November 2004 (v7 i3)
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Student's trip to Europe identical to friend's trip
DALLAS — Friends Jason Tremble and Tyler Paige found striking similarities in their recent trips to Europe over dinner at Bennigan's last week. Despite going at different times, the two friends experienced nearly identical itineraries, once-in-a-lifetime experiences, and self-actualizations. While Paige and Tremble featured different pictures on their respective OPhoto albums, both included snapshots from the Sound of Music tour as well as the Eiffel Tower. Tremble, who missed his train in London, was amused when Paige admitted to missing his train in Sevilla. "Who does that happen to? I thought I was the only one, but I get home and find out Tyler here is just as big of an idiot as I am!" said Tremble. Hookers, weed, and dirty clothes were also found to be shared experiences between the two friends.

Dennis Kucinich hopeful he will be elected president
COLOMBUS, OH — Former congressman and presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich released a statement yesterday announcing his firm belief that he will be elected the next president. Although Election Day has already passed and Kucinich earned less than 2% of the votes for the Democratic nominee, the former Mayor of Cleveland refuses to give in. "Look, I tried to explain it to him," explained former campaign manager Scott Jacobsen. "But there's only so many ways you can tell a guy he's lost before you start to feel bad about it. He still thinks he can win, and you can't change his mind." Jacobsen looked around uneasily before adding: "If you talk to Dennis, don't tell him you talked to me. I told him I quit because my mom got sick." Kucinich's campaign stops include IHOPs across 22 states and the Nickelodeon Teen Choice Awards.

Student awkward after professor shares personal information
CAMPUS — An office-hour meeting between sophomore Susan Anderson and her history professor Jason Evansong went "horribly awry" Monday. "We were talking about the effects on family life during the Civil War," explained Anderson, "when Dr. Evansong started telling me about his divorce from his third wife who was only three years older than I am." According to Anderson, this bit of "overshare" was only the beginning. "Suddenly office hours became the creepy life history Jason 'Has-more-women-problems-than-an-abortion-clinic' Evansong," Anderson reported. "He just kept going like it was no big deal, like this was what I wanted him to talk about and not that test I just failed. As if one-on-one time wasn't awkward enough, now every time I look at him in class I'll know that he believes in soulmates and destiny — things you don't need to know about your professor." Anderson paused before adding: "Unless you're trying to sleep with him."

Wilmer Valderrama dating 10-month-old infant
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Wilmer Valderrama, best known for his role as "Fez" on That 70's Show, has been spotted getting hot and heavy with 10-month-old soap actress Beth Femath. The 24-year-old actor is no stranger to "cradle-robbing," with barely-legal past girlfriends like Mandy Moore and Lindsay Lohan. The new couple was recently spotted canoodling over lunch at The Ivy: he ordered the chicken cordon bleu; she had strained peaches. Onlookers described the two as openly affectionate, citing that Valderrama would often reach over to feed Femath and that both were "cooing over each other." Restaurant patrons said Femath could not stop smiling, although waiter Mark Figueroa thought it might have just been gas. When asked about what attracted her to Valderrama, Femath blew a snot bubble.

Catherine Zeta-Jones sues 4-year-old son
BEVERLY HILLS, CA — Litigious actress Catherine Zeta-Jones has filed yet another suit regarding the "unauthorized use of her image." Zeta-Jones alleges her four-year-old son Dylan made a collage at preschool using family photos he took without her permission. Zeta-Jones, unmoved by Dylan's claims that he only cut the pictures from a newspaper because "Mommy was busy smoking and doing T-Mobile commercials," is asking for $4 million in damages and a court injunction that would force Dylan to stop calling his father, 59-year-old actor Michael Douglas, "grandpa." There is no word yet as to whether Zeta-Jones plans to file a separate case regarding the "unflattering" crayon drawings of her by one-year-old daughter Carys.

Traditional African art looks cool next to Pink Floyd poster
WEST CAMPUS — In what many are hailing as the spark for a revolution in modern interior design, sophomore Justin Willis hung a one-of-a-kind Kisumu mask next to a Pink Floyd poster on his living room wall Thursday. The move was spurred by a desire to decorate the room in a "neofauxrealist" manner and to finally hang up some stuff he had picked up at his mom's house. The mask, bought by Justin's grandmother from a Moroccan trader in 1953, is typical of those created by the men of the Wolof tribe for a girl's initiation into womanhood. The poster, a hand-me-down from Justin's freshman RA, displays a line of naked women sitting by a pool with backs painted to resemble various album covers of the rock group Pink Floyd. When the two are combined, a mixture of cultural intensity and global awareness is conveyed. The effect was not lost on Justin's date Friday, who commented on the mask, saying it "must have cost a lot." Willis said, "Most chicks see the mask and think I'm loaded or something. Otherwise, they think I'm really cultured. Either way, it helps."

Adware programmer put off by telemarketing call
HOUSTON — Adware programmer Jason Thompson became "pretty ticked off" Thursday when a telemarketer's phone call caused him to miss part of a television show. "I was right in the middle of Joey when the phone rang. As a rule, I never divert my eyes when Matt LeBlanc is on screen — not in Ed, not in Lost in Space and certainly not in Joey — but I thought it might be the Russian mail-order bride people with a price estimate. Turns out it was some telemarketer trying to sell me something. The nerve!" Thompson, who receives death threats on a daily basis, did not seek financial recompense because his cable is illegally drawn from his neighbor's account.

American electorate decides world isn't pissed enough
UNITED STATES, NORTH AMERICA — The voting public of the United States of America democratically decided that the rest of the living world is not upset enough with the nation, sources reported Wednesday. Voters re-elected the incumbent president, who has promised to further irk and enrage the diverse array of races, religions and cultures that inhabit the remainder of the planet. They hope their president will lead them and put a stop to the lavish kindness and blandishments the US has recently received. "I'm just feeling too much love from the world right now," said David Newman. "I'm still getting all those offers for Swedish porn in my e-mail. You think I don't know who those are from? Have they no sense of morals?" A slight majority of citizens presumably agreed with Newman and re-elected the president that stunted decades of progress in foreign relations and sullied the office of the presidency, offering their faith that the president can inspire some rag-tag hunting of bad dudes.

Weatherman proud of weather
TEXARKANA, TX — Local weatherman Shane Benson of KGJB Channel 27 News seemed proud of the recent cool front that brought pleasant temperatures to the area, sources reported Monday. "During his segment, he was smiling and shaking his head like he'd just accidentally invented Cheez-Its or something," said anchorwoman Sloan Wilson. "I thanked him the same way I always do, but then he started saying, 'Oh, all in a days work, Sloan.'" While responding to Wilson, Benson went on to mention how, "with these irresistibly pleasant conditions ushered in by that low pressure front to the north, we've managed to stave off some of that cloud-cover expected to move in from that development in the gulf. So, Sloan, don't hesitate to take the little ones out and give your plants some extra sun this week. Did I mention the dew point?"

Desperate housewife can't find Luvs
DES MOINES, IA — Local homemaker Karen Vandegaard became extremely upset Tuesday afternoon when she was unable to find her preferred brand of diapers at the store. Vandegaard complained that she was even more distraught than when her local grocer stopped stocking her favorite fabric softener. "I've learned to live without Snuggles, but this is a much bigger issue: I just have to have Luvs." Vandegaard continued to gripe. "There also hasn't been any Joy [dishwashing detergent] in the house for months."

Local woman all T, no A
AUSTIN — HEB patron Margaret Williams was noted by fellow shopper Darrel Jones Friday as "having some major league headlights" but lacking "meat in the seat." Jones consulted with nearby Jason Thomas, who was busy comparing cantaloupes, on the phenomenon. "This guy grabbed my shirt and pointed to a hottie coming toward us in the aisle. I executed my trademark lean as she walked by to check out the rear, but she was all skin and bones. It's a shame, 'cause I would've hit that." Williams proceeded to attract the attention of cashier John Bonnet, who silently acknowledged the irony of her purchase: a 12-pound rump roast.

Teenage cousin personification of news media
EUGENE, OR — Local cable news-watcher Jack Barringer realized that his 14-year-old cousin Allison is the perfect personification for cable and network news coverage, sources reported Thursday. Barringer, attending an anniversary party at his uncle's house, mentioned to brother Milt several of Allison's characteristics that seemed to align with the idiosyncrasies of television news. "No seriously," he explained between bites of his finger-sandwich, "she's totally irrational, and is completely self-absorbed. Have you ever heard her say anything valuable?" Barringer also noted that in addition to being a "daddy's girl," Allison often plays overly-dramatic music and sometimes animates eagles morphing into trotting dachshunds in American flag sweaters.

Boyfriend likes to bake, lacks nuts
SUGARLAND, TX — Kyle Burns was planning to bake his girlfriend a loaf of banana nut bread for their 19-month anniversary, but couldn't find the nuts to follow through. Barnett spent ten minutes frantically searching his pantry before realizing he must have left his nut bag at the checkout station that morning. "Crap! I had planned everything perfectly," the 22-year-old seethed. "I can't believe I forgot to grab my [grocery] sack." Burns's girlfriend Jennifer Plemmons was forgiving but resigned. "Kyle is very well-intentioned," said Plemmons. "But whenever he gets excited about nuts and bananas, he forgets about everything else." Plemmons said that a similar incident took place three weeks ago when Barnett neglected to buy yeast and could not make his cake rise.
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