November 2004 (v7 i3)
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Oil — er, children — are our most precious resource
by Dick Cheney, Creepy Son Of A Bitch

Though sticky and crude at times, maybe even seemingly not worth the trouble, oil — sorry, children — are our most precious resource and must be carefully guarded as such.

True, the careful development of our most precious resource can be difficult and tremendously expensive, but oil — uh, children — are such a vital part of our economy and lives that it — I mean they — are well worth the costs.

They fill up our cars, they light up our homes. In fact, I don't think it is unreasonable to say that protection of our oil — oops, children — is enough to justify attacking those who infringe upon our interests. I believe we have a God-given right to defend our most invaluable natural resource: our young, of course.

Although it — they, rather — are highly volatile and can result in terrible fires if mishandled, the benefits really outweigh the costs when it comes to securing the future of our oil. Whoops — children! I was going to say children!

Sure, it — um, they — can wreak havoc on the environment if you're not careful and often make a mess out of your clothes. But despite all the difficulties, there is simply no substitute for the satisfaction one gets when you invest in oil. Did I just say "oil" again? That's so odd, I could have sworn I was about to say "children."

Anyway, no matter how many disputes they cause, how hard they are to take cross-country, or how unpleasant it — argh! — they smell, the well-being of our most precious resource should be our ultimate priority. Thank you for re-electing President Bush and casting your vote for oil.

Dammit! Children. Thank you for casting your vote for children. I'm sorry — my vagina's been acting up lately. Angina! Angina.
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