|
|
|
Electoral College finds popular voters 'absolutely precious' Charade of false empowerment prompts electoral coos and 'awww's by Ryan B. Martinez, Associate Editor
|
 | Rock-paper-scissors: not a fun
game to play alone. |
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Candidates for the U.S. Electoral College, which will elect the president in December, find the upcoming popular election "absolutely precious."
"Oh, they are just adorable," said Massachusetts electoral candidate Ruben Wicks of the more than 100 million voters expected to turn out before and on Nov. 2. "All the polls, the debates, the campaign hoopla — I love it! It reminds me of when I used to pretend to be a policeman as a little kid. I used to get so into it, with my toy gun and my badge, that I really believed I was a cop."
He continued: "It's kinda like how all the voters really believe they're electing the president."
When filling out their ballots, people are not voting for a presidential candidate so much as a set of electors, who in turn vote for the president on behalf of their state. While the 538 electors almost always vote in step with the masses, the set-up of the electoral process — which favors smaller, rural states — makes it possible for a president to be elected without having gotten the popular vote, as was famously the case in the 2000 election.
"I absolutely coo every time I see those cute little voters lining up in their tidy little lines, getting into their endearing little booths, and marching out with those wide grins, as if they just used the potty by themselves for the first time," said Rhonda Perse, a potential elector from Arizona. "You almost don't want to tell them they've got toilet paper stuck to their shoe."
Sylvia Fitzsimmons, an electoral candidate from Utah, shares in Perse's fondness for the American people's quaint voting custom.
"It makes me think of how my daughter's kindergarten class held a vote for U.S. president. It was just darling when she came home with her hand-drawn picture of John Kerry filled in with crayon," Fitzsimmons said. "The next morning, she wondered why her dad and I were still talking about the election at breakfast. She thought her class had already picked the president! The popular vote reminds me exactly of that."
She paused before adding: "Well, if I had to think of one difference, it's that registered voters are adults and have no excuse for being so fucking gullible."
This year, with President Bush and Sen. Kerry running an impossibly close race, the importance of the Electoral College and the affable insignificance of the large-state voter seem more apparent than ever.
"Sometimes when I'm shopping at the grocery store, I take a look at all the blissfully ignorant people around me and think, 'Do they even know the power that I wield?'" said Robert O'Keefe, one of 27 electors representing New Hampshire. "Do they realize that, if I choose to just go wonky and vote against my state pledge, their lives will be impacted for the next four years and there'll be next to nothing they can do about it?"
He continued: "But then I realize that if they knew all that, then they wouldn't be able to carry on the collective masturbation they call this election. I just don't have the heart to take that away from the little guys."
While Electoral College candidates are fondly smiling at the voting public, still others are being won over by the charming naïveté of the candidates themselves.
"When I see those Electoral College members all puffed up and proud, thinking they're going to be the ones to decide the presidency, I can't help but shake my head and laugh," said Supreme Court Justice William Rehnquist. "They're just so unaware that the electoral vote will either come up dead even, leaving it to the House to decide, or that there will be some voting scandal that'll require the intervention of America's highest court."
Rehnquist added: "I wish I could relive the innocent days when such painful knowledge didn't weigh on my mind."
"Every vote counts. It's just that some count more than others," said Justice Clarence Thomas. "And that emphasis on personal responsibility — even if it only applies to a diminishing number of people in this era of political deadlock — is what makes this country great. God bless America: It's just too cute." |
 |
| « Back to the October 2004 issue |
 |
|
|
|
|
|
