almost ATE IT. Good thing I'm a PRO.

2:35pm     Totally DOMINATED a completely CRUCIAL pizza by myself.

3:40pm     Drank the SHIT out of a JACK DANIELS AND COKE. When I finished it I was so PUMPED UP that I chunked the glass against the WALL and it broke into a million pieces.

4:30pm     Painted my FACE AND CHEST burnt orange and white and walked over to a BAR to watch the GAME!

5:45pm     Ordered a double WHISKY SOUR and CHUGGED THE SHIT out of it.

7:15pm     Some TOTAL JACKOFF bumped my shoulder so I threw him against the BAR and started CHOKING HIM.

7:16pm     A cop ESCORTED me outside and I was ARRESTED.

12:00am     Lenny finally BAILS me out and we hit this WICKED ASS house party in West campus.

1:20am     I finally get a totally tremendous HOTTIE to come back to my place.

1:30am     Realized I was walking the WRONG WAY down Guadalupe.

1:50am     Made it back to my place and BROKE OPEN the CROWN ROYAL.

2:15am     We were just about to DO IT but I was so DRUNK that I couldn't GET AN ERECTION. I told the chick to TAKE A HIKE and PASSED OUT.


There's probably a bunch more stuff that I did that was fucking awesome but I'm just about to play BEER PONG so fuck it. Hope you fruitcakes learned something. Late.
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