October 2004 (v7 i2)
Reforming Tort Since 1997
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Your Monthly Horoscope
Officially endorsed by the American Association of False Prognostication.

(Spargelzeit — Adventszeit)
You'll be the life of the party this weekend, but only after a freak accident during the popular party game "Cut the Wire on the Time Bomb" leaves you the sole survivor.

(Caligula — Nero)
You'll volunteer at an inner-city public school, reading the children nursery rhymes and books about how they can grow up to become whatever they want. Then you'll move on to nonfiction.

(Summer of '42 — Summer of '68)
You'll bump into an old friend and conjure up two things inside her: old memories and nausea. And the memories will be of how you always used to make her nauseated.

(Sometime around when you started hating your roommate)
That's odd. Your mouth is moving?talking about your boyfriend or money troubles — but all anybody ever hears are the suicide declarations they so desperately want to hear.

(Mariah: Hot — Mariah: Batshit Looney)
While idly wondering whether ugly people are attracted to other ugly people, you'll lose your train of thought when you notice a unibrowed enchantress limping past you.

( ;o( — :-D)
If your dissertation wasn't enough to convince your peers that you're not a crank, then maybe a hostage situation will do the trick.

(Blonde, spikey Justin — Short-haired JT)
You'll get accepted into the graduate school of your choice — or is it just pretending to accept you as part of a malicious ploy to humiliate you at the Sadie Hawkins dance?

(Dustin Diamond — Lark Voorhies)
You should let people know your deepest-held religious and political beliefs via your car's bumper. Open up to that guy in the SUV behind you and show him your soul! Bathroom walls are good too.

(The last time we smoked, dude)
Family members will criticize you for pushing your daughter Fuchsia into a questionable career choice when you celebrate her third birthday by installing a floor-to-ceiling pole in her bedroom.

(The last time we beat OU — Present)
You're the human equivalent of a faucet drip; you're obnoxious, maddeningly persistent and easily calmed by a good, hard screw from a chain-smoking plumber named Rufus.

(Freshman 15 — Sophomore 70 )
After the hospital and ambulance bills are totaled, you will decide that maybe faking a heart attack wasn't the easiest way out of paying for dinner.

(Austin 3:16)
With all your dreams fulfilled, you will remain unsatisfied, prompting you to increase your aspirations to a little more than video games and beer.
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