October 2004 (v7 i2)
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U.S. to tease Iraq with full democracy, Bill of Rights
'Totally unfair,' quibble Iraqi leaders before pouting in the corner
by Bradley Jackson, Staff Writer

Distressed jeans are all the rage this season
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of State Colin Powell announced today that until Iraq learns how to behave itself properly, the United States will place disciplinary limits on its burgeoning democracy.

"The Iraqi government isn't old enough to handle the responsibility of a constitution," Powell explained. "The Cabinet and I had a long talk, and we decided it would be in their best interest to start small with these old Articles of Confederation that we've had lying around since Shay's Rebellion. When they get a little bigger and show us how responsible they are, we'll take them to the bookstore and let them pick out their very own copy of Locke's Second Treatise on Civil Government."

America's plan, a 650-page document entitled "Operation Tough Love," confines Iraq to a strict 10 p.m. curfew, a limited amount of democracy and former press secretary Ari Fleishcer as a constant chaperone.

"Look, we're doing this because we care," explained Powell. "I'm sure that once the Iraqi people realize how lucky they are to have such a concerned parent country guiding their new government rather than a brutal dictator, they'll stop throwing themselves a pity party and just mind their p's and q's."

Although reluctantly obedient, Iraqi officials were "totally ticked off" at the thought of being "potty-trained" into democracy.

"We're sick of hand-me-downs. We want a Constitution and a Bill of Rights and we want them now," screamed Interim Iraqi Prime Minister Allawi. "It's just not fair!"

"Well, sometimes life isn't fair," retorted National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice, who was listening in through the door. "Have you been talking with Iran and Pakistan again? Those countries are nothing but trouble. Why don't you hang out with Israel?"

Powell also stated that there would be severe consequences for Iraqi disobedience or grouchy attitudes.

"If Iraq chooses not to follow the plan, they will be punished. Replacing the Articles of Confederation with Leviathan, taking away their television and Internet privileges and placing an embargo on all sugared cereals are just a few of our methods of discipline," said Powell.

Prime Minister Allawi responded to Powell's statement by retreating to the corner and crying for two hours.

Operation Tough Love has caused just as much controversy on American soil. Several women's rights groups criticized the administration's plan because it prevents Iraqi women from voting for several years.

Powell responded to this criticism: "Iraq is just too democratically immature to have women voting. Eighteen months ago, Saddam was ethnically cleansing the Kurdish nation and starving his own people. I don't think they'll mind if we hold off suffrage for a bit."

Despite foreign and domestic disapproval, Powell is confident that America's plan will get Iraq on the right path to Democratic adulthood.

"It's like learning how to ride a bike,"

stated Powell. "You have to start with your training wheels, and once you get good at that you're ready for the real deal. That's how America learned, and look how we turned out."
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