November 2004 (v7 i3)
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An illustrated guide to
Awkward Hugs
The One Person Refuses to Hug Back Hug

Look out! Limbs are OUT OF CONTROL as one over-enthused hugger embraces an unsuspecting, rag doll victim who is either too shocked or disgusted to hug back. One person will walk away cheerful, the other will walk — or limp — away traumatized for life.

The Ex-Hug

This occurs when you unexpectedly run into a despised ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend who greets you with an awkward half-embrace. You respond with a similar hug because you're too shocked to react with a more rational action such as punching that lying, cheating, manipulative bastard in the neck. You put everything you have into a relationship and then get kicked to the curb without so much as a goodbye! The nerve. The NERVE! He broke my heart, and for what? Well, I won't let him make me a victim! Sauntering around, stinking of cheap booze, cheap cigars and cheap women. Jesus, and that dirty old jacket. He looked like a bum! A bum I loved.

The You Could Fit Another Person Between Us Hug

Not everyone enjoys the awkwardness of human contact, and when one of these people is forced to hug, the result isn't pretty. Arms extended, bodies pulled away, it's a trainwreck of insincere intimacy that's sure to block the sidewalk.

The Hand/Hug Confusion

You seek a warm embrace, but you're met with a handshake. The result: an outstretched hand catches you right in the sternum, and the embarrassment catches you right in the pride.
The Lazy Bastard Hug

There's nothing more awkward or capable of resulting in unwanted sexual contact than a hug between a lazy bastard sitting down and the standing woman forced to lean over and hug him.
The Chest Bump

A hug to the X-TREME, NO HANDS, INSANE AIR, and none of that LOVE crap. It's a high five for your BODY!

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