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october dirtybriefs |
John Edwards unable to disassociate himself from running mate
CLEVELAND, OH — During the final month of the presidential campaign, vice presidential candidate John Edwards seemed unable to refer to himself without also dropping John Kerry's name. "John Kerry and I would like the chicken Kiev, please," said Edwards when ordering dinner at a Cleveland restaurant. "He didn't seem to notice Mr. Kerry wasn't with him at first," said waitress Diane Steele. "But then he looked sort of embarrassed, laughed and told me he and John [Kerry] had a long day." Later that evening, other diners overheard Sen. Edwards having a cell phone conversation which ended with his saying, "John Kerry and I love you too, honey."
Colin Powell takes fall for broken White House window
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Colin Powell spent the day last Tuesday taking heat from White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card for a broken window in the Rose Room of the White House. The window was broken several hours before by President Bush and Donald Rumsfeld in a pick-up softball game on the South Lawn, but the Bronx native took the fall for the shattered glass in an effort to lessen the rebuke of the president. "It was a failure on my part to make sure that the game would not endanger the periphery of the White House," Powell said. "I'd just like to add that we're working on finding out what went wrong."
Molly Ivins works anti-Bush commentary into birthday card note
DALLAS — Syndicated political columnist Molly Ivins confused her 9-year-old niece Thursday afternoon, when the girl read a handwritten birthday card message given to her by Ivins that was full of anti-Bush rhetoric. "I wish you a lovely birthday and many more to come," wrote the Texan columnist known for her down-home wit and cutting syllogisms. "Of course, with ol' Dubya playing John Wayne in the Wild Mideast, fanning the flames of extremism while he's at it, the chances of any of us having a future are getting slimmer and slimmer." The incident marks the latest example of Ivins' life-swallowing critique of Bush since the day before, when she railed against the president's tax cuts in front of a drive-thru restaurant worker and proceeded to compare no less than six stratus clouds to Bush's crooked smirk.
Student confuses Jerry Falwell for Spice Girl
CAMPUS — Shonna Simmons disrupted a well-informed Government 312L discussion about the Religious Right Thursday when she decided to contribute. "We were having a rather intelligent discussion about Jerry Falwell and the Religious Right when this girl — who I've seen in class maybe once ? started going off about how Ginger Spice was the best Spice Girl," explained classmate Alex Morris. Rolling his eyes and crossing his arms, he continued: "And now I'm blessed with the knowledge that she — not Scary — was the 'real heart' of the group." Simmons's confusion did not go unnoticed by Professor Collins, who reportedly stared blankly at the uneducated student and almost seemed to cry a little as she continued. "I don't know about that whole Christian thing," Simmons babbled incoherently, "But I think Geri's music speaks for itself. I mean, I guess it really is soulful."
City key stolen, housewives lock their doors
LUFKIN, TX — Two unidentified figures were seen last Wednesday evening breaking into Lufkin City Hall, leaving with only the city key. Mayor Dwayne Short discovered the key missing after arriving at work the following Thursday morning, after which he sounded the city's emergency alarm and called a town meeting. "Jesus this is bad," said Short. "It was supposed to go to Betsy Greenville this year for those delicious apple pies she makes. Dangit, now she'll only get a ribbon." Authorities have since cautioned Lufkin residents to change the locks on their doors and to be conscious of their surroundings. Short has expressed his concern for the city's safety, and plans on heightening security by installing barbed-wire and an electric fence around the 250-acre city as a temporary solution.
Democratic Party event misinterpreted, disrupted
AUSTIN — Several members of UT fraternity Kappa Tau Upsilon incited a riot at a rally held by the Austin Democratic Party this weekend after mistaking the gathering for a social event. "Me and the brosephs saw all these signs for the Democratic Party around town and figured it'd be pretty sweet. We thought there'd be a bunch of cold Natty Light and chicks dressed up like Martha Washington, but it was just a bunch of old dudes talking," said KTU member Brock Turner. Although charges have yet to be filed, members of the Democratic party are still a bit shaken up about the altercation. "I was trying to convey the merits of multilateralism in the democratization of Iraq to a young gentlemen when he headbutted me on the nose and called me a hippie queerbait," stated assistant chairman of the Democratic committe Ryan Quinn. However, members of KTU are still undetered in their attempt to find a "bumping" party. "We're hittin' up this Green party tomorrow night. That should be pretty fun, if you know what I mean," said Turner as he pantomimed a gun with his thumb and forefinger and winked assuredly.
Bin Laden nearing capture due to 'the immutable passage of time'
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Defense Department announced this week that they believe they are drawing closer to capturing Osama bin Laden. "Based on the concept of increasing entropy, all modern physics dictates that time is and must move in a forward fashion, suggesting that the amount of time remaining until bin Laden's capture is steadily decreasing," said a spokesperson for the department. Most physicists agree with this conclusion, though some are skeptical. Massachusetts Institute of Technology Professor Thelonius Wheeler said, "Black holes may, in theory, lead to the existence of wormholes, which in the proper conditions could allow an object to leave a wormhole before it entered. This would effectively allow for travel back in time, and might mean that we are in fact drawing progressively less close to apprehending the elusive bin Laden." Defense Department officials denied the existence of any intelligence suggesting that time may be moving in reverse, sticking firmly to their time-moving-forward stance and insisting that we are, in fact, drawing nearer to capturing Osama bin Laden.
Kerry courts male voters, alters appearance
NANTUCKET, MA — Presidential hopeful John Kerry's approval rating rose a scant four percentage points today as he made his first public appearance since undergoing "a stunning physical transformation" earlier this week. "His body has been a work-in-progress since about May," said an anonymous campaign official of the senator's constantly evolving image. "Can you blame us? Bush is adorable. This race has been like trying to give your kid a pet warthog instead of a puppy." The senator's surgery consisted of a chin augmentation, a rhinoplasty, a lower eyelid lift, an upper lip reduction and lower lip augmentation, a tummy tuck, light erbium resurfacing and eight porcelain da Vinci veneers. Pundits from across the political spectrum are conflicted over the senator's zero-hour decision. Bill O'Reilly, conservative television personality, called the move a "pathetic attempt to kowtow to yet another minority expectation," but conceded that the new contrast between Kerry and wife Theresa Heinz-Kerry was a "welcome introduction of feminine appeal to the campaign."
Democrat actually pro-Kerry
AUSTIN — Local insurance underwriter Clark Phillips revealed his enthusiasm and support for Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry to an audience of shocked co-workers during Thursday's Lunch Extravaganza at Applebee's. "During the primaries I thought I was ABB — you know, 'Anybody But Bush.' But now, after seeing Kerry? Wow! His 20 year Senate voting record is amazing! Oh, and his position on trade with Norway? Riveting!" said an awe-inspired Phillips as he placed a cardboard cutout of Kerry in the entrance to his cubicle. Phillips' co-workers however, did not share his views. "Bush is the worst President in modern American history. How could anyone support him? On the other hand, who is pro-Kerry? I mean, Bush is bad and all, but how great is Kerry? Not that great." said fellow underwriter Amy Klein, as she placed a "Re-defeat Bush" bumper sticker on her 1994 Geo Metro.
Fabricated campaign sob story inspires very real sobbing
OCHEYEDAN, IA — On the reelection campaign trail, U.S. Sen. Tom Daschle, D-S.D., told a made-up personal anecdote that drew very real tears from crowd members at a National Farmers Organization meeting Thursday. Addressing the need for disaster relief for farmers, Daschle told the dramatic, fictional story of a family he claimed to have visited whose crops had been destroyed by drought. "I'll never forget the look on John Tanner's face when he looked out at his barren fields and told me, 'I've lost everything,'" Daschle said in an exacting use of fabricated detail. "Moments like that, well, they tend to stay with you, folks." The bogus story, which was accompanied by equally fake emotion, prompted tears from the genuinely touched audience, who daubed their eyes with tissue while noting that Daschle is indeed a good man who cares for all of them deeply.
Incubus makes political statement
CALABASAS, CA — In a move that is being seen as unique and exciting in the music world, the popular rock group Incubus announced early Monday that they will make a political statement against President George W. Bush some time next week. "I can't believe this," exclaimed music critic Brian Breedlove. "It's one thing for a rock band to make a political statement, but for them to say they don't agree with the president is just plain shocking." Several members of the music industry are hesitant, yet excited. "No one really knows what's going to come of this," said record producer Drew Jackson. "What's next? Musicians using their young and impressionable fan base to support John Kerry?" The majority of record executives believe this is a positive advancement in both the realms of politics and modern music. "Instead of the younger generation actually searching for their own answers in the realm of politics, we can tell them how to think and vote through the often skewed ideology of uneducated pop stars," explained recording executive Adam Wilhite. "It's not like they're already thinking on their own." |
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