October 2004 (v7 i2)
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Dear Abby

I was so proud when my husband was elected to the state legislature, but I'm afraid now that he's having an affair. Last time he went to Austin for the re-districting vote, he skipped town and wouldn't tell me where he was for days. He said it was for work, but our cell phone company charged us for out-of-state calls. Why would a Texas statesman need to be in New Mexico? He says he was with his friends, but I just know he's cheating on me. He's leaving for Austin again soon, and I don't want him to go. What should I do?

DEAR CHEATED: It's perfectly normal to suspect your husband of being unfaithful. After all, boys will be boys, and Democrats will be Democrats. Look at former President Bill Clinton. And John F. Kennedy. And maybe even Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Do as I do and chain him to the bedpost. At the very least, he can't walk out on you then.

I'm six years old, and I'm writing to you about my granny. I love her lots but sometimes she's very mean and scary. Yesterday, I lost a quarter, and she yelled at me about "fisckal responsamabilty". What's that? Why isn't my granny like all the other grannies? When I asked my granny for a winter coat, she yelled that it was "unnecessessary spending" and she said I should just "tough it out." Why is my granny like this?

DEAR TERRIFIED: It sounds like you've got one tough grandma. Don't be scared, she's just trying to teach you important life lessons. Remember, a penny saved is a penny earned. By the way, tell your grandma I still don't know what her last name is, or if it's pronounced "comp-troller" or "con-troller."

Going two skool is hard. Are distrikt is pour and the stat govmen sez we cant git mor money. I wish we had desks and teachars. I want to bee smart won day.

DEAR HARD-UP: No one ever said well-funded public education was for everyone. It sounds like you are just going to have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps because funding isn't going to change, and there is no use flogging a dead horse.

Howdy. I'm a United States Senator, but I feel like no one has even heard of me. Most folks refer to the Texas senators as "Hutchinson and the other fella." How come I always gotta be the other guy? I'm important, dag nabbit! Senator John Cornyn, ring a bell?

DEAR ANNOYED IN AUSTIN: Who is John Cornyn and what does he have to do with anything? But as for you, dear reader, hang in there. Every dog has his day!

I used to think that people liked me for who I am ? a determined man with big plans. I'm beginning to suspect that the only thing anyone likes about me is my name. For example, in grade school, people loved coming before me during roll call. "James Waterson? Will Wynn." Everybody laughed, and it feels like they're still laughing. There's more to me than my name, right? I could be just as successful and popular if my name was "Will Luse," right?

DEAR SELF-DOUBTING: That's one heck of a name you got there! Have you ever thought of running for office? You'd be sure to "Wynn." (And anybody's better than Gus Garcia!)
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