October 2004 (v7 i2)
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Who in their right mind would vote for Kerry?
by J. Everett Hamilton, Inside the Wasp's Nest

With the election only days away, I thought I'd use this week's column to address an important question: Why is John Kerry running for president? Is there really a need to oppose George W. Bush, or is the liberal media just using smoke and mirrors to trick us into believing everyone doesn't love America?

I'd like to think that I'm pretty politically savvy — I put a "W" sticker on the back windshield of my Tahoe, and I forward witty anti-Democrat e-mails to my fraternity's listserve — but I can't imagine anyone actually supporting John Kerry. Do people understand that he's not a Republican? Doesn't everyone realize that flip-floppers can't lead a superpower? My curiosity drove me to scour the state in search of a Kerry supporter; I had to find just one person who thinks John Kerry is good for America.

I couldn't do it. It wasn't for lack of trying, either. From Westlake in Austin to River Oaks in Houston to Highland Park in Dallas, I searched the state for would-be Bolshevik Americans and came out empty-handed. I talked with normal, everyday people, just like you, me and George W. Bush, and they all told me the same thing: voting for Frankenkerry would be un-American.

One neurosurgeon in Fort Worth told me that he'd move to England if Kerry won the election, and an investment banker in Dallas said he'd rather die than live within Kerry's botox-tightened suburban gulag. The apple pie Americans I talked to were offended by the idea of Uncle Sam taking a cut of their hard-earned paychecks, and apparently they're not alone — I saw more George W. Bush signs in the heartland of America than BMW dealerships.

I support the democratic process as much as the next guy, but I think people are taking this Kerry business a bit too far. It'd be one thing if we had two qualified candidates who were seriously vying for the public's votes, but Kerry's campaign is so ridiculous that it's almost a parody. Repeal the Bush tax cut? Why don't you repeal the Louisiana Purchase while you're at it? Go ahead and ban the combustion engine for good measure, too.

I understand having two parties makes some people more comfortable and allows everyone to "have a voice," but the stand-up comedy act that John Kerry calls a platform is a mockery of our great government.

I realized the other day as I read my copy of The Fountainhead for the sixth time that Kerry's supporters probably grew up in the eight years that tax-and-spend Clinton destroyed the public school system. If they had gone to a private academy, as I did, they would recognize Bush's merits through their mastery of subjects ranging from History, as in the history of Reaganomics, to Economics, such as the benefit of trickle-down taxation. They'd also probably realize that wearing shirts without collars is implicitly proletariat, but that's beside the point.

What my misguided peers don't understand is that their ignorance threatens the very foundation of our society. If Kerry is elected, unbridled civil liberties and international cooperation will wreak havoc on our trust funds. They are right about this election representing an important decision, though: Do I make an addition to my summer home in New Hampshire this year, or do I vote for John Kerry?
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