October 2004 (v7 i2)
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Ruth Bader Ginsberg trying really hard not to die
Elderly Supreme Court Justice looking both ways, shotgunning Cipro
by Kathryn Edwards, Associate Editor

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After watching the development of the near-even campaigns between Sen. Kerry and President Bush, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg released a statement that she was trying "extra hard not to die in the near future."

Ginsberg, a staunch liberal member of the court, explained that she felt that Bush's flagrant violations of the First, Fourth, Sixth, Seventh and Fourteenth Amendments would prevent him from succeeding in reelection.

"All respect for the office of the presidency aside, I assumed that the obvious and unadulterated decline of freedom and constitutional sovereignty, not to mention the efforts to curb the power of judicial review, spoke for itself," said Ginsberg. "I assumed, albeit incorrectly, that anyone with a pulse who stood in opposition was a shoe-in. These polls, however, made me realize just how wrong my assumptions were."

In response to this frightening realization for the Supreme Court Justice, Ginsberg has started a new Eastern philosophy-based diet and health regimen to assure that she won't die in the near future. Aides to the Justice explained that were she to die while Bush was in office, her replacement would undoubtedly be a conservative that would upset the balance of the court.

"With Ginsberg gone, conservatives would be able to push an agenda through the court with far reaching constitutional ramifications," explained aide Seth Mitchell. "The Justice refuses to let her death allow this country to degenerate into a cold, conservative hell."

The Justice's regimen includes bi-weekly checkups with her doctor, daily yoga, meditation and a strict diet approved by five qualified nutritionists, all trained in Tibet. In addition to a complete boycott of riding in cars or being outside in daylight, Ginsberg also freely admitted a more shocking revelation: The majority of her time outside of the Supreme Court is spent in a hyperbaric sleep chamber.

In what some have called a superstitious move, Ginsberg has also begun to explore Buddhist notions of reincarnation, but vehemently denied a report that claimed she was dabbling in voodoo and that she hired a private detective to ensure no one was following her."

"It's not like I've gone crazy," said Ginsberg. "I just don't want to take any chances. You never know what could happen."

Other justices have reacted differently to the actions of their peer. Only Justice Scalia has commented on the situation, remarking that Ginsberg is "wound up too tight." The possible election of Kerry has not deterred Scalia from his thrice-daily trips to McDonald's and frequent joyrides in his sports car.
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